Both these sound good but I'm open to any other suggestions:
stitch n bitch crochet: the happy hooker
or
crochet unravelled
They both have good reviews, I'm just wondering which might be best for a complete and utter (and I can't stress that enough, I know NOTHING) beginner. I want to put one on my Christmas list!
This is your fault Narketta and some of the ponces on the poncetastic Christmas thread who are knitting snow flakes and possibly the sweetest Robins I've ever seen 
Thanks 