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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

which surname is fairest?

13 replies

rhibutterfly · 08/03/2012 14:00

long story as shortened as i can.... i have one DD age 6 from previous relationship(father never wanted to be involved from word go, no contact ever)she shares my surname. i'm due to give birth to DD2 in june, me and father just got back together after 4and half month break up we used to live together before but no intention to move in together again in foreseeable future, my dilemma is this...
I want DD2 to share the same suname as DD1 which means my surname, it has only been brought up in light hearted way with dp so far and his reaction was very negative,how do i explain my reasoning and what do i do if he will not agree

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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squoosh · 08/03/2012 14:03

No brainer.

I would definitely give the child your surname. You are only just back together with this guy, you are not married why would the child have his surname.

iseenodust · 08/03/2012 14:04

Bluntly her sister is more likely to be around in her life than her father. If you think you owe him an explanation 'that's our family name'. He and you are not family, you are dating.

edam · 08/03/2012 14:05

Ultimately, he doesn't get to decide - obviously it's best if you can both agree but you have to register the birth so it's in your hands.

Your reasons sound good to me. Why did dp just assume he could have his name when a. you aren't married b. you have a child who has your surname? Think he's assuming too much - if he was that fussed about it, he should have persuaded you to get married...

But anyway, I think all you can do is explain to him that you don't want dds to have different surnames. Could dd2 have both your surnames, maybe one as a middle name?

Stellan · 08/03/2012 14:06

I think you have very good reasons for giving your daughter YOUR surname. Should you relationship last and, for example, you get married and change your name, you can always change your daughters' names at the same time. Or he could even take yours and your girls' name in that scenario. It will be easier for the two of them at school for them if friends don't get the chance to ask, 'Why does your sister have a different name to you?'

Original poster

rhibutterfly · 08/03/2012 14:10

thanks ladies, he did actually ask me to marry him(after we broke up) and it my choice not to live together again, i don't have a problem putting his surname in front of mine, that's my thoughts kids are permanent, men are not.I just know it gonna blow up big time when he doesn't get his way i'm being a chicken and putting off the discussion

OP posts:

bagelmonkey · 09/03/2012 09:25

She should definitely ave your surname. (She could have his surname as a middle name as a compromise)

bagelmonkey · 09/03/2012 09:26

Have

GrooveIsInTheFart · 09/03/2012 09:27

Change it if/when you get married. Very easy to do.

CaptainHetty · 09/03/2012 09:30

I agree with the others, I think you should stick to your guns on this one. Should you decide to get married in future you can always consider changing their names then.

CuffingChunt · 09/03/2012 09:33

Definitely your surname.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/03/2012 16:31

Your name. No question.

There have been cases where women have had to prove the child is theirs, before being able to travel abroad, because they have different names.

Just to reiterate that it doesn't matter whether he agrees to it. As an unmarried mother, you get to decide.

It's incredibly arrogant of him to assume the baby will have his name - so far his contribution has been negligible. He hasn't even been there for a chunk of the pregnancy. I think it would be nicer for your dc to have the same name too.

Happyasapiginshite · 10/03/2012 20:41

Definitely your name. It makes much more sense. For starters, you're not married so why would he think the child would have his name? SOO much easier not to have to explain your family to anyone. And then if you do marry the father, he can change his name to your name!!

And even if you WERE married, by the way, the child could still have your name. My friend's marriage was falling apart while she was pg and she gave her ds her surname as she knew she'd have custody of ds and it would just be easier for him to have the same name as her. When I was pg with ds, I wanted to give him my surname because dh's surname is horrible but I bowed to tradition and gave him dh's name.

AThingInYourLife · 10/03/2012 20:46

"I just know it gonna blow up big time when he doesn't get his way"

Maybe you should rethink the whole "back together" thing.

Why on earth would he presume this baby was going to have his name?

"Change it if/when you get married. Very easy to do."

Bollocks. Why should 3 people change their names?

If they get married and he wants them all to have the same name, he can change his.

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