Not sure where to post

[BigBlueEyes]

I have recently got a BFP. Have one DC and thought I definitely wanted another one but since I got the BFP I haven't felt positive at all, it just feels all wrong somehow.

I don't know what to do. Nobody knows about the BFP, haven't told DH yet (he would be happy but wouldn't/can't understand anything less than totally positive feelings), so I don't have anyone to share with. As soon as I tell him I will have to be 100% fantabulous about it all and he will no doubt tell lots of people quietly (ie behind my back). I just need some space/time to get things straight for myself first. I don't even know why I feel bad about things. All I know is that I am drawn to the thought of not going through with it. If I go ahead with the pg then I will always know the thought crossed my mind not to go through with it so I will feel terrible either way.

In the mornings it's all ok for a few seconds until I remember, then I feel worried/scared/nervous. Same as when I am occupied with something, I have a "break" from thinking about it and worrying about it all. If someone offered me the choice of being pg or not right now I would choose not. I just don't know if that means I can/should/could act upon it. Plus DH and I have had quite a few niggles recently and we are worried about money.

I don't know what I am asking, I just wanted to share with someone. Thanks for reading.

When you feel worried / scared what exactly is it you are imagining? Is it how you will cope financially? Is it the sleepless nights? Is it the disruption to your life / work? Or is it a general unspecific fear?

Perhaps you need a bit more time to get used to the idea, then you might feel more positive?

I personally think perhaps you should discuss it with your DH - I know you think that will close down your options, but if you were frank with him about how you feel, maybe it would help. I almost think he has a right to know, but I'm not 100% sure about that. Out of interest were you using any contraception or not?

Thanks for your post Rene.

I don't know what terms my worries are on... I know I feel "ok" about the coping with a baby so it's not that. I think it just feels too much too soon as if I've bitten off more than I can chew somehow.

I feel like work will see me as a boomerang employee who's taking the mickey (DD is 13mo, returned to work 2m ago). Money is uncertain (DH is self employed so good times/bad times rather than regular income.

Even though DH and I are strong and he's an excellent dad I have an image of struggling round the supermarket as a single mum with 2 young DCs, it's ridiculous. There has been no talk of splitting up and we're happy.

Come to think of it my parents split up when I was 2 (have a DSis who was 4 at the time) and both my parents had a hard time coping as single parents for a good few years and consequently we as children had a hard time too. Maybe it's connected to that. Also I got good at looking after myself mentally, which is how I can well keep things to myself. As a child I felt such a lack of control over our (mine and Dsis's) lives that I am outwardly calm and organised but inwardly frightened off change and like routine etc. I pretend to like holidays but am more pleased to be back home than going away. Same for going out at night etc (although I enjoy it when I'm there).

I feel vulnerable with the thought/reality of 2 DCs. One seems manageable but 2 LOs suddenly seems like not-doable. Things like double buggys (in small place), shopping on own, going round places on own (well with a new baby and a big baby). I don't know how on earth parent of twins cope.

We had been using contraception except for that one night when it just didn't happen. We have talked about going for a 2nd so it all seems fine on the outside to be pg now.

I am planning on telling him at the end of the week, hopefully his enthusiasm will wear off on me. I'm the sort who feels mega nervous before exams, interviews, new jobs etc but always come up with the goods.

You are very self aware, and it's interesting what you said about your parents splitting up - sounds like you are worried about history repeating itself, which is understandable.
No question, it would be a change and a bit chaotic with another little one. I had my 2 a bit closer together than I planned, and it actually worked out very well. Because they are close in age (23months) they are great playmates for each other.
As for work, well unfortunately for them, you can exercise your rights just as if it was your first. I'm sure it happens a lot, but you might feel embarrassment to start with.
Hope you feel better about things soon.