Dealing with well meaning, but increasingly annoying, advice!

[Temm]

I have an auto immune inflammatory condition that causes chronic pain and fatigue. To look at me, I am fine because of course these issues are not visible. But when I have flare ups life can be pretty miserable, and currently I am really struggling with the fatigue side of the condition. I have a couple of friends who are forever giving me advice - I should try an anti-inflammatory diet, give turmeric a go, what about alfalfa juice etc. One friend was horrified when I told her the strength of the anti-inflammatory meds I am on and basically said I was ridiculous to be putting that in my body when I could just be tweaking my diet. I know they mean well, but it is really starting to piss me off. Any ideas as to how I can shut these kind of comments down without being as rude as I feel like being?!

If I don't want people to talk about medical things with me I don't tell then about it so other than stop telling them not sure what else you can do

"thank you for your unsolicited concerns about my diet, I've seen the dietician and my diet is just fine"
or
"thank you for your unsolicited concerns about my diet, I like eating shit, butt out"

Sorry, that was a bit tongue in cheek. Everyone has one nutty food advice friend, you might just be unlucky enough to have two. Basically you need a "Ta but no" line that you repeat as necessary.

I think you just have to say that you prefer to go with your doctor’s advice. I agree it’s infuriating, although kindly meant. SLE here so I’ve had a lot of comments like that!

I have several autoimmune conditions and I generally reply with a laugh and say something along the lines “if only it was that easy but I suppose there is a reason why my consultant has trained for so many decades.”

@WandaWonder Similarly, if I don't want to to post anything useful on a thread about medical things then I don't bother adding to the thread in the first place

But she did post something useful. She told you exactly how to stop these kind of comments. Not sure why you're snarking at her about her advice. Maybe channel that snark into responses with your friends if you're comfortable speaking to people like that and problem solved.

I hear you. I had a suspected auto immune condition a d well 'friends' were telling me about people who had lost their hair and even died from said condition. Sometimes it was overload. I used to say wen we met that I didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes it can just get too much. U must tell them. 5minutes uncomfortable chat cod prevent a lot of discomfort for u. Good luck OP

It depends on the tone the person is taking with me.

Was the horrified friend giving you a lecture about medical treatment? If so I might have been sharper in pointing out it's a complex medical subject of which she (clearly) has little knowledge. If people are being rude and judgemental, I don't think you have to tip toe around them in shutting it down.

With the people who are making well-intended albeit irritating remarks, a lighter brush off similar to TheSnowyOwl.

@PuffinsRocks Have you name changed wanda?

Agree with above, unless they know what wading through treacle feels like and no amount of turmeric in my food is going to stop that feeling.

tbh when people ask how I am I say good thanks, most people don’t really want me to say well actually I’m not feeling good as they don’t know how to respond and I don’t want their well meaning advice

if I want support from others I’d need to find a support group, for me though I found online support groups weren’t of help but had a negative affect

sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, pick one friend you can trust to listen to your rants Moans a etc

@swanling yes, I do think I need to practice light brush offs. And develop a thicker skin so that comments don't bother me in the first place I guess!

When you have an apparently invisible condition it's not as simple as just not mentioning it. My friend gave me a lift to hospital for a scan last week. Do I refuse to tell her anything about why I was having it? Do I refuse to talk about it when friends ask why I'm not working currently? Do I remain silent when friends notice I can't walk up a flight of stairs without resting half way? My snarkiness is because wanda's comment was exactly what my op was about - how to deal with comments from people who have no understanding of what the condition is like, but think they do.

@OttoGraph Totally agree with you, no one wants to listen to endless whingeing, myself included! I don't willingly talk about my condition very much at all for exactly this reason, and I am actually one of life's listeners rather than a talker. But when it is obvious I'm not on good form, friends do of course ask what's going on, and that's when the advice starts!

I totally agree with how annoying some of the comments can be.

My aunt told me about how I should change my diet as it really helped her IBS - that's great, I know IBS is awful, unfortunately I have IBD, similar name, some shared symptoms, totally different disease...

The friend who repeatedly told me that weed would cure my Ulcerative Colitis, just after I'd been released from hospital after narrowly avoiding having a large chunk of my bowel removed. That one I gave up replying to, trying to reason with a stoned person who believes that cannabis is is a universal cure all was a pretty pointless endeavour.

I go along with the pp along the lines of wishing it was that easy, or if they are proper batshit crazy loons, just ignoring them.

It feels isolating to be constantly censoring yourself to avoid mentioning something that dictates every moment of your life. Especially if people then start making assumptions to fill in their gaps with their own narrative.

In the same way it would be isolating if a parent was feeling social pressure to censor out any mention or reference to the existence of their children from everyday conversation. It would be grossly unreasonable to expect a parent to do that, I don't see why people managing complex and long term health conditions should have to.

That's my experience anyway. It's really difficult whatever you do.

I have several conditions including two auto immune, and I agree with @WandaWonder and @PuffinsRocks . The less you mention, the less "advice" you get offered. I just say I'm fine, or not such a good day, and the conversation moves to something different. Prior to that when I did talk about it, I used to say OK thanks, I will look into that. It was a polite way to end the conversation.

It's their way of trying to show caring and support in the only way they know how.

Just agree! Easiest way to shut down advice is to say you are already following it: 'Oh yes, I take turmeric - all that. I try everything.' Just say, 'Yes I do that already. It helps a bit.'

If you are out for lunch with people who go on about anti inflammatory diet, just say, '99% of the time that's exactly what I do. The occasional treat like this is fine though.' Then order what you want.

Massive sympathies- I have RA and get lots of advice. I try to tell myself that a lot of it is well meaning and they aren’t trying to annoy me. They are trying to show they care and offer help, and I probably do similar to people about their illnesses/kids/pets.

Some people are just idiots (the ones who claim eating ten apples will miraculously cure it all) and I just respond with a hard stare and say ‘right’ or interesting’.

I have ME/CFS and get similar advice....... most common one being to go on a wheat-free diet and do more Pilates. It's SO ANNOYING!!!!

I like @TheSnowyOwl 's suggestion!

Some suggestions..

That sounds interesting, I will google it

That sounds interesting, can you send me a link to a study on it (this one sometimes prolongs the conversation though!)

That sounds interesting, I will ask my doctor and see if I can try it

That sounds interesting, I will give it a go soon

When they ask how you are..
fine, plodding along, oh you know, taking each day as it comes, not so great today but tomorrow maybe better

Yes, I have RA and UC and always get the comments from my aunt who is obsessed with natural remedies. She is always like 'Have you tried cherry juice?'. They mean well but it drives me insane.

friends do of course ask what's going on, and that's when the advice starts!

yes indeed! I ended up nodding my head agreeably & saying yes I’ll try that & see how I go. Tbh it was easier to be agreeable and when it didn’t make a jot of difference, I could sincerely say, I tried your last suggestion & that didn’t work - you got my hope up and it’s so disappointing your remedy wasn’t any use

Oh and if that doesn’t dissuade them

say, I think it actually made things worse…

I think they do mean well and yes it absolutely drove me insane to be on the receiving end.

I think it is fair to say that, for most people who have an AI condition, the following things are helpful:

• reducing stress as far as possible (which will look different for everbody because of different types of stress and different options / limits / etc for reducing it)

• eating a diet that suits the individual, ideally after finding and eliminating any existing or new trigger foods or other allergies/intolerances

• getting some form of movement that suits the individual, which again will vary enormously from person to person according to their personality and illness, and

• feeling loved/appreciated/valued/ heard/purposeful (again, will look different etc etc)

Generally I think people's suggestions are because they know someone that it made a difference for, because for that individual person it was relevant to one of those categories.

So if it's someone who means well, you can possibly say (eg re a suggestion you give up wheat) 'yes finding a diet that suits each individual is really helpful isn't it. I'm really glad giving up wheat made a difference for [x person]. I've also heard giving up [eg dairy] has made a difference for others, while giving up wheat had no impact. Isn't it interesting how different we all are,'

Then you're sort of both agreeing and able to move on.