AIBU about name choice

[Nametroubles]

Am 32 weeks pg with DC2 (gender unknown) and have been finding it even more difficult than last time to find any names that DP and I both like.
One boy's name we like is that of a very dear friend who passed away 5 years ago.
DP (unknown to me) mentioned it to this friend's partner (who is also a long standing friend) last week and I received a text message today from her stating that she is very upset about the idea, she still can't bear to hear the name mentioned (it is fairly unusual but not uniquely so) and feels the name belongs to her for any future children she may have.

I have always been strongly of the opinion that baby name choice discussions are strictly between DP and I (although he says I hadn't made that explicitly clear) and also that no-one can take ownership of a name.

DP now feels that we can't use the name as it would be making a name choice we know would upset a friend, so ultimately I suppose the decision is made.

My intention was if we have a boy, to have chosen the name and made sure that our friend was the 1st know.
Unfortunately I didn't have that conversation with DP before he mentioned, when questioned, the name we were considering.

Sorry for the ramble and perhaps this should be in AIBU but it is about baby naming and I'd rather hear the opinions of like minded (similarly hormonal) baby name choosers.

Was I being insensitive to consider using the name in the 1st place and have we scuppered it completely now?

I rather think you have inadvertently scuppered it - I'd be secretly a bit cross with DP for mentioning it - but that'd be selfish of me. I don't think you can use it now, really. Shame. If you had presented it as a fait accompli after the baby was here that'd have been different.

I think that it is good that your friend was able to be honest with you and tell you that she was upset by your considering the name of her partner. And that you were slightly insensitive to think that you could present it as a fait accompli.

No, I don't think you were being insensitive to consider the name.
But I think your DH did the right thing.

Thanks CheesyPineapple (a fabulous combination may I say), my thoughts entirely, although you are clearly more diplomatic than me because I have let DP know that I am 'a bit cross' with him for mentioning it, even though I think he is more pissed off about not being able to use the name than I am

I doubt she would have tested you had she not felt strongly about it. She doesn't "own" the name, obviously, but she has good reason to feel strongly about it and it sounds as if she is someone who matters to you

You mentioned in your post that it was one name; presumably you are considering others. I would therefore urge compassion in this case and focus on your other choices.

I don't think you were being unreasonable to choose to honour a dear friend, nor do I think she is being unreasonable for wanting to maintain possession of it. It's up to you whose wishes you put first. She does not own that name, but you may risk her friendship if you name your child after her lost partner.

I really have nothing to suggest; I hope you work out what's best for you.

Sorry too slow and x posts, thanks all for your opinions.
It's actually reassuring to see views from both camps.

Will be back to scouring the Baby Name board for a boy's name we can agree on.

Have never felt a preference for anything but a healthy baby of either gender before, am now feeling it would be so much easier to have a girl (although we haven't agreed on a girl's name yet either!)

I do think you may have been a bit insensitive to use the name without checking with her first. My ds is named after his much loved grandfather, who died young and unexpectedly when ds was 18 months old. I know that fil's widow and brothers and sisters still find it very bitter-sweet to use the name - and mil found it incredibly difficult for the first year or so.

This doesn't add up to me. If it upsets her so much to hear it, she won't want to use it herself.

And is it just me that thinks naming a child after a deceased partner is a slightly odd thing to do? What about the child's father's opinion?

Indeed Badger, you've hit the nail on the head regarding all the feelings we felt when I got the text.

Badger
I am assuming that if she ever does have a child that she probably will not use the name, but then I know a woman who planned on celebrating her 25th wedding anniversary to her first husband who had died 23 years previously. And when I say celebrating I don't mean having a glass of wine with his family and toasting to his memory. She wanted to have a big celebration.

I think that if you had chosen to use the name without discussing (not mentioning it but really talking to her about it as a possibility) it with the bereaved partner that would have been incredibly insensitive as she is also your friend, and therefore presumably in your social circle and will know that your child is named after her partner and hear it many times. I don't think that she "owns" the name, but that five years is a very short time and her grief may be very raw still (saying that for some people the grief is raw for a lifetime). Presenting name as fait accompli in normal circumstances is totally fine, and I think the right way to approach baby naming (and generally I agree with you on ownership), but really not in this circumstance, especially if the name is unusual enough to normally only refer to your dead friend.

I don't think you were insensitive to consider it though (although perhaps so if it was just a name you liked the sound of rather than to honour the memory of your friend), and she might have thought it was lovely. Obviously given her reaction you can't use it unless you want to upset and quite probably lose a friend rather than pick another name. Oh, and your dh's reaction, if he is truly just pissed off rather than appreciative of your friend's feelings is a bit sad. I hope your friend doesn't know that's how he feels.

I don't think it really matters how your friend wants to use the name, grief can make people react in funny ways, and I think should be respected. (If it's not grief that has made her react in this way then that's different, but it seems a reasonable assumption in this case). Perhaps she feels that it's for her to honour her partner so it should be her children who use his name? Even if she hadn't previously had any intention of doing so - I imagine it might have been quite a shock to hear your possible plans.

I'm with Badger, too. She (possibly) wants to use the name of her deceased partner for a child she'll have with another partner. I do think that's a bit peculiar, tbh.

I also had the same thought as Badger, but since it's obviously a sore spot it's best avoided if there is another name you'd be happy to use. You could always use it for the middle name - your friend need never know.

Yes - I think it possibly is best avoided or given as a middle name. After all, OP, he was your dear friend too, why wouldn't you want to remember him in some way?

Another vote for considering another name, if possible. Names have strong associations and I can see why your friend would find it upsetting if you used her deceased partner's name. I would definately have asked her beforehand and I think your dh did the correct thing by mentioning it to her.

Consider another name - not worth it, as your friend is clearly still grieving somehow and unable to separate the name from the person at all.

I'm sure she wouldn't have refused for selfish reasons - sounds like grief.

I also think name discussions should be between DP and I - he did need telling though.

I think you better not use name. You will fall out with her over it. Find another name.

It wasn't unreasonable for you to consider the name, but I think DH did the right thing by running it by her, and she did the right thing by telling you how she feels.

If you had gone ahead without discussing it with her, you would have been VERY unreasonable. No, she doesn't own the name but she is grieving and as her friend it is your job to respect that.

You are being unreasonable to complain about it. Can you not understand how she feels? Is giving your child that particular name more important than your grieving friend? Try and put yourself in her shoes.

You are also being very unreasonable by suggesting that there's something wrong with her wanting to reserve that name in case she wants to use it for one of her children in the future. How dare you belittle her feelings like that? Why is it up to you to decide what is an appropriate way for her to remember her dead partner?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you're letting the pregnancy hormones get in the way of decency towards your friend.

loopyloops - I'm not sure OP did suggest that there was something wrong with her friend wanting to reserve the name for a future child - I think that was other posters, myself included.

Badgersadrift Mon 20-Sep-10 23:32:24

This doesn't add up to me. If it upsets her so much to hear it, she won't want to use it herself.

And is it just me that thinks naming a child after a deceased partner is a slightly odd thing to do? What about the child's father's opinion?

Nametroubles Mon 20-Sep-10 23:37:00

Indeed Badger, you've hit the nail on the head regarding all the feelings we felt when I got the text.

My sister is married to a man who lost his first wife, and he visibly flinches every time his first wife's name is mentioned. And it's a common name, but that's grief for you.

But, loopyloops she didn't offer that initially, she responded to something someone else posted.

I think there's a difference.