High risk for 2nd time

[babylily]

Hi,
I'm just devastated and don't know what to do. 4 years ago we had a nuchal of 3.5, high risk of 1:80, CVS, then termination of a baby boy with Downs. My bloods were perfectly normal (in fact they sent me a letter a week after my termination to tell me so)
Today, we have been given a nuchal of 3.2, and been booked in to see the consultant on wednesday. Combined with this, I am now 37 as I have a previous pregnancy with Downs I am high risk.
I just don't think I can go through CVS again, the risk of losing the baby, the wait for results, the absolute horror of being induced and delivering a tiny tiny baby.
I've spent the last 3 weeks in torture waiting to hear if the baby would survive to 12 weeks (I had emergency surgery to remove an ovary). We tried for 15 months to conceive and fertility clinic told us my husbands sperm count would make it almost impossible to conceive at all.
I can't think straight at all. Am i just seeing the short term, and being selfish about putting myself through the agony of diagnosis and termination? I don't know what to do at all, do I go through the next 6 months not knowing if the baby has Downs or not? And how do we live with ourselves choosing to terminate one pregnancy and not another.
I'm just so devastated, I don't know what to do. Has anyone ever been in this situation? Don't know how to cope.

Still not had result.Rang the hospital at 4 and the midwife just said the results come in when they arrive,not to any timetable and to try back tomorrow afternoon or monday. asked if i could ring bristol direct fro my result, but that was a no too (they wont give results over the phone).
Terrified of having to wait until monday.
Can't stop shaking. Went out to pick up my daughter from school and it was dreadful. Couldn't speak to anyone, just wanted the world to go away. Had a call from my own midwife today - absolutely worthless as she is - she 'just ringing to let me know she was aware of what was going on.' No offers of advice, a visit, anything other than ticking the box of making contact.
God knows how i'll sleep tonight.
will post again tomorrow.

I'm sorry that things are still in limbo, the waiting is horrible because it's easier to imagine the worst than that things might actually still be OK. But at your CVS they did offer their thoughts about how your pregnancy was different, esp with taking progesterone and how this may skew the test results. So I'd hold onto that thought for now; yes the stats are high for someone in normal circumstances but your circumstances are not normal. Plus even with high stats in normal circumstances, they are not 1:1, ie the worst ones you have are 1:22 which means that there is still a 21:22 odds of things being OK.

We got our CVS results over the phone; however I'm guessing the lab couldn't give the results as that is not their role. If the CVS results get to the hospital tomorrow, will they give you the results if you phone them up?

Honestly, tonight I would try to distract yourself tonight by watching TV or listening to something on headphones (or going on Mumsnet, but doesn't always work!). Really hoping all will be well for you.

Feel for you babylily. Hoping you get the results tomorrow. Try watching crap telly - it sometimes works to distract me.

Sorry to hear you have to wait longer - waiting does just suck!
My understaning is that the length of time it takes for CVS results depends on whether the lab does a "direct preparation" or not; if not the cells have to be cultured which simply takes time.

Still having everything crossed for you here FWIW.

Baby has edwards syndrome.
we are just stunned and devastated. To have had Downs and then this just destroys me.
Had the call at 1.30 and just home from seeing my consultant. Go back in tomorrow for a surgical termination - thank god my consultant managed to get me on the emergency list as I would be 13 weeks on sunday and would need induction.
I couldnt face another delivery. This seems easier.
Hav been throwing up with the horror of it all afternoon.
My consultant (who i saw through all my babies) is referring us to see a geneticist asap.He said he believes its just bad luck. think i'm going a bit numb now.
this is just like some nightmare.

oh Babylily

I'm so so so sorry to hear this. The horror of having this happen twice astounds me.

Wishing you strength tomorrow.

BK

Babylily -there are no words.
I can imagine the trauma and horror you are going through my love. I have been there too - two terminations for DS. I am so sad for you; I am sure, as your consultant will say, it is bad luck and not genes. That is of little comfort though, I know.
Just get through each minute at a time, hold on tight to your husband and loved ones.
You will get through it but it will shape you.
There are many of us here who can and will hold your hand.
Talk to us if you need to.
Any time of day or night.
if you need some real comfort, do contact me by CAT if it may help to talk.
It is not fair at all.
Bee x

Im so so so sorry to hear your devastating news - life is shit sometimes. I hope you can find a way through this

BusierBee is so good at putting thoughts into words that I can really only echo what she writes. I am so, so sorry that you have this news. Hold onto your family tight and also find the time to grieve and rage and talk (not always easy when you have young children about). It is not fair. But do talk, do rage, do grieve. If you want to continue posting, we'll be here for you .

Oh Babylily, I am so sorry.

I have been there too - twice had to terminate for fatal conditions. I think numbness gets you through. After the second time, I felt drained right to the core, absolutely exhausted, as though getting through it had cost me all my energy.

It does get easier - and you do get through it - but it is very hard.

Good luck tomorrow and I will be thinking of you.

Had a big cuddle with my precious 3 year old when she came home and know i've got to hold it together for her and her sister.
Convinced it's not going to be so bad this time as I won't actually give birth or hold the baby. I've put the scan pictures away in the memory box we bought for our son.
I feel torn as it feels so cold to prefer not to deliver him myself, it's like this babys existance won't be noted. There won't be a whole baby to hold a funeral for.
They didn't have the baby's sex at the hospital - that will come in the full report from Bristol in a few weeks. I'm thinking it's a girl just because it had survived so much after my operation, and girls with Edwards survive longer; but in a way i wonder if its a boy, and maybe we just have a genetic problem with boys. Dont even know if i can give this baby a name, it feels like we've had no choice in any of this so to choose a name for a baby i'll never see doesn't feel like my right.
I'm exhausted, and already feel like i've said goodbye to the baby, despite it being live and safe in me still.
You've all been so kind, and to 'speak' to people who truly have been there is all i want to do. We move to scotland next month, and i dont want to see any of my RL friends before then...I just dont want sympathy and platitudes from well-meaning friends.
i will keep posting..just cant believe that by lunchtime tomorrow i wont be pregnant any more.

Hi Lily

I dont think you sound cold. You just know what it is like, and you need to get through.

As for the name- I named both my lost daughters but to be honest I rarely use either name even in my head - it just doesnt deel like they ever inhabited those names, if you see what I mean. I gave them names to remember them but in the end I remember them fdifferently, very privately. These losses, I have found, separate us from the rest of the world.

Here I have found people who do get it and who I can talk to. When you are ready, please join us on the 'support after termination' thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/899148-Talk-Antenatal-support-thread-for-women-who-have -chosen-to

We have all been through this and it helps, somehow, to talk to people who understand.

You will remember from last time that the run-up to the termination is the worst part. It gets slowly easier after. And you have your beautiful girls to help you - I found having to be there for my DD really meant I didnt crack up.

Good luck, and I hope tomorrow is at least peaceful.

'When you're going through hell - just keep walking'.

It's all you can do.

Babylily
You sound sane and kind and a good mum honey. It is something no one should have to go through. I had two surgical terminations and gave neither baby a name and was not told the sex. Those babies live in my heart forever as scan images, as babies that never made it through to three dimensions. I understand totally why you do not feel a name is fitting. Somehow I felt that I did not have the right.
I wish you well for tomorrow - I hope they are gentle and kind. I hope you and your husband hold on tight to each other.
I like the words from Fifitot - you must keep walking. You will do. Tiny steps. Sometimes grinding to a halt.
You will get through this.
Ps two of our regular posters on the support thread for women who have chosen to terminate live in Scotland. They are both insightful and wonderful women.
Thinking of you
Bee xxxxxxxx

Oh babylily, I am so so sorry. I had a termination for Edwards Sydrome 2 months ago, and it broke my heart and was the hardest thing I have ever done. I also had a surgical termination at 13 weeks. I didn't find out the sex of my baby in the end, but my gut instinct was that it was little girl. Try and take each hour at a time, and be strong for your little girls, it was my little boy that got me through those dark days following my termination.

babylily, I am so so sorry to hear your news .
Really there is not a lot I can add to what everybody else has said. I hope tomorrow's procedure will go as well as can be expected and that you recover (at least physically) well.
One of my lost pregnancies was a baby with Edward's. I miscarried so did not have the heartbreak of having to make any active decisions - you are a very strong lady and I admire you for your composure.
I hope that you and your DH can be a support to each other and that your DCs are some comfort to you.
Be kind to yourself and I hope you will see better times v v soon.

So sorry Babylily. Was hoping for better news for you.

baby lily, what devastating news. I am very sorry you are having such a tough time. Thoughts to you and your family

I hope you are soon safely home and snuggled up with your family.
You have endured something no one should have to. Well done Babylily.
Sending you love and strength
Bee xxxxxxxxxx

Such poignant and kind replies... In tears yet again.
I got home this afternoon - had to stay overnight as i had such low blood pressure. A blessing really, as I had a lovely quiet private room where I could sit and sob as much as i needed. Couldn't have handled trying to be okay for me daughters.
I started having contractions as soon as I was given the prostaglandin pessary, and was almost hysterical by the time i went into theatre. Everyone was so kind, and everyone kept telling me how I'd done the kindest thing for the baby. I feel bereft, and still sick. Need to stop feeling pregnant now.
I know that Friday and Saturday were the worst of the days, and I will never go back there again this time.
Have had so many messages from friends, but i'm just stunned by their inability to empathise...offers of tea and sympathy/ or lunch are not waht I need. Its a much loved and longed for baby i've lost, not a pet. Dont want to see anyone in RL beyond my family. Hoping my parents can come down this week, and at least help me to pack up for our move.
Back to normal for school run tomorrow...need an invisibility cloak, but may pretend to have ipod in instead.
Will post on the other thres when this feels a little less 'sharp'

Oh Babylily - know just what you mean re invisibility cloak. Sometimes you just need to hide and wrap yourself away for a bit, take the time to be alone. I hope you manage to find a bit of space this week. xx

Thank you for the update, Lily. And be prepared for endless unexpected reactions - people seem to think you can bounce back from this in record time, whereas as you know from last time, it changes you and it is hard.

The invisibility cloak is a good idea. Protection so you can cry, close your eyes, hide.

I also recommend wine, novels, baths, warmth - it's very tiring, this sort of grief..... Good luck and come back and talk.

Ahhhh Lily, you have made it through the most acutely painful part - well done my love.
I agree with Cantdo's words - your strength and copability have been stretched to breaking point - it really takes it out of the spirit. You are allowed to be or do what you want for a few weeks. I had my hood up, my face said 'keep away. I did the school run, I ran home.
I cried - when it overwhelmed me, I took to my bed and sobbed and dozed and got up and pootled and posted here sometimes for hours on end.
Look at your girls and feel their love of you; if they are a wee bit older, like mine, it may help to say that you have been poorly and had a little operation and are a bit delicate. Did you do that last time?
Eat lovely things, drink wine if it helps, have baths, snuggle up in his arms and cry whenever you want to.
Well done sweetie - you are brave and strong and the sun will shine.
I wish you well.
hugs
bee xxxxxxx

I also recommend sunglasses too.

spoke to my doctor yesterday and he has given me a week's supply of diazepam. Have both my girls home sick with ear infections today which means I dont have to leave the house. Yesterday was awful. I just felt so helpless. Cried all the way to school, cried at home. My elder daughter knows that another baby has died, and she said to me that really we were already a '6' family rather than a '4', just didn't have the 2 babies living with us.
Just want my hospital appointments to be as soon as possible, so i can go over this again with my consultant. I don't want it all to be over,I want to keep the links open, for my baby to still be ackowledged and talked about.
I braved going to Boots and bought a thermometer to start temp charting, then had to run to the toilets and throw up when I saw the pregnancy tests. Lay on the floor staring into space for about 2 hours yesteray afternoon while my youngest slept. The diazepam helping now though, I actually slept last night.
BL x