Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

HELP DP & I can't agree whose surname for baby

37 replies

Scheherezadea · 18/05/2011 11:54

This keeps leading to big strops between me adn DP. Some outside opinions please??!

I am half iranian, and in Iran it is traditional for women to keep their surname when they get married. Which I like - I would never, ever give up my Iranian surname. From a feminist perspective - I don't see why I should give up my heritage and identity. DP's dad was adopted, his mum & dad are aplit up and he's closest to his mum, but his mum has kept her ex's surname, so really there's no real tie to DP and his name.

We're not married. It'd really, really mean a lot to me for the baby to take my persian name. At first DP was fine with this, but now apparently his dad has decided he wants it to have his surname (which is just a plain english name, a bit like "Thompson"). So now that he's decided that, all of a sudden his family are expecting baby to have his name JUST because he is the man!

I find this very, very offensive - this is the 21st century; what happened to womens rights and equality? Ok we can discuss it, but for the bottom line to be 'it's his because he is the man and authority and master' is horrible. I am an educated, intelligent woman.

Humph. needed that rant too.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bronze · 18/05/2011 11:58

Well even traditionally in Britain children took their Mothers surname. It only seems that they took the Fathers because for a long time it was the norm for parents to be married and the woman would have taken the mans surname. It being her surname it then became the childs surname.
So if you're keeping your surname as is tradition in Iranian culture the baby could then take your surname as is tradition in British culture.
I hope that actually makes sense

bronze · 18/05/2011 12:00

in your position I would give his surname as a middle name and use yours but I know how difficult it can be to convince these pesky men.

Bue · 18/05/2011 12:31

I agree with Bronze.

PaperView · 18/05/2011 12:37

There are lots of ways to compromise.

You could use either name as a middle name or you could double barrel the surname.

MovingAndScared · 18/05/2011 12:39

I didn't change my name when I got married and we used my surname as one of boys middle names - but I wasn't that attached to my surname for the boys - if you are not married its quite common for the child to have the mothers surename I would say

TheOriginalFAB · 18/05/2011 12:41

I don't think your FIL has any say in what you call your baby.

My personal opinion is that it is right for a baby to have his/her father's surname but this is your baby, not mine, and you need to come to a compromise.

RitaMorgan · 18/05/2011 12:47

Baby can have your DP's surname as a middle. My ds has my name as his surname and DPs as the middle one.

Original poster

Scheherezadea · 18/05/2011 12:47

Thanks all. DP is now insisting we have his surname because he doesn't want to upset his family.

I don't mind if we discussed it and came to the decision to have his surname, but I won't allow it to happen on the basis of he is the MAN and the MASTER and I am subordinate female! I just sent him an email explaining all of this basically, because he is difficult to talk to about it so fingers crossed he understands!

Our surnames are quite long and wouldn't double barrel well. The middle name idea is a good one though, and something i hadn't thought of!

I know it sounds like I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but I just find it a bit offensive in 21st Century Britain people are still clinging to outdated mysogynistic views!

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 18/05/2011 12:49

I wasn't keen on double barrelling either, but at least with DPs surname as the middle name DS can choose to double barrell in the future if he wants, or always write his name out in full.

LittleMissFlustered · 18/05/2011 13:30

If you are not married, you can just not take him to register the child. Once you have decided on the surname on the certificate it cannot be easily changed as far as I remember. This is, of course, a rather rude way of doing things, but it is an option.

I think you are right to keep your name and pass it onto your child if it means something to you. Much better than "dad wants it" as a reason for passing on of your partner's. Good luck.

MovingAndScared · 18/05/2011 13:41

LittleMiss - if he doesn't come to register the child as they are not married OP's DP won't have parental responsibiliy which I am guessing wouldn't be good

mousymouse · 18/05/2011 13:59

Moving: not quite right.
if she is going alone to register, she has the sole say about the surname, but she can still put his name on the certificate.

Original poster

Scheherezadea · 18/05/2011 14:03

Thanks all :)

DP replied to my message. He wants the baby to have his name, either as a middle or second so he has a connection to the child - which I understand. I could never leave him out on the birth cert, it would break his heart.

He says we'll discuss it later on! Haha.

Anyway I feel better now :) Middle name is a good idea, for either of us.

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 18/05/2011 14:08

mousey - if you're not married you can't put someone's name down as father unless they attend with you.

CordeliaCatkin · 18/05/2011 14:34

Little Miss - that would be a terrible terrible thing for any woman to do.

OP, finding a solution your DP is happy with is important and the middle name option might well work. Would you be happy if your name was the middle one? Or does it have to be his? You should be willing to compromise as well as wanting him to imo.

My DP would have been gutted not to name DD by his surname and his whole family would have found it odd. He is more traditional than me and his name is interesting and mine is basic so it didn't feel like a big issue. If I had an interesting name I would have gone for some sort of compromise I think.

MovingAndScared · 18/05/2011 14:57

OP - glad you are feeling better -
Just a thought but are there any other child rearing issues that are going to come up about not upsetting DP's family - names are particularly emotive but working/childcare/feeding/weaning all can be too -

pirateparty · 18/05/2011 15:03

I have friends who have given the DC1 Dad's surname and DC2 Mum's surname. Could you come up with a compromise like this (if you are hoping for more than one obviously!) Not sure what they'll do if they have a third!

bronze · 18/05/2011 15:10

Get him to agree then start telling people the name so that he can't be as easily talked out of it by his Father

Beamur · 18/05/2011 15:14

I would have liked DD to have my surname (not married either, but intending to one day) but, as we will probably get married one day and I would take DP's name, plus we have stepkids, we decided to give DD his surname so it would be the same as the siblings and help them feel more like a family.
Feels a bit weird sometimes to have a different surname to her though.

Original poster

Scheherezadea · 18/05/2011 15:52

Thanks all

cordelia - as I mentioned earlier, I don't mind if we discuss it and decide to come to the decision to take his surname. I just DONT want the decision to be influenced by the simple fact that he is the man & therefore he gets priority. Tradition etc means nothing to me, traditionally men were allowed to beat their wives, traditionally men could remarry and women had to remain grieving widows forever - I'm not a raging bra burner, but this has hit a nerve with me!

Trying not to worry about what else might be a problem ;)TBH I think they will be fine with most things, I think they just had their heart set on the baby becoming "one of them" - even though MIL is divorced, and her sister and kids are married with a different name!

DP just wants to be in there somehow. He says it's becuse I'm having an Iranian first name, but TBF he is from Manchester - there's not really any mancunian names for him to choose, and he hasn't given any ideas, just agreed with my choices! My names also aren't very 'foreign' - Jasmine for a girl or Cyrus for a boy! Both names he really likes, especially as we have a 'tie' to jasmine as our house is called Jasmine cottage! So I might tell him to choose a different, English first name if that's really the issue - which I suspect it isn't.

I did think of the baby 1 vs baby 2 idea, but then his family would just want the boy to have his name, and a daughter (if we had one of each) to have mine - which I feel is more of the same mysogynistic nonsense!

Am going to take dog for a walk with him tonight, and try broach it.

OP posts:

itsohsoquiet · 18/05/2011 19:04

Are you sure it isn't just that he wants an English name/his choice of name in there somewhere? Try suggesting he choose the first name if the baby has your surname.

My DP is also Iranian and while I am more than happy for our children to have his surname I will not agree to them having an Iranian first name, even if it is the anglicised version.

There are not even any first names that I really love and I won't necessarily use an English name, but I don't see why he should get his own way on the surname AND first name. It's my child too and I have to have some kind of input.

pilates · 18/05/2011 19:58

I would use your surname as a middle name.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

RitaMorgan · 18/05/2011 20:03

Why should her surname be the middle name?

SilkStalkings · 18/05/2011 22:23

How about a whole new surname for you all? Blend them together, he changes his surname by deedpoll and if you got married you'd all be the same with minimum hassle. My DH & I came up with a really cool blend but he never got off his butt to change it in time. Now he kind of wishes we had.

Original poster

Scheherezadea · 19/05/2011 10:59

itsohsoquiet that's a good point. But he hasn't come up with any first name ideas himself! But yes, we're going to have to compromise somewhere.

silk A good idea, I'll get my thinking hat on :o

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread