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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

baby names - starting arguments with OH

44 replies

smerf2377 · 22/02/2012 14:52

Hey everyone, I need help. I have my heart set on a name for our daughter (due in 8 weeks) that my OH did support back when we thought we were having a boy. Now we know it's a girl he says he doesn't like it.

I want to call her Fern, he thinks it's a frumpy name and wants something 'pretty' like Elle or Elsie. I've spent hours looking through potential names and have found a few I like (I don't want one that ends in 'a' or 'ie/y') but none as much as Fern.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you deal with it and resolve the situation. I can't help feeling like: she get's his last name and I'm going through the agony of labour, surely I should get the final say

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fedupofnamechanging · 22/02/2012 19:57

I was not married to my (now) dh when we had our first baby. I felt very strongly that a baby should be given its mother's name. I'm not saying that this will happen to you, but if you did separate, it would be easier for you if the baby had your name. I have heard of women travelling abroad, who have had to prove that their children were actually theirs, in order to take them because their names are not the same. Once we married, I change both mine and the DS's name - it was very easily done.

The thing is, you don't sound very happy in your post - it is coming across as if your partner is making all the decisions regarding this baby and you are being treated as if you are very much the junior partner. It isn't sounding very 50/50. What is he compromising on?

You need to remember that as the unmarried mother of this baby, all the real say rests with you. Your partner cannot register this baby without you and won't even be on the birth certificate unless you okay it. So the time has come to stop letting him treat you as less than he is, in all this.

I would remind him that so far he has had a lot of his own way and now it's your turn. I don't think that you should give your baby a name that your partner hates, but I would certainly be insisting that she had the initials that are traditional in your family. That would be non negotiable.

snowmaiden · 22/02/2012 20:03

I think Fern is a beautiful name. It always reminds me of reading Charlotte's Web as a child.

Not frumpy at all!

lottiegb · 22/02/2012 20:12

I do think it's funny that your OH rejects Fern as frumpy but likes Elsie - also nice but also a proper Granny name.

thegreylady · 22/02/2012 21:25

I love Fern-is Willow similar or how about Felicity?You have the F but it has the softness of Elsie-or Fleur maybe?

twooter · 22/02/2012 23:42

I find it bizarre to be worried about getting the right initials. Tradition or not, they're hardly important are they? ( unless they are a particularly bad combination)

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 23/02/2012 00:00

"He wants our children to have his surname, I agreed to that a long time ago. He vetoed my wish for her to have the same 2 first initials that the women in my family have always had, I agreed to that. He wanted to know the sex of the baby, I gave in to that to make him happy. I feel like I'm at the end of my conciliatory rope."

Just wow.

I would be too. Foot down time, me thinks.

And not necessarily by insisting on a name your DH doesn't like - but by reminding him that he's had everything his way thus far: minus 9 months of incubation and minus the pushing out of a melon-sized object from a lemon-sized hole.

His turn to compromise big time.

AThingInYourLife · 23/02/2012 00:45

I think it's lovely to have female naming traditions passed down through families when our culture mostly erases women's name history by privileging men's surnames.

Finding names that use certain initials seems a pleasant, flexible kind of constraint.

Certainly if there were such a tradition in my family, I would very much want to carry it on.

seeker · 23/02/2012 05:04

Have the people urging the op to compromise noticed that she has already agreed to th baby having her partner's last name, has given up her family's tradition that girls should have a particular set of initials, and agreed that they should know the sex of the baby when she didn't want to? Doesn't look like she has compromised a lot already?

bilblio · 23/02/2012 05:30

Dh hated my choice for a boys name but had no alternatives himself, we couldn't agree on anything. first time he gave in 5 minutes before birth if I gave birth without the interventions they were talking about... we had a girl. Second time, same name we had a boy and he agreed because labour had been so good. Shame it all went downhill then. I did say we should leave it a few days to keep looking but he said no.

In your situation I'd be insisting on the initials but flexible on the name. I like fern.

Both kids have my surname as a middle name. We weren't married with DD, we were when DS arrived but I've kept my name.... it also means DD with have my name even if she marries. :o

saffronwblue · 23/02/2012 06:15

Don't forget whatever name your DD gets, you will tthen and always absolutely love because it is her name.

lottiegb · 23/02/2012 08:20

The bit I don't understand is him vetoing your choice of initials. Where did he get this veto? Do you have one too? Also, what an odd thing to object to, how could it matter (unless the initials spell something rude with his surname)?

Otherwise, I think compromise / finding a name you can agree on is a good idea because that's how people live happily together. Of course this needs to work both ways.

TinkerMaloo · 23/02/2012 11:55

you have to do the lists! each write down 10/5 and then the other person can veto 6/3 and then you are left with names that you both definitely like :)

How about Faye? I love it but DP cant say it properly so its out for me :( (hes southern, im northern)

seeker · 23/02/2012 11:57

But if you aree going to do lists, then you need to go back to square one. The negotiations have to include the initials and the last name- and the finding out the gender, while it can't be undone, should be a factor too.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 23/02/2012 13:13

Ooh, I think he's pushed his boss-around luck a tad too far.

Tell him he has five minutes to start compromising big time or his surname is off the list.

nickelDorritt · 23/02/2012 13:24

yes, exactly - tell him that as all the situation has changed, everything that has been an issue needs to be re-discussed.

To discuss:
initials
surname
names
(the fact that you had to find out the sex)

MamaLazarou · 23/02/2012 14:59

Elle? as in the French word for 'girl'?

Fern is a lovely name. Tell him he can choose the name of the child he gives birth to.

Seriously, though, you may find that he is more generous when he has seen what you go through in labour. My husband strongly vetoed lots of names while I was pregnant, but after 24hrs of labour, forceps, blood loss, etc, he just said, 'You can call the baby whatever you like!'.

marshmallowpies · 24/02/2012 12:31

I can't bear the thought of a child of mine having a name I actively dislike (as opposed to feeling neutral/indifferent to) - and wouldn't want to force a name he disliked onto DH. Am amazed that so many people are seemingly being forced into accepting names they don't like!

The name DH and I have picked (provisionally) for DD IS a compromise name, it's not what either would have picked as a first choice, but neither of us have any negative connotations with it, it suits the surname and nickname options are acceptable. We both like the name and I think that's better than having a name one of us loves and the other loathes!

I always liked Fern because of the Charlotte's Web connection. More recent Ferns/Fearnes I'm slightly less keen on (do I need to spell it out...) but hopefully the name is classic enough to outlast them.

abbypumpkin · 08/03/2012 13:10

I think it would be a little unfair to try and re-discuss surnames etc if you've already been there and made the decision. However I do think you should mention the sacrifices you've already made and let him know how much you had your heart set on Fern. In terms of the name I think you need to confirm if it's just not his favourite or if he actually doesn't like it. If he really doesn't like it then you will have to give it up as the name should be something that you are both happy with (even if it's not your first choice).
I had the same issue - my OH agreed to a name that I love then suddenly announced he'd gone off it.

I agree you should both make new lists and see if any names correspond.

BluebirdsFly · 08/03/2012 13:38

Elle is 'she' in French, not 'girl', I thought?

I quite like it, actually. Better than Fern, which is such a dull, frumpy name (sorry, OP). But that's not the point....

A baby's name has to be a compromise. There has to be a name out there that you both like. Neither of you should be forced into giving your daughter a name you can't stand. If he dislikes Fern that much, it should be firmly ruled out, as should Elle if you can't stand that.

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