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Am I being insensitive?

26 replies

hollypocks · 08/03/2011 19:15

Hello
We are expecting DD1 after 3DS this summer so have never had to choose a female name before!
A very close friend lost her daughter 4 years ago and I know she wanted to have another child but this never happened sadly and is highly unlikely to now. Once, a couple of years ago, we were discussing names for girls and she came out with a name that I have always loved. I would so like to call our new baby this name but am worried that I am going to hurt her enormously if I do this, it might have been her name for her baby if she had got pregnant again. DH thinks I am being ridiculous, am I being hormonal or should I just ask her?
Thanks

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thisisyesterday · 08/03/2011 19:17

normally i would say that no-one owns a name and you should call your baby whatever you like

however, this is a bit different, and i think i definitely would talk to her first and see what she says.

theagedparent · 08/03/2011 19:17

I think you should ask her first. Could be upsetting for her if you use it.

activate · 08/03/2011 19:18

ask her

and accept if she says no

MotherNight · 08/03/2011 19:20

I would definitely ask her.

hollypocks · 08/03/2011 19:22

I will ask her directly, thanks for your advice. I almost feel like it is tainted now if we did use it because it would remind me of the child she hasn't got..

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phonix · 08/03/2011 19:22

Yes, I would ask her, too. However, either way she's going to be in a difficult situtation... as she's probably unlikely to say 'no'.

Jacksmania · 08/03/2011 19:24

I don't see why you'd be insensitive using the name if you love it.

If I had had a daughter or were to have another child (which will not happen) and if it were a daughter I'd have wanted to call her Audrey. Since there will not be another child, it wouldn't occur to me to be upset if my currently pregnant friend called her baby Audrey if it is a girl.

I think if the name you loved were the name of the daughter your friend lost, it would be reasonable to be concerned. However, since this was a hypothetical name for a hypothetical daughter, and she might never have used the name even if she'd had another daughter, I don't see the issue.

everlong · 08/03/2011 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PepsiPopcorn · 08/03/2011 20:03

Usually I would say "no-one owns a name" etc. but in this case the circumstances are so sensitive that I would ask her.

babyapplejack · 08/03/2011 20:11

I wouldn't use it. 30 years ago, my aunty had a stillborn baby with a lovely name (me and DH both love it) but we would never have considered using it, for this reason.

CPtart · 08/03/2011 20:46

Why not suggest to her you use it as a middle name?

Eglu · 08/03/2011 20:48

As it wasn't the name of her actual child, just a name she liked, then I don't really see the issue. Although I would probably still talk to her.

Violethill · 08/03/2011 21:26

What did you say, when you were having that discussion, and the name came up? Because I'm assuming, since you've always loved the name, that you probably responded very positively. In fact, it would have been very strange, during a discussion about names, if you hadn't said "oh yes, I've always loved that name too" or words to that effect.

You see, realistically, she knows you are having a daughter, and she knows you're going to give her a name you love, so don't you think this will already have crossed her mind?

I also agree with Eglu's point, that it's not as though you're using the name of her actual child - you're using a name which she might theoretically have called another child if she'd had another girl.

As you've clearly talked about names before, why not start a discussion and mention this as one of your possible names? At least then, you can gauge her response. TBH though, I don't think the name is the significant thing. It may well be painful for her to watch a close friend have a daughter, after she lost her own, but I don't think the name will be a highly important thing - it's the loss of her daughter which is far bigger, and sadly, there is nothing that you can do which changes that

Onion1968 · 08/03/2011 21:53

ask her. She might actually feel positive about it, see it as a sort of honour.

HopingForAZoo · 08/03/2011 22:12

I think it depends on the name also. If it is something classic like Elizabeth it shouldn't make a difference. But is it is a name that nobody else around has then it might be sensitive. I have the same sort of situation and we are going to choose a name that is very similar but not the exact same one.

EmmaBGoode · 09/03/2011 09:29

No, I don't think you should use this name. It would be a constant reminder to her of the daughter she never had. Don't ask her, because you will put her in a position.

There are plenty of other names in the world.

fifi25 · 09/03/2011 10:48

No, i wouldnt use it Smile

limpingbint · 09/03/2011 11:01

No i wouldn't use it and I wouldn't ask her because she will probably say it's fine when it really isn't. There are so many names to choose from it is not worth creating a little sad reminder for her.

Underachieving · 09/03/2011 12:55

Definately ask her what she thinks because she could see it either way. She might cherish having a little Sophie to dote on (or whatever the name was) or she might feel that name is too poignant for her yet. You would only see it as the name of the child your friend never had for a short while, after that it would be the name of your beloved daughter.

Twit · 09/03/2011 12:59

Ask and if she isn't ok, perhaps use it as a middle name.

highlystrung · 09/03/2011 13:07

Don't use it. Even if she say's she doesn't mind, she probably will really, and to see your DD with the name she wanted for her own daughter that never was will be a constant reminder of her pain.

TheMadHouse1234 · 09/03/2011 13:23

Personally, I wouldn't use the name or even ask her if she minds if you can use the name as she might feel like she has to say yes

hollypocks · 10/03/2011 16:10

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and wonderful advice. DH is adamant that we go for this name and so I spoke to her candidly and she was great. She said that it had just been one of many on her list and not her 'definite' baby name. She also said that she was so happy that there would be a little girl in her life again even if was not her own. I think she is being honest, she has admitted before how envious she was when I was pregnant so she is not just saying that to be nice. Thanks again.

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Twit · 10/03/2011 17:06

Ah that's great, well done it must have been a bit nerve-wracking though.
Smile
What is the name BTW?

hollypocks · 10/03/2011 20:48

Thanks, don't really want to say because it is quite unusual and someone in RL might spot who I am :) But thanks for all your support and advice

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