High risk for 2nd time

[babylily]

Hi,
I'm just devastated and don't know what to do. 4 years ago we had a nuchal of 3.5, high risk of 1:80, CVS, then termination of a baby boy with Downs. My bloods were perfectly normal (in fact they sent me a letter a week after my termination to tell me so)
Today, we have been given a nuchal of 3.2, and been booked in to see the consultant on wednesday. Combined with this, I am now 37 as I have a previous pregnancy with Downs I am high risk.
I just don't think I can go through CVS again, the risk of losing the baby, the wait for results, the absolute horror of being induced and delivering a tiny tiny baby.
I've spent the last 3 weeks in torture waiting to hear if the baby would survive to 12 weeks (I had emergency surgery to remove an ovary). We tried for 15 months to conceive and fertility clinic told us my husbands sperm count would make it almost impossible to conceive at all.
I can't think straight at all. Am i just seeing the short term, and being selfish about putting myself through the agony of diagnosis and termination? I don't know what to do at all, do I go through the next 6 months not knowing if the baby has Downs or not? And how do we live with ourselves choosing to terminate one pregnancy and not another.
I'm just so devastated, I don't know what to do. Has anyone ever been in this situation? Don't know how to cope.

Oh babylily - this is such a difficult time for you and I wish there was some magic advice we could give you which would make everything better. I think these first days and weeks are really just about survival, and then gradually you'll start to feel stronger and more able to deal with things.

Has the hospital offered you any counselling? It might be worth looking into, particularly if you feel you want to go over things again and keep your baby's memory fresh in your mind.

I totally understand how you feel about seeing things like pregnancy tests - these awful reminders hit me like a brick time and time again. I kept seeing baby bumps the same size I felt I should have been, and then after Christmas everywhere I looked were newborn babies, reminding me I didn't have one. But each time, it got slightly easier and slightly less raw. You will get through this. And do keep posting (here or on the other thread) - talking, even in mumsnet world, really can help. xxx

Babylily, it does, honestly, start to feel less raw. You start to crave normality and to move on - I say move on, but at the same time the loss of the baby is always with you and your life isn't the same anymore.

I wonder if you might find counselling helpful. Or maybe this period of raw agony is you working through the pain yourself (I repressed a lot of it and I don't think it helped, in retrospect). Either way I agree that talking helps.

I have photos of one of my lost babies, the one I delivered at 20 weeks. For months I couldnt face them. Now I look at them a lot. I understand not wanting to forget. It's so hard.

Lots of hugs.