Walking on egg shells

[Venu]

I am wanting advice on how to deal with a challenging situation regarding my partner of 14 years.

He and.I have lived in London (I am originally from NZ) and being a kiwi, I was desperate for a bit of green. My partner eventually agreed and he bought a new build. I own my own apartment and I was living with him in his flat he owned. He is financing everything and it has been a struggle to get my opinion heard as we often have very different views and he takes the view he is paying so if he doesn’t like it, he will veto my idea. To be fair we have agreed on most things.

He is very stressed with how much everything is costing and won’t listen when I ask him to budget and look at other options that are more realistically priced!

He was incredibly rude to me today when I put the put the washing liquid in the wrong place aa he was breathing down my neck as he is constantly worried that one of his expensive products will break by me! The coffee machine exploded coffee everywhere as I pushed the wrong button! He called me useless in the heat of the moment Thus just made things worse. He did apologise but he is like a cat in a hot tin roof and it is so hard to live like this.

There’s a few things I would be concerned about. Why is it only him financing the house? Are you going to be on the deeds and will you be paying towards living in this home?

His opinion that he gets the final say as he’s paying doesn’t lend itself to a harmonious living situation. If the house is only in his name, or if you only own a small percentage, will this continue when you’re living together? If he’s acting like this is “his” home already, it puts you in a vulnerable position if you don’t have a straightforward legal stake in it. After 14 years I’d expect that your approach to finances and household items would be shared.

Does he truely want to move to a less urban setting? I’m making assumptions as you mention living in flats, that you’re moving to a new build and that you want green space. This would be a huge lifestyle change on top of the stresses of moving. You don’t mention children so I assume it’s just the two of you, or is this another factor adding to things?

I suppose what I’m getting at is that there sounds like there’s a lot more to your post than “we’re moving house and it’s stressful”. Perhaps the house build and upcoming move have brought other issues to the surface. After 14 years with someone you should be working as a team with joint goals and responsibilities. That doesn’t appear to be the case.

I think you know the answer is that you need to sit down together, work out a budget and discuss how to make it work. The question is why hasn’t this happened already and why is he so reluctant to do that?

Thanks for your post! Really helpful! We have no children together. He has a grown up daughter. He went through a very rough divorce where he lost so much financially due to his wife’ overspending and debts amongst other things. They argued constantly. He earns a lot more money than me.

Each month I financially contribute a fair amount towards living costs but he pays a fortune for his mortgage and outgoings in central London and now he has a second mortgage for this hugely expensive new build. I won’t be contributing to the house as well as what I contribute toward his London flat I am staying in abd ny own mortgage. I have tenants in my owned flat.

I said we must make decisions together about the new house so it feels like my home too.

You have started two threads on this subject, both using the expression 'walking on eggshells' in the title- that is enough to reveal that this is not a happy relationship. Get out now, before it gets worse. Dump the twat and move forward into sunnier times...

This is the fun part of a relationship when things are still new and exciting. Not that all relationships are awful later, just that this is the building the foundations part. If you have cracks now they'll be be great big open holes in the future.
He doesn't sound like he cares or values you!

Sorry I missed and thought 14 months - 14 years!! No things sound like they've been bad for ages.

This doesn't sound like a healthy partnership. I do understand why he wants to keep finances separate after being burnt once. But it's rough on you not to have a say in a house that is supposed to be your home as well.

You said you were the one who wanted greenery. Is it possible he agreed to the new build to keep you happy and is now stressed with money and taking it out on you? That's not ok and it's not an excuse but it might help you think through whether this is a temporary issue you can work through or a death knell.

I am not from New Zealand (nor Australia), but a relationship feeling like walking on egg shells does not sound like fun or healthy.

I hope everything will work our for you, @Venu .

It’s difficult to judge other people’s relationships based on very limited information, so I suppose it’s a question of working out what you want. He’s the only one who can sort out his mood so that’s up to him.

If you were the one who wanted the greenery in the first place, could you offer contribute to the new house as a way of having a financial stake in it and also alleviating the burden on him? Yes he’s been burned before, but you’ve been together 14 years so surely he knows you aren’t the same as his ex wife by now.

If he doesn’t want to do this I’d question why. You could discuss with lawyers how to protect individual contributions in the event of separation, so blaming it all on his ex wife after all this time is a bit convenient. You currently live in and contribute to his flat in London (you refer to it as his so I assume it’s not in your name?) and he also expects you to live in his new home, also in his name. It seems a bit one sided after a 14 year relationship.

Add this to having to walk on egg shells all the time and it’s starting to paint a picture of an unhealthy balance. Has it always been this way?

Thanks everyone for taking the time to contribute.We have had great times over the years but when he is stressed then this type of behaviour has reared its head.

He does want to live there as his recent hobby is hand gliding so this area we are in is perfect for that.

I have made a lot of decisions and he does listen to my opinions. It’s hard when the house is in his name as is his flat I live in. However, we did discuss selling my flat and fling in together but I wan to keep my security and if things don’t work out I would always have somewhere to go.

I have a wonderful job in London with super friends.I am not moving down to the country whilst we have these cracks. I am realistic in the sense that I can’t change a 56 year old man but he will need to change his attitude if I give up my job and like here to live with him and his rule book.

We are very different and he is incredibly successful in his field. I’ve always admired his quirks and he has a lot of positives but he is very complex!

he is very complex!

Sounds more like a garden-variety moody controlling arsehole to me.