Who's surname?..

[tesoro]

Hi!

My partner and I are expecting our 1st in June :)

We've got a few options for first names - however we're coming a bit unstuck with the surname.. We don't have the same surname, so we are considering if it's a girl it'll have mine, and if its a boy it'll have his - seems fair?

Thinking about this in more detail my partner's a bit concerned that it may be difficult for him if the child doesn't have his surname (passport control, schools stuff and other 'official' things). His thinking stems from the outmoded reality that fathers, unless married to the mothers, can't register the child's birth (alone) without jumping through significant hoops.

Does anyone have any experience of fathers/partners not having the childrens surname? Good & bad experiences welcome!

Many thanks!

My daughter has my surname and it has never caused any problems though I'm sure some people assume DH is her stepfather... However, they have never travelled abroad without me before so not sure if that could cause problems at passport control? I would have thought a copy of the birth certificate would work but not sure.

My DCs both have their fathers' surnames. The decision was taken as at the time, the relationships were expected to eventually end in marriage, with me traditionally taking DP's surname.

Whatever you decide, please don't give the DCs different surnames from one another. It has the potential to cause sibling rivalry as well as general confusion (especially if you and DP sadly don't stay together).

Not my thing but would your surnames work double-barreled?

My husband and I have different surnames and whilst I would have loved DC to have my surname, he was able to come up with the more convincing argument.

In this day and age, a women with a child (even if the child has different surname) is always assumed to be the mother.

A man accompanying a child, if the child has a different surname, people ASSUME he is step-father, kidnapper, mums current fling... etc etc.

My husband didn't want there to be any question that he was the father of the child, and it's just a FACT that there will never be any question of DC's maternity, even if he doesn't have my surname.

So he won the argument :)

"my partner's a bit concerned that it may be difficult for him if the child doesn't have his surname "

Won't it be equally difficult for you if you have a different surname to the child?

tesoro we decided to do exactly what you suggest. Because we have 2 DDs, that's meant my surname. They are now 7 and 4, DP has never had any problems with regard to travel, hospitals, school or anything else.

TBH there are so many families with varying surname patterns I don't think anyone has real expectations or cares particularly any more (unless they are particularly reactionary - I've not met them and don't care about them anyway!!)

And congratulations! How are you doing? My first was a June baby too, nice time (dd1 loves it because she is a strawberry-lover, so her birthday involves lots of strawberries!)

Hi marriednotdead;

Unfortunately our surnames wouldn't double-barrel very successfully, and i'm not really a fan double-barrelling anyhow - far too wordy.

If we were to have subsequent children they would take the surname of the 1st irrespective of their sex, so it's really this first little one who's proving the dilemma!

I meant nice time to have a baby, with all the summer ahead of you!

sticky your experience sounds really encouraging - many thanks! I too agree that these days there are so many different family dynamics that it shouldn't really be an issue, and for those who take issue with it, well, that's their problem hey!

I'm doing well - although am boring DP with my lamentations of "when will I feel the little one?".. I'm just 18weeks so should be soon.

All our children have the same surname as their dad for pretty much the same reason as HeidiHole. Also I really wasn't that bothered over whose surname they had as it's only a surname.

:) I'm sure there'll be a lot of kickboxing going on inside you soon, though maybe a few weeks yet. It is the weirdest (tho of course lovely) feeling! Good luck, hope you continue with a happy healthy pregnancy!

strandedbear ime it's not been a problem. We have lived in 3 different countries since DD1 was born, and there haven't been any issues re DP and the DDs having different names travelling if we've not been together. Not to say your solicitor is wrong, just doesn't tally with my experience (though perhaps we were just lucky!)

My DH has taken our DD (who has my surname) to the doctors hundreds of times and it has never been an issue. The only thing he's not done without me is taking her abroad. Nobody 'official' has ever queried his role as her father and legal guardian and he has never had to present anyone with a copy of her birth certificate. DD is nearly 7 so we've got some experience!

As a suggestion... Whatever surname you don't use, add it as a middle name so that on their birth certificate and passport both surnames appear just in case there are any issues. A friend of mine had issues traveling abroad alone with her children - she was married but kept her name and the children had their father's name.

My nephews all have SiL's surname as a middle name, as she has kept her own name and it's pretty unusual. It's never referred to in double-barrelled format, but if they ever give their full names to anyone it's always with the second surname included.

A couple more unusual situations - I know of a family (parents never married) where the children were given a totally different surname from either parent which was related to the place where they lived - think it was a slightly 60's/hippie ethos which inspired the decision, but the name the children had was a very nice one and it makes for an interesting story...

• I know of 2 couples where the man took his wife's name...in one case they decided it on the toss of a coin, and in the other, the woman was a seriously, um, forceful personality with a very unusual surname so I imagine she pretty much steamrollered her husband into the decision. (that's entirely my assumption, btw, but she was a seriously feisty woman!)