Feeling sad about my DC not having my surname

[problempooch]

Has anyone else felt like this? It may seem like a silly thing, but I'm genuinely sad that our DC will not have my surname. I can't imagine them going around with me and me introducing them with another name (I didn't change my name when we got married).

They could have my surname as DP could be persuaded, but the names we have chosen don't go with it (difficult name). We would have go back to the drawing board and choose first names that wouldn't be our first choices - this makes me feel as though we would be short changing DC though. Doh.

Neither me nor DP is keen to put our two surnames together as it just seems a bit too much for us - we're just an ordinary working family. Has anyone done this?

I'm now thinking that we should rethink the first names so that the DC can have my surname. I wonder if anyone has any advice as this is really bothering me.

Why not put them together - that's what I would do. What does being an ordinary family have to do with it ?

My DD has both mine and ex's surnames, which we use for passport, doctors etc, but she is known with just my surname.

Double barrelling is no longer the preserve of the posh, it's a modern choice for any family.

Go with FirstPrefFirstName HisSurname YourSurname

We're just an ordinary family and hyphenated our two names for the kids' surnames. Why not? Shouldn't be the preserve of the rich and posh!

Thanks for your responses. Bananaramma - I suppose it would seem a little over the top for us - we tend to like the understated. Maybe it's time for a rethink.

You could change your surname?

How old are your children? It's one thing changing forenames if they are still babies... something else entirely if they have already stated school. Would their names really sound that bad with your surname?

Or there is, of course, the double-barrelled route as other posters have suggested.

(I changed my surname on marriage precisely because I didn't want to have children with a different surname to me, so I understand where you are coming from.)

Why not go Icelandic and use a matronym?

They can be X Problempoochsdaughter or Problempoochsson

Would love to do this myself

Thanks bradbourne, it's good to know someone else has felt like this. I guess I feel quite sentimental about my surname as it represents my family. I come from a very different background to DP and feel like my heritage would be lost ... or am I being silly?!

You're certainly not being silly. Hang on to your heritage!

I do understand your reluctance to change... I changed my name because I always had a difficult relationship with the family I grew up with and was so pleased to symbolically cut myself free from them. So very different from you.

I have one friend whose husband changed his name to hers (she had a very unusual family name and there were only daughters, so the name could have "died out". Would it really sound that silly to combine your dh's and children's forenames with your surname?

I felt like this too. Trouble is I hated my surname, and didn't like my dad's side of the family much. I compromised and gave DS my surname as one of his middle names.

Double barrel it, then would you and DH consider changing both your names to the double barrelled version so you will all have the same name? If you wanted too, in work situations you could still just use the bit that was originally your name.

that way you aren't giving up a link to your heritage, just adding a link to your DH's.

Totally understand where you're coming from OP.

Double barrelling is an easy solution and really not the preserve of the 'posh' anymore, but not everyone feels it's for them and it isn't practical in all cases.

Our names were far too long to double-barrel so we took half of each surname put them together and created a whole new surname. We love it - a new name for our new family. Done by deed poll years after we married (I didn't change my name on marriage) but before DC1 was registered so we could register her with the new name. Doesn't work with all names though.

If you really don't want to double barrel and can't do what we did then there are still options:

• get DH to change to your name if he has no issues with it
• both change to a different surname e.g. a family name from way back or your Mum's maiden name
• invent a completely new name e.g. something to do with where you met or a favourite holiday destination.

It's a tough decision, good luck.

I would simply change your name and then it isn't a problem. It always seems weird to me that I should have kept my name and made a unit with my nephews rather than my own children. If they had your name your DP would have the same problem. You could get him to change his name to yours instead-or simply put them together.

I feel sad too op. for me it wouldn't be solved by changing my name to do & kids surname because I would have lost my surname & I am v v fond of it & identify with it. I had my mothers surname although my parents were married etc so I don't mind that my immediate family unit doesn't share a name as an used to that... I just think my surname is better

Just a thought.....if double-barrelling really takes off in a few generations aren't our children's children's children etc going to end up with a very long surname indeed....

I kept my own name upon marriage. Dd has my name, ds has dh's name.

It works for us.

Yama, I've considered that. Does anyone say to you they think its weird? I mentioned it to a few people and they gave me a look like that was the oddest thing ever - "but then your dc's will have different surnames from each other?" - yes, but they will have a different surname from me anyway, what's the difference?

I understand where you are coming from, OP. DP and I have no plans to ever marry, and even if we did I would keep my surname. I am generally happy with DD having DP's surname but feel a bit sad that there is no part of my name in hers. I do wish now that I had given her my surname as a middle name, but as she already has two and my surname looks very odd as a middle name, maybe it is for the best?

I think DP would be ok if we had another DD and I pressed the issue of my surname - but amusingly a rather old-fashioned streak came out in (very lovely) DP when he realised that if the next DC was a boy, future DS wouldn't have his surname

Dear lord, OP, give your children your surname and rethink their first names - you're hardly 'shortchanging' them by reconsidering alternative first names to work with it. Or do what we did and give them both your surnames, no hyphens, for the moment, so they're both on everything official, and they can choose to keep using both or drop one when they're older. We've chosen a first name for our baby that goes equally well with both our surnames, so he can drop one as an adult if he prefers.

I entirely understand you wanting them to have your surname - the assumption that children take the father's name is pretty patriarchal.

NellyBluth - no-one has said anything to my face. They may mutter behind my back.

Dd loves having my name. She adores my family and identifies with the name. Ds is still young so I don't know how he will feel about it. He idolises his big sister - I can't imagine having different names changing that.