How to comprromise on names - what did you do?

[Polkadotfanatic]

Morning peeps. Ok so, not really a major problem, but was talking to DP and he has been stuck on the name Elizabeth since he was about 17. His reasoning - timeless, classic, beautiful and he loves the nickname Beth. He has always said to me that it is his favourite name.

Well yes, I agree, timeless, beautiful etc etc, but also (in my opinion, I dont want a slating here) just a bit meh. I am more than happy to use it as the middle name, but wanted a name which has a bit more to it... you may have seen my previous thread where I love and really really want to use like the name Poesie. Names I also like (in no particular order) are:

Poesie
Polly
Penelope
Phoebe
Milla
Lydia
Beatrix
Violet
Alice

Names he likes are:

Elizabeth

yes, just Elizabeth.

Just wondering if any of you had issues with either you or DP only liking one name. It seems that everything I suggest is ''it's not Elizabeth though, is it''.
I know that if I actually HATED the name, then I know he wouldn't push the issue, but I dont hate it, I just thought that when we would finally fall pregnant, we would get to use the perfect name that made us both so happy and proud to call our child.
Although I like the name, I just think we should both LOVE it.

I realise in the grand scheme of things, a name isnt the most important thing, but it still means a lot to me to get it right.

Let me know your experiences on this and how you resolved it. :)

My sons dad wanted Callum but I have so many Callums in my family. Then I heard the name Kailum and we both liked it. So that's what we named him. Also helped then he saw a few Callums that put him off the name

There are lots of nice shortenings of Elizabeth - Eliza, Liza, Betty, Betsy, and the obvious Beth and Liz, do you like any of them? I think Betty or Betsy are very cute as a nn.

Libby is another lovely nn I left off my list as well!

I think the main thing is that I dont like Liz or Lizzy... Beth is just a bit meh to me (really really not trying to offend anyone here) and Eliza just seems like a whole different name. Libby and Betty are lovely actually, I could get on board with that... hmmm :)

When we were 'compromising' i wrote a list of names i liked and he picked the one he liked best. Meant i got my own way but he felt like he had an input.

I think what's unfair is that he has no other names.

You are compromising and meeting in the middle simply by offering a range of names. Presumably you like some more than others, but you haven't picked your favourite and said 'I want Violet - that's it.'

Also, the fact that he's liked Elizabeth since he was so young - that's a bit daft really. Very inflexible 'Oi like wot oi like.' So he hasn't actually thought about names for literally years, he hasn't put in any work alongside you to find the 'right' name for your JOINT baby.

So, I would say no to Elizabeth, the best it's going to be is a middle name. Which will mean that he actually HAS to step up, do some proper thinking and join you on the quest for the right name. Then you can get somewhere.

Finally, you simply can't have Elizabeth because to you it is a bit meh. You CAN'T give your child a name you aren't at least fond of - even if you don't get your first choice. That way the horror of changing the birth certificate lies!!! - you WON'T get used to it. FWIW I don't like Elizabeth at all - it is indeed totally meh and Liz is HORRIBLE.

I agree though that you need to choose a name you both love, you are compromising by offering to use Elizabeth as a middle name, so he needs to try and consider names that you both like.

Just to offer a totally random suggestion, how about Florence? Flossie is a lovely nn and the name Florence seems to fit with your other choices and may be a name you both like?

With DD1 i fixated on her name from about 6 months pregnant (i just knew it was the right name and as soon as i held her i knew i was right) and he gave in for an easy life. He now wishes that he hadnt as he is doesnt really like DD1's name (thinks it is too "hippy"). To make up for that he decided he was going to try to dictate what DD2, due in 10 weeks, is called.

we negotiated for weeks. He wanted Lydia. Only Lydia. I wanted anything but Lydia but i did have a list of lovely names and a few red herrings to negotiate with. It got quite heated. I suggested Darcy, Elodie, Violet, Isobel, Cameron, it was quite a long list. He still only wanted Lydia. Everything else he vetoed. We had the naming equivilent of Mutually Assured Destruction.

My objection to Lydia was not straight forward and i think that made him more obstinate. I have synesthsia which is a cool little thing my brain does where i experience words not just as sounds but with accompanying colours and textures. To me Lydia is the colour of old mankey parnsips and feels spikey. To Captian Logical DH i was being ridiculous and just trying to have my way again.

We reached an impasse so left it for a few weeks. In the end, we had sex and then started negotiations again in the afterglow. DD2 will be called Isobel Lydia. I can live with that and so can he.

Lyn has demonstrated quite effectively that you can compromise up to a point, but you can't have a name you actually don't feel 100% positive about!

Going for a name you think is meh = big mistake.

Thanks girls. You are right of course, I want to absolutely fall in love with DD's name and he is being inflexible.
I shall have serious talk with him tonight. He might just surprise me and be on board to new suggestions and then this thread will have been moot.

I think I will get us to both write down 10 names we like and see where we go from there. . .

I still dont think I am going to get him on board with Poesie though! :)

incidently, how annoyed am I that I spelled compromise like that in the thread title grrrr :)

LynLynNiceButDim, all you had to do was mention how much Lydia sounds like chlamydia, and I guarantee he would be put right off!

i don't have any useful advice for you.

i will say though, if you live in an area with a lot of South Africans (and God knows we are all over the place), poesie = v rude word for vagina in Afrikaans.

i'm sure that's really not relevant in the grand scheme of things, but i would be remiss not to mention it just in case it is :)

Great idea to each write down names you like - and no, he isn't allowed to make them all Elizabeth! If you're not that keen on Elizabeth (I'm not) then you should go back to the drawing board. A name should be something you choose together and it's unfair for one person to insist or be inflexible.

Can you name her Elizabeth and nickname her Poesie? I know it might be a bit of a stretch but I know plenty of people with nicknames that have very little relation to their given names (e.g. a Laura known as Pixie). Maybe you two would like Bethan or Bethany as an alternative to Elizabeth.

Posey/Posy/Poesie might work as a nickname for Josephine too.

Another reason to persuade DH against Elizabeth: it will be VERY popular this year because of the Diamond Jubilee (if you are expecting a baby this year, that is).

We were considering Elizabeth as we both like it, but realised it will be so popular this year, so we've relegated it to middle name status. It would definitely not have been my first choice anyway, a little bit too traditional and staid for me, but DH's tastes veer towards the classic and traditional and Elizabeth was one of the better of his choices.

We both made lists of names and picked favourites off each others. Our current favourite is on my list and DH and I still both, fingers crossed, like it. I only liked one of his other names but vetoed because it's very popular at the moment and we have a common surname. He doesn't like any of my other ones.

Could he be persuaded to consider a variant on Elizabeth - Elspeth, Bethan or Eliza maybe?

lynlynnicebutdim, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the name Lydia and REALLY want to use it if we have a girl, but DH doesn't like it mainly because he is convinced she will get called Lydia Chlamydia!
I think he is mad and this had never even entered my head until he said it, has/did this ever cross your mind? I have never heard anyone utter this in my life!

Agree with Crunch - he needs to put some work in and come up with other suggestions. My partner loved one particular name and kept bringing it up, but though it's a perfectly nice name (though currently very popular in the UK), it will always mean Famous Dead Irish Writer to me, rather than anything to do with the baby I am carrying. So I exercised my right to veto, even though I know he really likes it - I just can't call our baby by a name that feels pre-empted by someone else for me.

The name we are currently calling the baby (due in a fortnight) is one I also came up with (blinding inspiration in the middle of a nasty attack of late morning sickness on the street!) but which my partner genuinely likes. Having said that, he hasn't come up with a list of his own at any point - anything we've discussed has been my suggestion, and I've been the one trawling through books etc - and I wish he had!

I side slightly with your DH here. Obviously it's preferable that you agree on a name. However, if a) he really likes Elizabeth and b) you think it's OK too, there doesn't really seem to be a problem or even necessarily a disagreement.

I take your point that you would prefer a name that you both love, and to that end it would be helpful if he could think up more names that he loves. But it's hardly fair to expect him to force his feelings.

Polkadotfanatic I really feel you should be able to name your child a name you both like a lot.

I do feel your DH should be willing to compromise.

Personally, I really like the name Elisabeth and love the nick name Libby, but I do understand you may not.

I think others have said about choosing a name together. If he likes the name Elizabeth and has for years and you are happy to have it as a middle name, how about having another name first that you both agree to and making your own lists as others have suggested.

Just FYI, as I am sure you know, according to Internet Elizabeth has 152 variant forms. IF you like any of them enough, would you be happy to call her Elizabeth and use one of these names are a nickname?

variant forms: Alixyveth, Babette, Belita, Bell, Bella, Belle, Bess, Bessie, Bessy, Bet, Beta, Beth, Bethie, Betina, Betsey, Betsie, Betsy, Bett, Betta, Bette, Betti, Bettina, Bettine, Betty, Bettye, Bit, Bizzy, Buffy, Eilis, Eilish, Eleisa, Eliesse, Elisa, Elisabet, Elisabeth, Elisabethe, Elisabetta, Elisah, Elise, Elissa, Eliszabeth, Elixyveth, Eliz, Eliza, Elizabet, Elizabeth, Elizabett, Elizabette, Elizabiff, Elizabith, Elize, Elizebeth, Elle, Ellissa, Elliza, Ellsa, Ellse, Ellsee, Ellsey, Ellsi, Ellspet, Ellyse, Ellyssa, Ellyza, Elsa, Elsabeth, Else, Elsee, Elsie, Elspet, Elspeth, Elsy, Elyse, Elyssa, Elyza, Elyzza, Elzabeth, Elzbieta, Esabeau, Helsa, Ilsa, Ilse, Isabel, Isabella, Isabelle, Isobel, Leasa, Leesa, Leeza, Leisa, Leizel, Lib, Libbey, Libbi, Libbie, Libby, Libbye, Liese, Liesel, Lilibet, Lilibeth, Lisa, Lisabeth, Lisbet, Lisbeth, Lisbett, Lisbetta, Lisbette, Lise, Lisette, Lisel, Lisl, Lissa, Lissette, Lissi, Lissie, Lissy, Liz, Liza, Lizabeth, Lizbet, Lizbeth, Lizbett, Lizeth, Lizette, Lizveth, Lizy, Lizz, Lizzi, Lizzie, Lizzy, Lusa, Lysa, Lysbet, Lysbeth, Lysbette, Lyse, Lyssa, Lyssi, Lyssie, Lyza, Lyzbet, Lyzbeth, Lyzbette, Lyzette, Tetty, Veta, Ylisabet, Ylisabette, Ysabel, Ysabella and Yzabelle.

But ultimately unless you also really like the name I would try and compromise together.

Congratulations and please don't let this spoil this great time for you.

My DH had a favourite girl's name that I hate. My compromise was to give it to DD as a middle name, thinking that most people will never know what her middle name is and if she hates it as much as I do she won't have to tell anyone what it is. Elizabeth would work as a middle name with some of your choices.
We chose a first name by each writing a list of our favourite names, one list for a boy and one for a girl as we didn't know what we were having, then we each chose our 6 favourite from our own list. These were combined to make a new list of about 8-10 names, can't remember exactly how many now, as we some names we both liked. We took a few days to consider the new list before each choosing our favourite 4 names to make a new shorter list. The plan was to carry on choosing less names to make shorter lists, but DD was born early and we still had 6 names on our girls' list to choose from.

LynLyn I have synaesthesia too. I found I was only shortlisting names that are either pale blue or dark red. Unlike you, I really like pointy names though!

I'm with the op on Elizabeth. Never seen the appeal and it's just so yellow.

LynLynn and Rhubarbgarden

I have synaesthesia as well. Never met anyone else in RL so 2 others on one thread is quite amazing.

I like matt pale blue rounded names for boys and shiny black or green spiky names for girls...

In response to original post i really wouldn't use a name you don't love!!