has anyone else felt sad about baby not having your last name?

[kalidasa]

We are expecting a little boy at the beginning of December. I have pretty much given in and accepted that he will have my partner's last name, but I do feel sad about it, in particular that it'll be only me without the name. (We are not married. We probably will get married at some point but even so I wouldn't change names as I publish under my name and it's important professionally.) We were both open to using both names in some way but they just sound ghastly together (both monosyllabic and to be honest my last name is quite ugly anyway!). DP's last name is objectively more attractive and also has the advantage that it appears to be British (my nationality) even though he is actually French (his nationality), so in a way represents both sides. It also has a strong family history for DP (his father and g'father are quite well known) and is significant to him as a result in a way that isn't really true for me.

But I still feel sad about it! Has anyone else been in a similar boat? Did you give your name as a middle name (seems a bit token but perhaps worth doing)? Or come up with some other solution?

Im looking forward to registering my little one with its dads surname and I'm also looking forward to our wedding when we will all have the same surname in 2014 :-)
I think kids need already have a connection with mum and they need the dads surname as they need to have the bond with their dad and the surname can be part of that process. Besides double barrelled names can be really annoyingly long.
If the dad isnt in the kids life or is a real jerk or both then by all means the kid should have its mother's surname, but that's just my opinion anyway.

Sorry I just want to add that although the token of giving the surname as a middle name seems great, is it really a gift to the child or just something to make you, the mother feel good? This token probably won't be passed on from your child to his or hers when the time comes so is it really that important? Just wondering.

Shimmy, I'm sorry but that's a load of shite. A name does not help a connection at all! DD doesn't have dps surname, she isn't even biologically his yet they have an amazing connection.

As for keeping your name, barrel it, or use yours as a MN, our next babies will be barrelled as I am not changing my name when we marry.

Different situation as you have said she's not his child. Completely different scenario entirely!

I do feel sad about it, in particular that it'll be only me without the name.

I felt like this. Particularly when my vile SIL (same surname as DH) sent a card to 'DH & DS Other Name & Gemma PomPom'. Inside were the words: 'Dear DH & DS, and Gemma'.

I felt horribly excluded.

I gave my DD my maiden name, as a middle name because I have my mums maiden name as my middle name. My sister plans on doing the same with her DC and I will ask my DD to do the same (although I understand it's something she may not want to do)

I have my surname and my partner and DC all share his name. I'm very happy that I have my own name (I also publish using it, but would keep it anyway even if married) - I like that it says I'm independent. I think women changing their names to their husbands' is insidiously sexist and not as harmless as people make out.

But about the kids - in an ideal world they would be double-barrelled or just have two surnames, one after the other, and they could choose which one, or which order, they preferred when older. Actually, we did not use my name for other reasons - it is very unusual and I didn't want them to be able to be searched for using my name (long story). But DP wants them to have his name and I can see why. Everyone knows I am the mum, I go through pregnancy, I give birth, I'm on all the records. Giving them his name is a mark of his connection.

Yes of course he could have a connection with them anyway, and you can have your dad's name even if he's not the biological father, etc etc. But for my DP, it makes him feel included and known as their dad, it's important to him - and I don't mind. They seem fine with it too. They know I have a different name.

Whenever I have to explain it to people I just feel happy that I'm not Mrs Husbandsname. Could you see it as a positive too?

However I think you could just give him your name as another surmane: Baby Middlename Yoursurname DPssurname

He may generally be known as Baby DPssurname but at least his full name would include yours.

This is why I gave the DC's my name (with DP's surname as an unhyphenated third name).

... should have added that this incident made me change my mind about hyphenation and we changed it very easily through Deed Poll. Our DS now has 'Gemma's surname-DH's surname'. Sure, it's a mouthful, but it is important for children to know where they come from, and DS is proud of his roots on my side of the family. I am glad that we did it.

I fail to see how having the same name helps with the bonding process of adult and baby.

'although the token of giving the surname as a middle name seems great, is it really a gift to the child or just something to make you, the mother feel good? This token probably won't be passed on from your child to his or hers when the time comes so is it really that important?'

Wow. The mother's name is as much a part of the child's heritage as the father's surname. (Can't believe that actually needs to be stated) So umm, yes, it really is important! Here's a suggestion shimmy how about if you ever have a daughter you don't bother giving her a surname, just wait till a nice man comes along and agrees to marry her and graciously bestow his name.

I sure hope your own mother gave you both her own and her mothers maiden name so you could pass the whole lot to your daughter then she can quadruple barrel it along with her dads name and have one massive lot of heritage to admire every time she fills out a form!

Because obviously her husbands mum and dad have her husband two or more surnames to cherish too I'm sure.

why have you "pretty much given in and agreed"?

My DH and I have different names, and we didn't double-barrel because my surname is Don, so a double barrel sounds like a mafia name.
we made up a brand new surname for DD, with my surname being the last syllable and the first part of his surname being the first syllable.

It works really well or us, and it means that neither of us has "won" her name (and her surname sounds pretty cool, actually)

The poster was referring to using her maiden name as the child's middle name. I'm a bit confused as to why you think having a link to their mother's surname should be considered a burden.

Honest question. Why do you think that the father's identity should be held in superior regard? Children automatically assuming the father's name isn't a global rule.

I felt sad DDs won't have my maiden name too. But accept that and will remind them of it at every opportunity

I feel sad too OP. I have my mums surname & my dads name as a middle name, but for a variety of reasons the dc got my dp's name. We are married but I have not changed my name. The Dc have my surname as a middle name.

I never once said I hold his Identity in a higher regard to my own, nor do I think that way whatsoever. I couldn't give a shit whether it's a global rule or not! The rest of the world has no bearing on my decision.

My surname is important to me, and so is my heritage. I don't need to give my child my name to prove this and taking my future husband's name will never make me any less of the person I am now. This child is mine no matter whose surname it has and that will never change.

Then maybe you should try to be less dismissive of other people's decisions.

I wish we could start a new tradition where girls took their mother's name and boys took their father's. (In a two-parent situation). Just taking the father's surname smacks of superiority and demeans the mother's heritage. Although, of course, the mother's surname is her own father's name. Maybe all women need to call themselves something new and THEN we start the tradition of girls taking their mother's name etc. Tricky business.

With regard to op's dilemma, if you feel sad then it needs to be talked about more. And as a middle name it is NOT a token.

Why don't you give your child your name and if you get married and you change your name to DPs then he can 'adopt' the baby and then it will have the same name as you both.

This is what my cousin and his now wife did.

I disagree with others above. We gave DS DH's surname (I will never change mine) partly because it was really important to him (in his culture women don't change their names but children always have their father's names) but mostly as a way to recognise that part of his identity that comes from his father's side. I felt that as he will be brought up here and be more english culturally it was important for his name to reflect the other part of his culture. It means he will be accepted and understood in DH's country in a way he wouldn't if he had my name, and as he has ended up taking after me in looks (caucasian) I am very glad we did it.
I'm his mother, it doesn't make me feel disconnected from him to have a different name, it's just a reflection of our different identities and where we came from.

Thanks everyone. Double-barreling is out as it just sounds so awful! (A bit like the mafia Don problem . . . ) I think in my ideal world we would come up with a new name that alludes to both of ours and all three of us would have the new name, but in practice that's out as both DP and I have published extensively with our names and being searchable and so on is important for both of us professionally (academics).

I suppose I have 'pretty much given in' partly because I think DP minds more than me, and partly because as someone else pointed out, it's a clear link between him and the baby which I know he values.

I think we just need to talk about it more and after posting and reading all the responses I feel more positive about including my name as a middle name.

OP I felt the same way and stuck to my guns. We are married but I didn't change my surname. I also felt very very strongly that I wanted DS to have both of our names, so DS who was born in December is Firstname Middlename Mysurname-Hissurname. 5 syllables total.

Although we had much doom and gloom from friends and family, and FIL cutting us off (yes, really!) it has been an absolute godsend on a number of occasions. I was interrogated at passport control at Gatwick in May travelling alone with DS and thanked my lucky stars that I stood my ground on the name thing - they wanted proof that I was his mother and all I could point to was the double-barrelled surname. Have had the same situation at the GP.

So although you may know that a child is yours no matter the surname, others may not take your word for it!

In terms of the future, we don't give a shit what DS chooses to do when he gets married and has kids - he can change it to something completely different if he wants to, or just keep one name and not the other, it's his name now and his choice.

My DC have my last name, not my DP's (their dad). Nobody has problem with this and the idea that his bond with them is weaker because of it is laughable!