Can you offer your thoughts on a 'family name' difficulty please?

[Helzapoppin]

We are expecting a second child in August :), already having a 2 year old DD with (what I think are) unusual, beautiful names from both sides of our family.

DH comes from a very old, established and traditional family. When we announced the impending arrival to him last week, FIL said that he really hoped we would honour the family tradition of (if a boy) naming him George, as this is traditionally the name given to the eldest son in a generation. I'm not crazy about the name to be honest, but that's not really the issue. We have two prolems:

DH, who is the eldest, does not have the name George. This is because George was the name given to my PIL first son who died shortly after birth. Therefore, if we chose the family name, we would be giving the baby the same name (and surname of course). I think that this could be very uncomfortable for MIL and as she never talks about her first child, I feel that I can't really raise it with her.

Secondly, DH was given his grandfather's name. It is a really, really unusual but lovely name and we would like to use it as a middle name, which rules out using George as the middle name (can't really go for both as a middle name as PIL's first baby had both names). We also have a first name that we like, which is nothing to do with either family.

I know that there's not really a solution, but if anyone can offer any thoughts, that would be really helpful. Although all of this 'tradition' stuff sounds a bit daft, it seems to mean a great deal to DH's family and I want to respect that, while doing the right thing for everyone, including DC2.

Thanks

why not give him your dh's name as a first name?

i know it's very out of fashion these days to give your child your own name, but it used to be the done thing, and if you like the name then you could use George as a middle name

however, it's your DH you need to talk to I think.
don't name your baby something you don't like just because it's tradition though. they may be upset, but it's your baby and you get to choose!

I wouldactuallyaskthe MIL about thte name wrt the first son who died. She may be honoured that you have considered this angle to it.

Could you name him 'george othername' but use the othername. Or go with the two names as middle names but reversethe order.

Basically i would try and respect others wishes if possible, but would still go with the grandfathers name that you prefer if there isnt a solution you are totally happy with. I wouldnt namemy baby a name i didnt love or was a second choice.

At least the other name is still a name from their family.

Yeah, I agree with thehairybabysmum - George Blah Helzapoppin, known as Blah. Or George Blah Doofur Helzapoppin, then you can have your chosen first name, the traditional name and your dh's name.

Also agree to ask mil what she thinks.

How about using DH's name as first name, name you like as second name and George as third name?

I would not use the name of the dead baby, it wouldn't be my choice. I wouldn't christen a baby say William George and then call him George, I know people whose parents have done this and it causes no end of problems.
Personally I would choose a name that both you and your dh like. It is not your fil's choice but yours, he has had his choice. Other than that use George as a middle or third name. Good luck.

Your dh needs to talk to his mum about how she feels, it's his family tradition after all not yours. As her son was also named George because of the tradition, and so was not her own choice of name, this may bother her less than you think.

You can then decide whether you want to keep the tradition going. Using it as a middle name/not the name the child is known by may seem like an acceptable compromise by you but I suspect fil would still be disappointed. What does your dh want?

Ps We are naming our lo after dh's late mother, (if baby is a girl) dh checked with his dad that it would not upset him as lo will have same first name and surname as his late wife.

Yeah if it's that important to follow tradition (their tradition)

Make it George Rufus Popplewaite or whatever.

On credit card etc G. Rufus Popplewaite.

Lots of people go by their mn. My dad for one. Never caused him any trouble. People grasp it.

Choose your own first name - and start your own tradition - then use both family names as middle names.

And for what it is worth, I think MIL might love, for once, to have someone mention her late baby to her and ask her opinion of the name, and whether it is appropriate to use it. I feel so sorry for the generation who were never expected to mention babies they lost.

Not sure what you mean by saying that he comes from an old, established family . . . surely all families are old and established?! I'm guessing you mean posh?

I don't have any specific advice about which name to go for but just wanted to say that you need to do what you both feel comfortable with. Traditions are nice but shouldn't be forced upon you.

You don't really say what your dh thinks about all this? Surely his opinion counts for more than his parents.

My dh was named the same name as his older brother who died before he was born. (He is from a different country where this was less unusual). Big mistake.

It meant dh has gone through life always feeling like a replacement to his mum. It has meant his mum hasn't been able to discuss the lost brother without name confusion (when Bill was born.. which Bill? etc) and he started life carrying the sad legacy on his shoulders just by his name being said. He feels like it isn't really his name - he should have been called something new.

I know not the same but just food for thought.

Also wanted to add that I always think that children should have their own names and not be named after family members. They are their own little people and I think naming them after someone else takes away a bit of their individuality and they just become a john of a number of johns within that family. Also if you are naming them the same as a family member I think they would feel as though they had to be like that person and that there would be expectation for them to be like that person.

I think Slambangs experience is something to take note of.

Middle names is a completely different thing though.

I agree with muminthemiddle - some of the best advice I got from MN is that our parents have had their opportunity to choose baby names and we get to choose for our own DC. I did listen to family advice (and some of the advice was rational enough to follow) but it is your decision. I also agree that one of you should approach your MIL if you do want to use George. If you don't feel you can approach her on it, then I would say that you shouldn't use it as I don't think you would feel comfortable introducing little George to her. TBH I bet you will have another DD after putting in this much thought .

Don't be bullied! Thats my advice.

Go with what you really want.

We want to use my grandmothers name because i adored her and because we both love the end. Easy! My MIL wants me to use a family name from their side and instead of putting it in the middle we said we will save it and see if we have another daughter.

Could your DH speak to his father about it? (and raise the issue about wanting to be sensitive IRO their first child)? If your FIL raised this with you then it sounds like it is a tradition they would like to adhere to, and that he wouldn't see it as an issue (whether your MIL would feel the same is another question, but maybe something that your DH could discuss with his dad).

In general I think you should go with the first name that you like and start a new tradition! And have the family name/s as middle names if it feels right to you.

Unless you both adore the name George & the past associations sit easily with you, then it should be mn territory only. Choose a first name you & dh both love.

Don't feel pushed into choosing names you don't want - it is a decision for you and dh to make. Once you have made a decision between you, then you can approach PIL with your choice. You might find your MIL would welcome the opportunity to talk about her son, I know my MIL did ( one of her sons died as a baby , but it's never really mentioned in the family).

If it were me, I would go for Nameyoulike DHname George in your position.

Why not suggest that you are leaving the name "at rest" out of respect. That way you dont have to use it and it shows that you are bieng considerate and conscious of family history from all angles.

Actually I think that the fact you are not crazy about the name is enough of a reason to totally ignore your FIL (in the nicest of ways). Use the names you like. You are already honoring your dh's family by using his name and you have no obligation to follow rules on something as important as names. Personally I would not use a name from just one generation back - my dd is named after two great grandmothers, and that works well, there is no confusion, she loves the connection without feeling that her names don't totally belong to her.

I would go with your chosen name & husbands name as middle name.

My son has the same middle name as husband & FIL-but wouldn´t have done if I we didn´t like it.

It might be their family tradition, but you don´t have to keep to it.

Also, what will the baby's last name be ? If you took your husband's name when you married, and the baby will have this surname, then surely you are already using your husband's family name.

I think you need to judge how important it is for your PIL. We made my FIL so very happy with the name we chose for our ds - it gave him closure on a family issue that had troubled him for nearly 40 years. I liked the mname, but unless I had actively hated it, I still would have used it because it meant to much to fil.

And I do think it's bonkers to say that giving a child the same name as someone else diminishes theie individuality - it would take more than that, believe me!

I'd go with 'your chosen name' 'George' 'DH name' 'surname'
then all bases are covered and you stil get to name your DS your first choice as first name

This is a bit of a splinters on my arse situation for me!

Your child - your choice

&

Family traditions are important and can be a lovely link to your heritage.

We have a family name that has gone through several generations (being used as a middle name is fine) and my Dad was incredibly hurt when my stupid brother didn't stand up to his wife and insist it was used as a middle name (it's a perfectly ordinary name, still in common use). My brother likes the name, was happy to have it as his middle name all his life - his connection to our family heritage, but his wife wants no connection to our family - it's like the kids only belong to her side of the family :(

If my brother had hated it, didn't want to continue the tradition, fair enough, but allow himself to be over-ruled by her was just crap.

However, I think using it as a first name if you don't love it, is a step too far.

You need to talk to your MIL if you are considering using it, she will be the one most affected and if you don't feel you can discuss it with her, then really, you shouldn't use it.

We have a similar problem except I love a name and want to use it but it belonged to DHs dead brother, who is never EVER referred to by name. Using the name of a child who died needs sensitive handling.

If you like the name George enough and want to use it then talk to your MIL about her feelings. Say you know it's a family tradition but you don't feel comfortable with it.

If you don't then use it as a third middle name and say you're not comfortable using it as a first but you respect the tradition.