Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

is there a "pecking order" for who can use a family name?

16 replies

strugglingwiththepreteenbit · 21/08/2012 09:05

our boy's name has cropped up in dh's family for centuries and we love it. The only current, living example is as bil's middle name, who we are close to and who was our best man, so I'm happy to use it.
I put a list of family girl's names on here a few days ago, looking for inspiration. Is there a "done thing" with family names?
For example if I used the late grandmother's name of a cousin who has not yet had children, would they be entitled to be miffed if they wanted to use it when she was only my great aunt?!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Tartymuffin · 21/08/2012 09:14

I think it would depend entirely on the family in question so the only way to know would be to ask someone in your family. You might find that you are the only ones who actually like a "family" name so there wouldn't be any issue at all.

It also causes issues when you DON'T like and therefore won't use a family name. My DH and my FiL have the same first name - it also goes higher up. It has caused my DH no end of problems with mail etc, plus although they gave him it as his first name he has always been known by his middle name. Which means that he is forever explaining it, and there is always a little confusion. A collective "?" went round during our wedding vows as many people there had NO idea that DH's name was different for example.

It was apparently "expected" of us to call a boy this name. Luckily we had a girl - but I had already made it very clear that unless we really liked a name (we don't like this one) then we wouldn't be using a family name just because it was "expected".

That went down like the proverbial lead balloon - but as I said at the time - they chose their children's names, we will choose ours. And if we do have a boy then there is no way we will be saddling him with this name. My DH doesn't like it, I don't like it - and we won't be naming a child to keep anyone else happy.

GusTheOneEyedPolarBear · 21/08/2012 09:24

Personally,I would have said 1st to become pregnant gets first dibs. No-one owns a name and it's not fair to change your plans based on a pregnancy that might not even happen.

BikeMedalsRunningMedals · 21/08/2012 09:40

I guess it depends on the family. My family has a traditional 'eldest son of eldest son' name. My dad's older brother didn't use it for his eldest son. Apparently there were eyebrows. My dad (younger son) did use it instead for his eldest son. (my brother) More eyebrows. My brother did use it for his eldest son. Phew! Order restored....

2beornot · 21/08/2012 10:03

First pregnant person who likes the name uses it. And tough if it bothers any one else. Plus it could die out completely otherwise ( if the eldest son only had daughters for example).

birdofthenorth · 21/08/2012 10:14

Interesting Q. My godmother died recently and if my current pregnancy goes well and turns out to be a girl I'd quite like to name her after her (or a diminutive ) but she has two children (one one grandchild so far but I'm sure more to come in future) who may well like to use the name and who might be miffed rather than touched if I got in there first, I think.

strugglingwiththepreteenbit · 21/08/2012 10:47

one name, I'd say is definately off limits. A mother who has passed and whose children are still children.

OP posts:
strugglingwiththepreteenbit · 21/08/2012 10:48

just wondering how far that should be taken.

OP posts:
twonker · 21/08/2012 23:33

I think the name of any family member who has died in tragic circumstances would be difficult to use.

LondonInBoots · 27/08/2012 18:45

In my family, ohhh yes, yes there is. But if you don't use it for your first child, you lose dibs. All names are totally usable as MN, regardless of if someone who has dibs uses them as a first or mns before you. If someone uses it first as a mn, you may still use it as a first name.

We can't use James, as it belongs to both my BIL and DB, but once each of them have a son and don't call it James, its up for grabs. Always up for grabs as a MN. All my DB's names and mns belong to them and my name belongs to me, confirmation names belong to the person who used them.

We've not really got any family members who died tragically, but their names belong to their children first, then their siblings (siblings, if they died very young), in order of closest too them - my great aunt used Catherine before my GM could and GM has never really forgiven her, as GM and their sister Catherine were very very close before she died.

If you are particularly close to a cousin or aunt or uncle, their name belongs to you - Peter belongs to my DB as he is very close to the cousin of that name, but we will be using it as a nm. We could not use it as a first name until my DB has his first son. For aunts and uncles, it belongs to their children first, in closeness to parent order, but the closest niece or nephew to them also has dibs, and the name can be used even if one of their children also use it, within reasonable age difference of child, the first to have children gets to make the call. You jump up to 'child' dibs rank if they are your godparent.

I only got my name cos my aunt was worried that her daughter wouldn't be able to spell it, its her mn, so DAunt lost dibs and DM used the name but my cousin still has secondary dibs on it for her DCs, over my DB's claims, after my own. She could still pull rank on me though, and use it if she has children first cos its a deeper pedigree (and she knows I don't want to use it!) as its her DM's name, and we are very close.

DP thinks I'm MENTAL. This is why we are using all new names.

I think a simple adult conversation would solve most issues anyway. There is still a large strain of honoring - I know I'll offend some people cos i'm not going to name my DCs after family members.

wildpoppy · 27/08/2012 19:49

Wow!

PropositionJoe · 27/08/2012 19:54

London - is yours a Jewish family? Only similar family I know are Jewish.

LondonInBoots · 27/08/2012 20:29

Irish. And weird!

DeathMetalMum · 27/08/2012 20:49

I would say, its a first come first served basis really as with any name. If someone else in the family also chooses that name too I wouldn't be upset.

We found out we was expecting dd within a year of df's gran padsing. When discussing names he brought his grans name up as an option and it turned out we had both been thinking of it. (I wouldn't have mentooned it to him however as how close to thr time it was etc) We chose that name and it really suits her as she had certain features that mirror her late great grans.

Df is trying to push me towards choosing a name from my side of the family for our next dc there are none I like however.

ThePieWhoLovedMe · 28/08/2012 15:29

Middle names do not matter - cousins, brother and sister could all have the same middle name for all i care - I see it as a shared name (like a sir name) rather then a first 'individual' name. If my brother or sisters used my daughters middle name for their kids, then I would understand as it is OUR mums name!

Thumbwitch · 28/08/2012 15:32

I tend to think "first come, first served" - unless I knew that a close relative had always wanted to call their child by that name (I mean, since they were children themselves pretty much).

In my Dad's family, there were nearly 3 boys of the same generation with the same first name - but one of them was stillborn, so there were only 2. But yes, we had 2 cousins with the same name. Didn't really matter, they didn't live close together and we rarely saw one, and never saw the other.

chipmonkey · 30/08/2012 00:24

I think first come first served.
Although I was very upset when SIL used "my" girl name.
but that turned out for the best in the end as it's quite popular. I called my own dd a more unusual name and then she died and I think I would have found it hard dealing with lots of children with her name.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread