Urgent Help - Partner

[DandyBlueBird]

I’m not sure if this is the right forum but I am in desperate need of some advice. This is a bit of a doozy.

I am a kiwi that has lived in the UK since 2019. I met my British partner and we had a baby last year.
Whilst I absolutely love and adore being a mum, our relationship has been absolutely decimated. We have fought constantly pretty much since week 2 of having the baby. It’s been the best year and by far the worst year at the same time.

I had a c-section so had that recovery to deal with as well as pretty bad baby blues. He was very uncaring and unsupportive during that time. I was told that my “bad mood” was bringing him down. I booked the registration appointment for the week after I gave birth and accidentally mixed up the days, and ended up arriving at the appointment for them to say I was meant to come the day prior. Instead of my partner understanding that I’d made a mistake in a very fragile time of sleep deprivation and major surgery recovery, he said to me “how the fuck did you get that wrong” because he was tired and hot from carrying the baby 150m up the road.

He’s told me things like he would happily give me custody of the baby and then reconnect with him when the baby is 18 because our newborn “annoyed him.” Our baby is now 12 months old and to this day my partner has not once gotten the baby up in the morning or offered to do so for me to have a lie in. He took the baby out by himself for the first time 2 weeks ago. He will happily sit on the couch on his phone while I am cooking every single meal all 3 of us eat, feeding the baby, cleaning up, getting the baby ready for bed, and doing bedtime. He told me that he is not doing anything at night during the week as he needs to work. He has chosen to play video games when I’ve been in our room with our screaming baby on my own - and has then gotten mad at me for asking for some help as that was interrupting his me time.

We have had the most horrendous arguments (never physical) that escalate into me sobbing and sobbing by myself while he sits on the couch on his phone. He rolls his eyes and tuts when I cry and has told me before it annoys him when I get upset. I just don’t know what to do. He told me my looks have deteriorated and also told me my nipples during pregnancy gave him the ick and then tries to tell me it’s a joke, and gets angry at me for not being able to take a joke when I say it hurt my feelings.

I’ve recently expressed to him how deeply unhappy I am here in the UK being away from my family. He absolutely refuses to even contemplate moving to New Zealand and also doesn’t want us going every year as it’s “a lot to ask of him.” We aren’t married and he won’t let me take our baby home by myself for Christmas this year as he thinks it’s too much for the baby.

I am just at a complete loss and feeling very much like I’ve ruined my life. It’s of course not all bad and he is a bit better these days, however I have sooooo much anger and resentment built up that I’m finding it harder and harder to make sacrifices for my family when I feel I’m the only doing so. I’m finding myself less and less in love with him as each day progresses.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and got through it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

He can’t force you to live in the UK, but he can in theory get the baby return returned
However, in my experience of being the other way round i.e. in Australia wanting to return to the UK the judges were extremely sympathetic to my case
And did allow us to go back
However, the paperwork did not get filed and this is a little bit outing, but I’m hoping because it’s on this board it won’t get picked up
The paperwork wasn’t filed and when I went to board the plane with my children I had four armed federal officers pointing machine guns at me as I was arrested and I had to spend 24 hours in police custody whilst the paperwork was sorted and then I was allowed to have my children back
The ex had actually driven us to the airport and was downstairs when I was being removed and taken into custody.

These things are not as simple as they look on the telly

You cannot take the baby outside of the country without his permission. Do not do this.

Separately, you also cannot usually enter a country of which you are a citizen without a passport for that country. Your baby is probably an NZ citizen by virtue of being your child and therefore can't enter on an NZ passport- but you need to check.

You should definitely leave this man. However, you are now (probably) unfortunately part of the club of women who are stuck in the UK due to having a British partner and having had a baby in this country with that partner. I am sorry - I am also part of this club.

Do you have your own right to remain in the UK sorted?

**Can't enter UNLESS on an NZ passport

OP I’m really sorry you’re in this terrible situation. Unfortunately you’re getting a lot of bad advice on this thread. You can’t just take the baby back to NZ. You would be in breach of international law (The Hague Convention) so you do need his permission if you want to relocate. **ETA you also need his permission to take the baby out of the country even temporarily, e.g. for a holiday. Sometimes people get away with this, but if you are challenged at any border, you could find yourself in trouble.

That said, I think you should work on moving out and splitting up with him. He sounds dreadful and worse than no support at all.

@DandyBlueBird - you have two identical threads running…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5381240-urgent-advice-partner?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Maybe ask MN to merge them.

Thank you all so much for your advice, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to answer my thread.

He has said before why don’t I just leave him
and we will share the baby. He won’t ever pull the plug himself and is waiting for me to do it for whatever reason…

Legally, there is a big difference between taking your baby to New Zealand for a holiday and taking them to live there.

You don't need your husband's consent for the former, but it's possible that you might get tricky questions at the border. It is better if you can get a letter from him confirming he consents to you going for a holiday. If he says he's effectively happy for you to have "custody" of your child until they are 18 months old, what's the problem with you going there for a holiday if you're not forcing him to go too?

If you separate from him and get a formal child arrangements order which says you don't need his consent for holidays up to a certain length, a copy of that would be OK for border control in the absence of a letter from him. Similarly, you could also go to court to get consent for a specific holiday.

Taking your child to live in New Zealand is a completely different matter. The legal position is that you cannot do this without your husband's consent. If you do and he decides to take legal action, you can be forced to leave New Zealand and return to the UK with your child, and there is a risk that your child could be taken away from you if he decides he wants to be the resident parent. Although it doesn't sound like he's very keen on actual parenting. Going without his consent is the risky option. There might be no consequences if he decides not to fight it. But if he does decide to fight it, you'll be in big trouble.

It is possible to get the court to give you permission to relocate to New Zealand without his consent, but this will be difficult, costly and time consuming. And it's something that can obviously only happen in the context of you permanently separating. You would need a really good lawyer for this.

Firstly you need to decide whether your relationship is over or not. If he wants to stay together, tell him that going to New Zealand once a year with your baby is non negotiable. He doesn't have to come, but he has to let you and the baby go. If he doesn't give his permission you will go to court and get permission from a judge, so he might as well just give you his permission.

If you decide that the relationship is over, separate formally, get your own place, establish yourself as your child's primary caregiver, and ensure that he has full access to spend time with his child. Only communicate with him in writing if possible, always be polite and helpful, and keep a record of all your discussions, including any times when he doesn't show up or doesn't see his child for a while. Basically your long game here is to be able to go to court in a couple of years time and say, you're the primary caregiver, you're miserable in the UK, you don't have any family support here, you can give your child a much better life in New Zealand, and he doesn't bother to see his child anyway. Commit to coming back to the UK once a year so she can see him. That's your best shot of getting a court to agree to you taking your child to live there if he doesn't consent.