Husband resents my illness (sorry for the pity party)

[foibles2011]

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition 2 years ago after being ill for around 6 years. My husband has been less than supportive in that time, he finds my symptoms almost a personal insult and calls me grumpy and miserable all the time. On my good days he is affectionate and kind but when I'm tired and my symptoms are obvious he rolls his eyes and gets frustrated at me, sometimes plain angry, there is no affection or hugs at the time I need it most. He has now got angry at the fact that i nap during the day (advised by rheumatologist) and he has to work ("its alright for some" cue eye roll) so while I'm awake he's constantly checking what I've done and when. He has told me quite plainly I'm not the person he married and that he wants his old wife back, that he gets fed up of my whining and playing the victim 😔 which I try desperately not to do.
In the last month I've started a heavy new medication which is like chemo, plus am changing antidepressants (on rheumatologist advice), have had a failed hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy without anaesthesia and a thyroid biopsy and honestly I'm barely functioning due to exhaustion. There has been no sympathy at all, he hasn't attended any appointments at all, I drove myself home after the biopsies and we ended up having an almighty row because he's angry because I don't feel up to sex at the moment (I'm not meant to for 3 weeks after the hysteroscopy).

I just don't know how to make him understand what I'm going through 😔 if I could just get some affection or a hug that was genuine it wouldn't all seem so hard!

I'm sorry to ramble I just needed to get it off my chest.

No need to reply xxx

Sorry he is so lacking in empathy. Would it help to take him to a medical appointment with you and ask the doctor/nurse to explain your condition to him?

He sounds like an utter twat. Does he have any redeeming features?

Why does he refuse to go to your medical appointments? Is it because if he goes he would have to face the fact your illness is real? Does he see illness as a weakness?

Would he go to counseling with you? If not do you actually have much of a marriage left to deal living with him?

Please tell him you are also disappointed in your spouse...

How long have you been married to this monster?

Do you have friends and family for real life support?

Would you be able to live on your own? Do you have a job or any assets?

So when he said "in sickness and in health" at your wedding it meant nothing?

I'd really struggle with this. I know not everyone views it in the same way but the promises DH and I made to each other at our wedding are important to me. He promised I could rely on him in good and bad times, and I promised him the same. If it turned out that was not the case I'd be questioning the whole thing.

It seems like he doesn’t actually believe that you are ill. Definitely need to take him to your appointments

I had one of these!!
I was bed bound for 3 months with a bad back, on huge doses of medication, taking 40 minutes to get the toilet, unable to sit, only lie or stand and he asked me why I hadn't hoovered or cooked dinner?
I was experiencing pain in my hip (which ended up as a hip replacement 3 years down the line) and was told I was miserable and a wimp and lazy because I couldn't wouldn't walk across the car park then round the supermarket.
However, when he will ill, he was the biggest wimp and I had to do everything for him and support him.
I divorced him!!! And I'm much happier with a new partner who is supportive and lovely.
I'm sorry your husband is a total arse.

Thank you for your replies you really didn't have to x
@islandlulu and @redmarauder he did come to medical appointments in the very beginning once or twice but he is busy with work and asking causes a lot of tension so I generally don't anymore - I have given him lots of information to read on top of what the drs have said but it made no difference.

Regarding counselling I haven't asked because he sees this as my problem - ie if he apologises for something it is to keep the peace not because he means it or means to change - no matter what he is right or i have to give or concede something.

Sorry everyone else the tag stopped working - hes not a monster - he hasn't always been - but things have definitely changed. I've realised love from him is conditional 😔

In terms of support no, I live hours away from family and while yes I have friends who I go for coffee with (only recently moved here, move a lot with his job) I dont have anyone who knows what I'm going through.

I can't work at the moment due to being so ill, had to give up my crafting business due to not being able to hold the paintbrush or pen properly anymore 😔 (another source of anger for him).

The counseling would be couples counseling to save your marriage if it is possible. Otherwise you need to sort out getting divorced.

If my DH was like this with me I’d leave him immediately.

OP you need support, love, friends and family.

You should be asking yourself if your life would be happier with, or without him. My guess is without. Is it financially viable? If you really need to stay with him, you definitely need couples counselling, as the marriage isn't working if he can't support you when you are ill.

Can you leave him, before you have no self respect abd self esteem left?

He’s an utter wanker

OP I'll be honest. It is debilitating living with someone with chronic ill health. My DH still works and has hobbies, but not a day has gone by in 7 years that he hasn't complained to me how ill/tired he is like a broken record. Our sex life is non existent. The rare occasions I'm not working in the evening and I'm looking forward to time together he needs an early night. People say noone should have to stay in a sexless/boring relationship, unless your partner has chronic health conditions and then you are pure evil for expressing how it impacts your life negatively. I get the worst of my DH like I'm sure your DH gets the worst of you. My partner also does have health anxiety so the small symptoms become big symptoms. It isn't just the ill persons life that is impacted by a long term health condition, but the healthy person is always expected to have unconditional concern and empathy and be fine with having a heavily restricted life style and it's not easy. I do feel awful for how I feel and I do try not to show it but sometimes its hard.

I agree with @user27378

I was also on the other side of this. It felt like a competition you can never win on who is more tired or feeling unwell or just generally having a bad day. You feel like you can't complain or express tiredness or any kind of "negative" emotion because of course the other person is so much worse off? You feel isolated and alone as you don't get any support as the partner in these situations. Whilst the ill person has medicines and medical support maybe even access to counselling and a sympathetic ear to talk to we are expected just to carry on and be the "strong" one. And yes I also had to bear the financial brunt of this trying to ensure we could pay the bills whilst he didn't work. When I was ill
myself I had to suck it up and carry on because I felt I had no choice. Sex was non existent and so was any form of affection or acknowledgement really. Did I resent him? Yes. Did I hate the situation we were in? Yes.
We get the worst of the person we married with no end date in sight. We are expected to sacrifice everything we dreamed about being in a loving family unit because we said "in sickness and in health" . No one expects anything from you because you are ill. All the expectations fall on the other partner?
I can imagine this is tough to hear but it helps to hear a perspective from the "other side"

I have to say though no matter my negative feelings I didn't behave cruelly towards DH. If I wanted to get angry I'd do it away from him. I always offered support and love and I didn't express my frustrations to his face as yours is doing?

I think you need to have a tough and Frank discussion with him. Explain that this isn't going away. You may never be the wife he married. That you hope your symptoms will improve but there is no guarantees. And what does this mean for your marriage? Be prepared that maybe he doesn't want to stick it out? If so let him go. You'll only drag yourself down tiptoe ing around him by hiding when you are feeling unwell or need support. It's not fair on you - you deserve someone who will be there to hold your hand x

Im sorry you are going through this. He no longer respects you. Without respect I don’t think there can be love. Sorry.

I had ME chronic fatigue for about two years (struggling to go to work for a full week or do housework or have sex)when my then partner started behaving like yours.

Apparently I wasn’t ill, I was making it up for sympathy.
It wasn’t fair that I got paid sick leave in excess of statutory rates from my office job when he didn’t get that in his manual labour job (no idea what that had to do with anything just an indication of his feelings at the time), If it was a real disease the doctor would have cured me by now.
Having me behave like this was affecting him and how very dare I kind of thing.

Basically it was all about him.
How he needed a capable partner. How he needed me to be well so he didn’t have to worry as that wasn’t fair on him.
How he wanted out sex life back.
How he wanted paid sick leave on his job (he knew the terms and conditions when he took it a decade earlier).

How he didn’t want the feelings of doubt and suspicion about my fake illness making him uncomfortable.
All about him.

Meanwhile I could only load the dishwasher with three plates at a time before I had to sit for five. Not that he cared. He actually told me that as I was home I might as well do his share if the housework too.

Here was my loving partner of eight years behaving horribly towards me at a time I needed him most and didn’t deserve his twisted attitude at all. It came from nowhere. I still don’t understand it looking back.

I waited until I felt well enough and I told him we were through. That there was no way he loved or respected me any more so we were better off apart.

I missed him and cried for months but I got my independence back and found various coping strategies that enabled me to manage.

I got acupuncture which is amazing as it can help significantly with things western medicine cannot (£50 a go up here, i would recommend trying it if you can afford to, for a few sessions to see if it helps).

You can’t make someone love or respect you. Don’t make excuses for him. He is behaving disgustingly and you deserve better. Use him til you’re well enough to boot him out.

Again thank you all for the replies and for the differing perspectives.

I do appreciate that my illness must be hard for my husband and I run myself into the ground trying to make it easier for him, I don't go to bed and rest when I should, I still do all the housework, I avoid talking about my illness, pain levels unless he asks me to (he has asked me not to be negative), I do all the school runs, my appointments - everything as if I wasn't ill.

In fact until now I had ignored the drs advice to slow down, rest etc because it wasn't fair on him.

So please within the realms of possibility what more can I do? Without complete burn out which honestly is where I feel I am now?

He may not be a monster, but he is a despicable excuse for a human being.

It sounds like he only ever treated you "well" when you were doing everything for him and it was all on his terms. Now you can't he's punishing you.

I'm sorry for the posters who struggled with the behaviour/chronic illness of a partner, but those posters should have taken responsibility for their own wellbeing and sought support. Some of the comments here about disabled people are disgusting and the people making them should be ashamed.

Nobody with chronic illness deserves to be treated this way or told that their illness makes them an unlovable nuisance and they should cause themselves harm to be convenient to others.

If you don't love someone when they are ill and suffering then you never loved them.

Anyone who talks about people "playing the victim" is scum. Or expects other people to behave like robots for them with all this "your suffering is too negative, keep it to yourself" bullshit.

Op, you need to stop causing yourself harm to try and appease him. Your life is valuable and you deserve to be cared for - that starts with caring for yourself.

We are expected to sacrifice everything we dreamed about being in a loving family unit because we said "in sickness and in health"

Life is not a Disney film. Life is filled with losses that you have to grieve and adjust to. It's not the fault of the person with serious illness that it means loss for the people around them as well as themselves.

People die in accidents, they experience infertility, they get cancer, chronic illness, disability... It's shit but it's life.

If you never actually meant those vows, why make them? Did you think it just meant flu and if anything more serious came along to jeopardise your dreams you would cut and run?

Treating other people like trash - and telling other disabled people they need to think about what a huge inconvenience and disappointment they are to their loved ones - is really disgusting. You should be ashamed.

OP I have also been on the other side of this. I never once rolled my eyes. I never once said it's alright for some or mocked my partner.

I expressed my frustration to a carers support group and took time to make myself practice self care so I did not become resentful and competitive. I did not act with contempt towards my partner because their illness frustrated me. I shared my partner's hatred of the illness and we were angry about it together. He is a shit partner.

It didn't take long for the partner shaming to start .

I am a partner to someone with a chronic illness too. It is a very difficult transition for both parties. Of course - far worse for the person who experiences such debilitating symptoms. Yet the "well" partner also enters a new phase of the relationship where their partner's personality has changed, their life may be limited in a range of ways, they may have find personal reserves to do practical and emotional labour that stretches them.

However, it sounds like your partner foibles is behaving horribly. I'm so sorry you're not getting any kind of support - instead just censure from him. Some people despicably consider illness as weakness.

What would you like to happen next? Would it be possible to go to counselling together - does he have enough emotional intelligence to work on things?

It sounds as if a 50/50 custody arrangement would give you the opportunity for more rest if you're currently doing everything all the time anyway? I'm sending you all my best as chronic life is so difficult, and our current society is just not set up to support unwell and differently abled people.

@user128472578267

Who should be ashamed??? Where did I say I ever said to my partner he should be ashamed of himself and that he was a massive inconvenience 🤔🤔

Some of the comments here about disabled people are disgusting and the people making them should be ashamed.

Not one comment on here is being derogatory against disabled people! Is no one allowed to express an opinion that their partner could quite possibly be a burden 🤔 and there THEIR lives have been impacted and not in a good way? It doesn't mean that they love their partner any less or treat them In the way that OPs partner has? HIS behaviour IS despicable

And no there is ZERO support for partners of those who have a chronic illness

OP why are you still trying to behave in the way you did before, running around doing everything, contrary to doctors orders?

You can’t. He doesn’t respect you no matter what you do so perhaps it’s time to do what the doctor says? That could leave you feeling better rested and in less pain so I’m a better mood, which may be nicer for all concerned?

Is it worth staying with him?

A friend dumped her partner when she was diagnosed with cancer. She said his reaction made her realise that he was the problem - he was worse than being treated for cancer

She was lucky enough to survive, found someone else at a survivors group and never looked back.