Surname dilemma

[AKP79]

Hi

Could really do with others thoughts. We need to register our baby, but still haven't decided what to do with his surname. We're not married and if I'm honest my partner's surname is horrendous (he used to get teased at school about it) so ideally I'd like him to just have my surname, but that will cause a lot of family arguments and I acknowledge that isnt fair.

So, we feel the best compromise would be to include both names within his name and then when he's older he can decide whether to use both or just one. Combining them both will annoy my partners parents, but we're not married and my parents had only girls so I'd love our name to continue and think it's fair this way so I'm happy to deal with any ill feeling that might arise.

My question is which surname should come first? Is there a rule that we need to follow? Or if not would you put your name first or last?

X

Ok, the first thing to think about is why it wouldn't be unfair for the baby to have his last name, but it would be unfair for him to have yours.

That out of the way, our children have hyphenated names. Mine first- partly because it's conventional to do it that way and secondly because it sounds better. But, dp's name is also embarrassing- it only take one change of letter or a mispronunciation to make a rude word. So we have given our children the option of dropping that bit at various stages of their lives. Dd hasn't yet, and probably won't, having survived to 16. Ds is considering doing so when he goes to secondary school in September. I think he has suffered more- partly because I think little boys are more inclined to crudity, and partly because his poor head teacher, much to his shame and mortification, got it wrong in assembly once.

I'd put his as the first surname (so it could be a middle name on some forms) and yours second. You can convert his to a middle name or drop yours as it comes last. Maximum flexibility.

Great idea from FaithHopeAndKevin.

We gave our DCs both names too, for similar reasons, but put DH's first then mine as it sounded better that way round, and we chose not to hyphenate them. We always say to them and everyone else we don't mind if they choose to use one of the names or both.

What do your names sound like together?.......sometimes you can really only have it one way as it doesn't sound right the other. I think a bit differently to faithhopeandkevin, if you are going to drop one of them in the future it seems more logical to drop the first name. If you think they may follow the traditional route (and im not saying thats the right route!) and take your partners name in the future then I would put his name last. At the end of the day I don't think it really matters just do what feels/ sounds right for your family.

If your DP's surname is the embarrassing one then I'd put his first - that way it can easily become a middle name if your child doesn't want to use it as a surname.

Your DP's surname should be the first one (in the middle name place so to speak).

I am raising an eyebrow at the thought that it's 'unfair' for the baby to not have his surname - presumably it wouldn't be unfair for it to not have yours, though? Why's that then - just good old fashioned sexism?

If you both want your surnames in there, which is perfectly reasonable, then go by these maxims to make it as fair as can be:

1. Which is the nicest name which the baby would prefer to have? (Be honest!) - think by this token, you would be doing your DC a favour not to have a real stinker to contend with.

1. Who has other siblings to carry a family name on? Friends had this dilemma, she was an only child and the last in line with a very beautiful unusual surname. With him having two brothers, they decided to carry her surname on. Very democratic. Sounds like you are in the same boat. Put your surname in the traditional surname position!

We weren't married when we had our eldest DD and the registrar pointed out that if we married in the future it would be more of a PITA if we gave our daughter my surname, as we would have to change Birth Certificates etc.

greenshirt but you might not change your name when you marry!

OP we put mine first then DH's (not hyphenated) but the only deciding factor was it sounds better that way round.

ipanicked-true! I never thought of that!

You don't actually have to give him either do you? they are both on the birth certificate and you can use either / both or change.

You could even invent another surname.

One of my friends was teased about her name in school so her son has his father's surname.

DS1 has my mothers maiden name as his middle name as there are no boys on my mothers side to carry the name on, i had the maiden name as my own last name through most of my childhood, luckily it goes really well with his names first and last.

DC2 will also be having the same middle name, i feel like i am passing on a little bit of my family history along with them.
I took DH's name when we married because it just felt right for me.
FIL has been offended that we haven't used his Mothers maiden name as a middle name, but tbh neither me or dh like it, and he gets 2 grandchildren with his last name, i don't see why he thinks his side should monopolise our childrens names

As someone who grew up with an embarrassing last name, for which I was mocked relentlessly at school, please don't lumber your child with your partners. And if his parents moan about it, fuck them, because they're idiots.

I would give your name as a last name if that's the one you predominantly want to be used. Then your partners name could become a kind of middle name which the child doesn't have to use for everyday purposes if he doesn't want to, except on official forms etc.

Maybe think too about if/when you get married - would you both keep your own names, or would either of you change? That might affect the decision.

(On the 'fairness' issue, I thought OP meant that it wouldn't be fair to do something that would cause a lot of family arguments, rather than it's inheretly unfair not to pass her partner's name on because he's a man -may have misunderstood though!)

If his name caused him to be teased then avoid it for your child and use it as a middle name.Maybe if you marry you could use the same combination so you all have the same surname.

Me and my dd have both mine and my husband's surname. My surname first...just because it sounds better. It's not hyphenated so easier to drop one, although many people assume it is (but not on official documents).

If I remember rightly though (I could be wrong) when you fill in the form you have to put them in the right boxes - forenames (ie first and middle name) and surname so if you put your partners as a middle name, it's actually a first name not a surname at all - might not make any difference in daily use but some official things (ie AB Smith) it will.

We hyphenated - mine first - partly cos it sounded better but mainly cos DH got to choose the first name on the basis I could choose the surname... as far as I'm concerned I was generous to put his name in at all (as the deal was it was going to be mine - all girls, unusual name, felt very strongly - but I felt bad). To be honest it confuses people - everyone in hubby's town calls him DH's surname, a couple of places only have his first part (ie my name) and other friends just avoid using it as they can't remember what it was! It doesn't make any real difference though and DS loves reciting his full name!

Our intention was to change our surnames to go with it but to be honest I can't see how we'll ever get around to it what with passports, visas etc! If he wants to drop either, neither of us will object - it's just a name in the end and you'll be surpirsed how quickly your families will get used to whatever you choose.

I like the idea of combining surnames, so Jones + Smith = Jith. Or Smones.

Mr Green marries Ms Black and they become Mr and Ms Breen (or Grack) and the children have the new name.

I wish we'd done this.

We're going to be married before our son arrives, but it's never occurred to me to change my name, so our baby will have both our names. If for some reason it could only have one surname, it would be mine. We haven't finally decided on the order, and both ways sound fine, but it will probably be Baby Husband'sSurname MySurname (no hyphen). We did choose his first name and middle name carefully so they worked with either surname, in case he wants to drop one when he's older.

My ILs are assuming in the absence of any evidence that he will be Baby TheirSurname, so I expect a bit of clucking, but they'll have to get used to it.

In your position, OP, I would put your partner's awkward name before yours in the surname order, to facilitate dropping if that's how it works out.

Yup... it all really depends on the actual names, but sounds like a middle name is the way to go.

We went for a 'lottery' approach. If it was a girl, it would have my surname, a boy would get his. Was not happy about the assumption our child would just automatically get the father's surname. (Plus mine is way nicer than his..!) However, I did (for reasons of diplomacy) have to give her a middle name traditional to their family, ditching my choice.

(Though that was a PITA: was asked to do this hours after giving birth, basically as soon as they knew it was a girl, and did agonise a bit as I really loved the middle name we'd picked and had taken ages picking it... but, oh well.)