Middle name dilemma

[Taffybird]

DH and I rather surprisingly settled on our imminent arrival's first name very easily, with virtually no squabbling. However, middle names are turning out to be a nightmare. He is absolutely hell-bent on giving her his grandma's name. As much as I liked his grandma and I know how much it means to him, I really hate the name.

The nature of our arguments is to go on for days until I give in out of sheer exhaustion, which has been the case with this. But as a conciliatory gesture he has suggested that I choose her another middle name, and he has promised not to contest it. Now, of course, I can't decide.

The agreed first name, which is (almost) definite, is Lucy.
The grandma's name is Barbara.

The prospective additional names I am considering are Elizabeth or Marianne (spot the Jane Austen fan!)

My concern is that both of these would make her full name rather a mouthful, but I can't think of any shorter names that I like, except possibly Elise, but I'm not sure it works with the other two names.

So I'm looking for opinions on all possible permutations...and maybe even the possibility of gracefully declining the offer of a third name and having just Barbara for a middle name. I will never accept that it doesn't mean "Carry on Camping" to everyone in the world except him, but how often does a person really use their middle name?

I would go for Lucy Barbara Elizabeth because you can sort of swallow up barbara in between those two lovely strong names.

Sorry, Soupdragon. I only meant that in DH's case he didn't even know what his Gran's middle names were until after she died, so I see why he wouldn't want to use one of those. He doesn't associate them with her, only with her funeral. And she never used a shortened or adapted form of Barbara, either. You've found a lovely way to adapt your grandmothers' names for your DD. I wish there was a similar way we could do that!

BaronessBomburst it makes me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one who's had this problem. I was beginning to feel like I must be some kind of spineless doormat for giving in to DH when really I'm just torn between pleasing him and pleasing DD! It's good to know I won't hate myself forever no matter what I do!

There's been some really supportive comments on here and some nice ideas to make the naming less of an ordeal than I thought it would be. Thanks everybody! X

I agree that it is a nice thing for your to compromise on Barbara. It isn't great, but it is for a good purpose.

How about hiding Barbara (or lessening the impact) with a second similar middle name?

Lucy Beatrice Barbara

Lucy Barbara Belle

Lucy Briony Barbara

Hmmm maybe not...

Other than that I think Lucy Marianne Barbara flows pretty well. Really not bad at all - Barbara even sounds quite pretty when showcased with those two!

for you to compromise!

Bless you! Very glad I brought up the problem on here now. Feeling far more positive about the whole thing today!

Hhmmm, I'm wondering if there is something you can do with the name Ella - so that it becomes a bit like Barbarella (Barbara Ella). Or is that horribly naff?

Really feel for you x
Could you add something a bit quirky or even twee to make the Barbara bit more of a talking point than a point of contention? i.e. Lucy Barbara-Ann or Barbara-Bea or similar?
I think you ARE an awesome wife indeed and you have made your position so eloquently I reckon I would never win an argument with you! Your hubby is a lucky man!
For what it's worth, our daughter has two middle names, the second of which was my grandma's name. It's an old fashioned name, but she died a few weeks before she was born and I wanted to 'honour' her. I am sure our daughter will cope with it as she gets older. x

Aw - the quirky suggestions made me smile! I did actually suggest Ella quite early in the brainstorming sessions but DH pointed out that he had a golden retriever called Ellie when he was a boy, which is similar enough that people would think she was named after a dog. Not that I object to using a beloved pet's name (as long as it's nice! I'm not saying I'd consider calling her Rover or Patch!)

And the more I hear about other people who've been in similar situations the better I feel. Thank you satsumaish for your comments.

How do we know Barbara won't be back in fashion by the time she is old enough for it to matter? Did we ever think Edie and Matilda would come back?! Agree middle names are so rarely used anyway and if it means so much to your DH then its quite sweet to give his grandma's name to a little girl. We named DS after mine and DH's grandfathers. Can't recall if you said the Barbara in question is still alive but if she is it will make her die a happy woman one day! Anyway, her generation won't know about B. Windsor and if you just say the name without any cultural connotations it's actually quite a pretty flowing sound. I like Lucy Barbara Elizabeth personally.

So you have to use Barbara, and can have free rein over the other middle name, except that it can't be similar to the name of a pet he had (I'm guessing) about 20 years ago... does he have a list of all the names you can't use in your free rein selection?!?!

You're obviously a lot more accepting of your DH's opinions than I am of mine. In fact, I perhaps ought to hide this thread in case my DH sees it and starts getting ideas

Seriously though, as 33goingon64 says, Barbara might well come back into fashion, and I do think adding something a little quirky as the other middle name will help give your DD's name a more contemporary (fashion forward!) edge. It doesn't have to be Barbarella... although personally I do think that sounds rather cool

I keep making him out to be a right ogre and he really isn't. :o Ella came and went in our deliberations before the Barbara thing was even an issue. It wasn't one that I had my heart set on or anything, we were just throwing names about that we quite liked to get a feel for each other's tastes and opinions and see what kind of names we tended to agree on.

Nothing is out of bounds as far as my choice of middle name is concerned. Playing devil's advocate I suggested a name that I know he hates, to see if he would dare refuse. But he just wrinkled his nose and said nothing. I could have Ella if I wanted. :) Barbara Ella is kind of cool...maybe if I'm feeling all brave and empowered after giving birth I might do it!

Is this your first baby? My friend had a worse argument where they couldn't agree on a first name.

After watching her in labour he conceded that she could call the baby anything she wanted

So she did. Maybe keep that in mind after giving birth

My Mum was called Barbara and my oldest sister has it as her middle name, got a awful lot of crap for it at school because even though my sister is 42 it was still considered a very old fashioned name.

I think you are incredibly kind to let your DH dictate the name.

I really like:

Lucy Claire Barbara or Lucy Barbara Claire

Lucy Faye Barbara

Lucy Barbara Elise

Quite like Lucy Barbara Juliet.

Don't like Lucy Barbara Anne, as it makes me think of that song, Barbara Anne or something! Not keen on Lucy Barbara Victoria or Lucy Barbara Miranda, as it is 'a' ending and then 'a' ending.

Feel your DH is being a bit unfair by saying you must have this name but if you chose the first name and you are choosing another name too it does not seem so bad. I honestly think she will take her cue from you! If you say 'Carry on camping' etc she will think of it that way! If you say Barbara Eden who played Jeannie in I dream of Jeannie, she might think of it more as just fun - no offense meant!

See

or another one!

www.funtrivia.com/playquiz/quiz1607911269fd0.html

I'm totally with you on the Barbara Anne one - she'd soon grow tired of people singing that at her (and every single one of those annoying people would think they are the first to think of it and that they are terribly clever and funny.)

I will definitely be as positive as possible and try to draw attention away from any derogatory references. I hadn't even thought of Barbara Eden...but while she's young enough to be into Barbie I'll keep her focusing on that. And when she's older I'll just explain about who she's named after and why.

And yes - he's being unfair. I could just keep thrashing it out, or flatly refuse, or try again to calmly reason with him but the outcome will be the same. We'll both be miserable at a time when I could really do with lots of positivity and happiness. Instead I shall accept his offer of another name of my choosing...and remind him of all this the next time there is something I really, really want but he's not keen on. Like a cruise...

Oooh I quite like Barbara Eden as the middle names (I believe Eden is becoming a quite popular girls name).

Lucy Barbara Eden

Although I suppose it could make you look like a big I Dream of Jeannie fan... not that I had even heard of Barbara Eden until the post above (I had to google it!) so perhaps the reference isn't that well known!

PS I hope you took my jokey comments before as they were intended, as gentle teasing!! IMO a middle name that is 'in honour' of someone is a really lovely thing and what middle names should be used for. I'm sure it won't be a decision you regret.

I agree with Karmabeliever - I would be inclined to put Barbara as the second name then it is obvious that it is to honour a relative. I think Lucy Eliza Barbara flows really nicely or possibly

Lucy Ellen Barbara
Lucy Amy Barbara
Lucy Anna Barbara

good luck !

My DCs have two middle names each and the second middle name gets ignored on their hospital records and bank accounts, so I suggest putting Barbara in as the second middle name from that point of view.

Agree with karmabeliever - I would have Barbara third. I think Lucy Eliza Barbara flows quite nicely, or what about

Lucy Ellen Barbara
Lucy Amy Barbara
Lucy Emma Barbara
Lucy Anna Barbara

Think 2 shortish names will balance out Barbara so that the whole name doesn't seem too much. Good luck !

Sorry - but I would be going for 'Your Grandmother was lovely and I would love to find a way to honor her through our DD, but her name was horrible and we will not be saddling our daughter with it. She probably didn't even like her name!!'

Blunt - me??

If you really aren't going to stand up for your DD then at least put it third.

That's more or less how I started the second quarrel - almost word for word, in fact! :o

I know when I'm fighting a losing battle. So I'm saving my energy and doing what I can on DD's behalf. I will make her name as nice as I can, explain the reason behind her name if she asks, and support her 100% if she chooses not to use her third name (and it probably will be her third name).

Taffybird, my DH has an ancestral name that sounds okay in my MIL's home language but sounds silly in English and would have caused my child embarrassment (as it caused my DH, who was raised here). Despite everyone in my MIL's family having this middle name, I did not give it to my children because I didn't think they'd thank me later. I did have my husbands support though, although if I'd felt less strongly he would probably have given the name to make his mum happy.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this because I don't think people will laugh at the name Barbara (especially if you hide it with names you love). I suppose I just think it's very wrong for one parent to absolutely insist on giving a child a name that the other parent absolutely hates. You are both equal parents so imo should have equal right of veto. There were names I loved and discounted because dh didn't like them and vice versa. I see why he wants it, but even so, you don't. I think that has to count in the final analysis.

Most people would agree with you. I agree with you. But in our case it turned out to be more complicated than I thought it would be. I think the bulk of the problem comes from the fact that he and I see very differently on the purpose of middle names. He thinks they exist for purposes like this, or so that you can insert a name to prevent the initials spelling out something unfortunate, or to insert a particular saint's name if you're religious...that sort of thing. He has a pretty awful third name himself but it has never bothered him, so he really can't see what the problem is. To him it's only important that we both like the first name and the rest are just for convenience, not for show. Whereas I see middle names as part of a person's identity, and an opportunity to give a child a lovely combination of names that is unique and special and that they can be proud of.

As far as his absolute insistence goes, I could still refuse and he knows that. But given the choice between a name I don't like (shoved to the end after two names that I do like), and a resentful husband who'll never forget that I refused him something that he had his heart set on...I choose the lesser of two evils.

In 15 years together, nothing like this has ever really come up before. I kept hearing about how marriage is not easy and you have to make sacrifices and compomises and so on, and didn't really take it seriously because we generally agreed on everything that was important. Or at least, with gentle persuasion one of us could usually change the other's mind. This is the first time we've ever hit a brick wall where we really can't agree, there is no way to meet in the middle, and I'm seeing what people were talking about. The only way I could think around it was by asking myself "which of us would be more hurt by not getting their way?" and I have to say the answer is probably him.

A lot of my objection came from assuming that DD will hate the name Barbara, hate that she gets laughed at and picked on for it, and hate us for giving it to her. But the most helpful replies here have pointed out that she might not. She might love it. She might hate Lucy. No matter what names we give her, there's no knowing what she will like or dislike, and there's no knowing what names will come and go in fashion.

Explaining to other people why I made the decision to let DH have his way has been quite therapeutic, too! And I think I'm a step nearer to deciding what my uncontested choice of middle name will be...

Fair enough Taffybird. In your position I would probably give in too, given that it matters significantly more to him than it does to you and it could be a lot worse than Barbara. It's true that most of the time we don't use our middle names most of the time.

I doubt very much that your dd will hold it against either of you. My dh doesn't hold his name against his mum (and trust me, it's worse than Barbara) and if she really dislikes it, she can always drop it quietly and just declare the first 2 names, like my dh does.

Wishing you the best of luck with your birth and new baby.

I do not think COM when I hear Barbara I think Barbara Streisand or Cartland

I dont think it is a horrible name at all and I have known two in my life whom were both adorable so for me this is a nice name. My children all have 4 names and it is rare that we need to fill them all in (I have recently had to whilst I was filling in school forms for dd2 but it is not a biggy)

I would have a calm talk with yrou dh though I think it is important both involved parents get to choose the name. No argument just explain to him how much you dislike it and that this is making you feel unhappy.

I had a much loved grandmother and my children have all been named after relatives we loved none of them have her name as I just couldnt do it to a child.. Neither are any named after dh's adored grandmother (whom I also knew and liked a great deal) I do however understand the wish and need to name after someone you love and every time I speak my dd3's full name voicing out my much loved grandfathers name (femine version) it makes me feel 5 again and stand there with my hand in his as we look at the ocean together I feel wonderful and I adore that feeling. I love that someone I loved so dearly in this way lives on in my loved daughter. So I can also understand his desire to name after someone he loved.

didnt help much did i?

On the contrary - you did help. Every comment has helped in some way if only to show me that there are many different views on the subject and I was wrong to assume that the name Barbara would be automatically and universally ridiculed.

If the right moment presents itself I may have one last stab at explaining my feelings before we register the name. But the last thing I want is a horrible atmosphere when I'm this close to giving birth.