Saying hello

[bezzyk]

Hi

I've been following a couple of threads that were on the 'pregnancy' board, but I was never brave enough to post. I'd like to pass on my deepest condolences to all of those who (like me) have been suffering so much in the past weeks.

Anyway, I now feel brave enough to say 'hello' and to post my story.

I have a little girl who's just turned 2. While I was pregnant with her, I had the routine triple blood tests done, which came back as high risk downs (1 in 85) I went ahead with the amnio, which in itself was a very traumatic experience (not so much the procedure, but the agonising wait involved) anyway, we got the all clear, which was a huge relief.

In January this year, i was delighted to find out that I was pregnant again with our 2nd baby. After the whole amnio episode with my previous pregnancy, we decided to pay and have OSCAR screening privately, to put our minds at ease. That's where everything started to go wrong.

OSCAR test gave me a 1 in 26 chance of carrying a Down's baby. I decided to stay positive as I realised that I still had a 96% chance of having a healthy child. Well, that wasn't to be, and after a (painful) CVS test, I found out a couple of days later that the baby did in fact have Down's syndrome.

We were devastated, as I'm sure all parents are when they receive this kind of news, and shortly afterwards, decided that having this baby wouldn't be the best thing for my family, so we decided to terminate. This was last Monday, the 6th of April.

I've been in pieces ever since. I don't regret doing it, as I believe it was the best thing for us, I'm just so angry and scared for so many reasons.

My biggest concerns are that I NEVER want to have to go through this again, so not sure we could ever think about trying for another baby.

Thanks for reading my rant, just putting my thoughts into words has helped me a little.

Oh Bezzy you poor poor girl to endure all that - Gosh you have endured so much pain and it rips you into pieces and I do think that first week is almost unbearable to get through . I felt in the middle of the pain and sorrow for the whole of the first week.
Maybe wait a few weeks before thinking even about another baby - although I know that is almost impossible to do.
The chances of recurrence are indeed so small you know - although I know that is crazy coming from me.
I think Tree's comments about those early days really helped me deal with the trauma - stay warm, quiet, gentle safe.
I must go and fix dinner for the boys but I feel like crying with connection to you and i feel so pleased that this feels like a safe space for us. Well done poppet -there will be many friends to hold your hand. I promise. It is a dark dark place and you will come out the other side, bruised but whole. Well done for writing and write very soon or whenever you like.
big hugs
BB

Oh Bezzy you poor poor girl to endure all that - Gosh you have endured so much pain and it rips you into pieces and I do think that first week is almost unbearable to get through . I felt in the middle of the pain and sorrow for the whole of the first week.
Maybe wait a few weeks before thinking even about another baby - although I know that is almost impossible to do.
The chances of recurrence are indeed so small you know - although I know that is crazy coming from me.
I think Tree's comments about those early days really helped me deal with the trauma - stay warm, quiet, gentle safe.
I must go and fix dinner for the boys but I feel like crying with connection to you and i feel so pleased that this feels like a safe space for us. Well done poppet -there will be many friends to hold your hand. I promise. It is a dark dark place and you will come out the other side, bruised but whole. Well done for writing and write very soon or whenever you like.
big hugs
BB

Bezzy - am very very sorry and sad to read your story.

If you want to shout out your anger here is a good place to do it.

And maybe getting your fears typed out will make them into smaller easier to handle chunks? It's worth a try.

It's very early days though, so don't rush yourself
x

Oh Bezzy, you poor honey. I can't believe you have even managed to write, is it so soon. But a huge well done for being so brave to share your story. You have my deepest and true sympathies, and I am so sorry for your loss. And it is a real and heartbreaking loss, so it is not surprising you are feeling all sorts of difficult emotion.
Hugs to you, and as Bee said (and has been said before) take it slowly, take it gently, and sleep lots if you can. Difficult with a toddler I know.
You may have read my thread (and this is when I wish I had worked out how to put a proper link) but I have lost 2 babies, (2004, 2009) and have a two and a half yr DD. I live to tell the tale. After my first angel baby, I really suffered, the sadness was so overwhelming I just didn't know what to do. And I didn't know where to turn either. It took 6 months for me to it rock bottom, and then I realised I couldn't go on sobbing every day. But you are here, and we will hold your hand through the dark hours.
I know that I have had times when I just needed to talk, and talk...and talk. So if you feel like it, tell us as much of your story as you like. Things like..did you give birth? do you know the sex of your baby? have you named him/her? There is so much I would ask you if I met you in real life.
I hope you have been given this info already but if not: ARC is a charity who will also support you through this. They have a parents support line where you can phone to chat (cry) and talk about what has happened. You can ask questions too if you have any. There is also a parents email forum, and everyone on it will identify with and have been through what you have gone through. ARC will be there now if you need them, or months/years down the line should you so wish. They have been a great help to me.
As bee said, if you can push thoughts of another baby out of your head, even for a few days, it will help you just to deal with the grief of losing this baby. Having said that, I was asking questions about the next one while my second little angel was wriggling about inside me, which felt SO inappropriate and awful but I had to do it, I had to have hope.
Amnios and CVS are hellish, and the waiting is sheer torture. The things we do to be parents.
Anyway (I promised myself I would have a night off from MN, hey ho!) I am sending you big hugs and take care of yourself. I hope you have got support with the day to day stuff like childcare, and cooking....
Love Lins xx

Bezzyk,

I would like to reiterate all that Busier and Lins have said.

I recently posted after, like you, reading threads for a while and eventually plucking up the courage to write. I gave birth to my beautiful Joseph on 23 March, I was 18+5 weeks and he was diagnosed with DS. Like you, we had made the decision best for our family. That doesn't make the decision any easier though. I have been surprised and shocked at how strong my feelings / emotions have been since that awful day. I feel angry, sad, want to know why this has happened to me. I'm sure you know exactly what I'm saying.

The one thing that has helped is posting on Mumsnet (and I'm also on ARC forum now). I felt so alone before, like I was the only person in the world who was going through this but by posting here I realised I'm not alone. There are some fantastic, kind ladies on this forum (Busier/Lins etc) who have all been through the same as us.

When you are ready reach out and we'll all be here to hold you and help you through the dark hours.

Much love Marj1xx

hi Bezzy - same as justa here. Howare you doing today?

Thanks so much for the warm welcome. It really helps realising that you're not alone out there.

I've signed up to the ARC forum, and I've been working my way through the posts on there, trying to familiarise myself with the format and people there. As you said Lins, they all seem like a lovely lot.

Today was going well, until I got a call from my Dr surgery saying that they'd just received a letter from the fetal medicine unit blah blah blah and how sorry they are blah blah blah, well, of course I wailed to the lovely dr, and I'm now sure she's added 'lunatic' to my notes.

In one sense, it's a bit of a relief, as I thought that word had not got back to my gp and that I was going to have to tell them the gory details. On the other hand I'm a bit cross that I've had no kind of follow up appointment to discuss the test results. Is this normal?

Seems like I'm not happy no matter what anyone does!

Anyway, I'm finding retail the best therapy, have spent FAR too much money on clothes (figured I'd try and see the bright side of not being pregnant) and have been spoiling my daughter rotten.

I'm really feeling for my little girl, I don't know what must be going through her head when she sees mummy crying such a lot. I really try and keep it together for her, but when things catch me by surprise (like the call from the dr) I just can't stop the tears. She's being so good, and really must feel the tension in the air.

Well, that's enough ramblings for one evening, I'm off to my lovely glass of red that's waiting for me.

B x

Oh Bezzy - I so do know. I too have had a day of sobbing and in the end rang ARC and had a good old cry and rant.
Takes time - I hope to speak to you soon on ARC - have posted there recently.
All very very recent for you - that first week was shocking and i was in shock. Traumatised.
Well done for having any kind of sense of humour

With much love
BB xx

Hi Bezzy, just saying hello, and you've made it through another day. Hope you enjoy/enjoyed that glass of red.
Take care, Lins xx

Lins - oh see how we are both still here?
Must be the Friday night glass of...
xx

Hope all ok - hangovers?
Thinking of you bezzyk. x

Hi Bezzy, a little message to say how are you, and that I am thinking of you.
Hope your little girl is distracting you from your sadness. Mine has been a ray of light to me this year (and before obviously, but I've needed it recently.)
Hugs, Lins xx

Hi Lins

I've actually just posted on the other thread (can't remember what it's called, but something about support after termination)

My little girl has been a complete darling, I know exactly what you mean when you realise how lucky we are to have them.

I can't imagine what going through this would be like if I didn't have her.

Bx

Hey Bezzy, just written on that thread too. Sleep well. xx

Hello, so glad to see this new topic started. I was going through all this last month and there was nothing much on Mumsnet and I felt afraid to start a new thread or tag onto another.

I've not changed my name for this as I don't feel ashamed but its nice to have a private corner with women who've been through the same thing. I've only skimmed the threads but wanted to pop on and say hello. I've been on Mumsnet for over 8 years and never thought I would be typing this kind of stuff.

Anyway I had a termination for Downs last month when I was 16+6 weeks (after an amnio). I am 43, 44 in August so the risks were high. I have 3 children 9 1/2, just turned 7 and a 3 1/2 year old. This last pregnancy was an accident although we weren't really taking precautions either. I honestly stupidly didn't think anything would go wrong, I was 2 weeks off turning 40 with my last baby and never had any tests and he was fine. I feel that I was pushing my luck.

I don't need to say that the whole thing was awful. Probably easier for me than some as I do have 3 kids already (part of the whole guilt/anger/grief thing was a self hatred feeling that I was greedy having another one) and I'd been quite negative about the pregnancy. Mainly because I felt physically so awful and not able to look after my kids and I just wasn't sure I would cope. I'd told my mother and she was very negative and nasty about it saying "you are too old, what if there is something wrong, how silly of you to get pregnant etc" Others knew as well as dh told practically everyone after the 12 week scan.

Anyway won't blab on too much. Am panicking as my 2nd period hasn't come yet (had first one after termination end March) and hoping I've not been stupid again!! Not come to a firm decision about whether to try again or not. But time is really against me due to my age. I have my follow up appointment on Weds so feeling quite nervous. I never found out the gender of the baby, it made it easier to cope at the time, I just couldn't give him/her a name, just can't do it... maybe will find out later and do it, anyway crying now, so must stop.

Hello, so glad to see this new topic started. I was going through all this last month and there was nothing much on Mumsnet and I felt afraid to start a new thread or tag onto another.

I've not changed my name for this as I don't feel ashamed but its nice to have a private corner with women who've been through the same thing. I've only skimmed the threads but wanted to pop on and say hello. I've been on Mumsnet for over 8 years and never thought I would be typing this kind of stuff.

Anyway I had a termination for Downs last month when I was 16+6 weeks (after an amnio). I am 43, 44 in August so the risks were high. I have 3 children 9 1/2, just turned 7 and a 3 1/2 year old. This last pregnancy was an accident although we weren't really taking precautions either. I honestly stupidly didn't think anything would go wrong, I was 2 weeks off turning 40 with my last baby and never had any tests and he was fine. I feel that I was pushing my luck.

I don't need to say that the whole thing was awful. Probably easier for me than some as I do have 3 kids already (part of the whole guilt/anger/grief thing was a self hatred feeling that I was greedy having another one) and I'd been quite negative about the pregnancy. Mainly because I felt physically so awful and not able to look after my kids and I just wasn't sure I would cope. I'd told my mother and she was very negative and nasty about it saying "you are too old, what if there is something wrong, how silly of you to get pregnant etc" Others knew as well as dh told practically everyone after the 12 week scan.

Anyway won't blab on too much. Am panicking as my 2nd period hasn't come yet (had first one after termination end March) and hoping I've not been stupid again!! Not come to a firm decision about whether to try again or not. But time is really against me due to my age. I have my follow up appointment on Weds so feeling quite nervous. I never found out the gender of the baby, it made it easier to cope at the time, I just couldn't give him/her a name, just can't do it... maybe will find out later and do it, anyway crying now, so must stop.

Welcome Eulalia, I'm still pretty new around here, but am very familiar with your story, being so similar to my own.

The ladies around here are just so lovely and thoughtful, you can write as little or as often as you want without fear of judgement. I've found it a massive help, as I thought I was cracking up at some point, but had pointed out to me that I was just going through the normal grieving process.

Looking forward to seeing you around here

B x

Thanks bezzy and many condolences to you too.

Hello Eulalia,
glad you have found this little corner that we hide in! I am so sorry for all that you have been though recently. I lost my little Daisy on 15th march, and my first baby on 21st March, back in 2004. So not at all fond of March. It is lovely that you have 3 children already, I have one and find she is a great comfort and distraction! But how ever many you have, a lost child is still so precious.
This thread and associated ones are a good place to share how you are feeling, and if you need support, it's here. If you want to come over to
here
it's a more active thread where we are all hanging out and licking our wounds and howling or joking as appropriate!
I didn't know Mumsnet had been around for 8 yrs! I came on here new when my life starting falling apart back in feb at the 12 week scan...

Bezzy, you aren't cracking up! And if you are, i think we all are! xxx

Hello Eulalia
Welcome to our little haven for the fragile of spirit - well done for writing it all down Eulalia. Is so tough - I too have three children - and have had a terrible six months with babies and loss. My thread was in the pregnancy section - and have in fact had two Downs Syndrome pregnancies.
It is so very shocking isn't it - when you just expect everything to go as it has done before?
And I too am in turmoil as to whether to try again.
So hello to you and cry away - we all do lots of sobbing and heartache but also comforting and kind words too.
sleep well
BB x

Hi Eulalia,

As Busier said welcome to our little haven and I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. We can all understand how you are feeling and what you have / are going through as we've been there ourselves - it's crap isn't it?

I had a termination for downs at 18+5 on 23 March and have been in bits since, we also had my little boy; Joseph's funeral last Thursday so it's been a particularly shit week. You go through so many emotions.

I have found great comfort though by just writing down how I am feeling, I know the other girlies don't judge me as they know exactly where I'm coming from and what I'm going through. I often find it easier to write than speak to friends etc.

Come and join us anytime for a rant or cry, we're here if you need us.

Love Marj xx

Thanks so much for the warm welcome folks!

Yup Mumsnet's been around for awhile, back at the beginning it was a tiny website with just a handful of threads and my eldest was just a baby!

busierbee - how truly awful to go through everything twice, was it just bad luck or was there a genetic reason for it. Sorry, asking you to repeat everything again.

marj1 - you are so brave to have a funeral. I will read your story later otherwise I'll just start sobbing this morning.

seems for a lot of us March is a bad time! mine was 5 March, although trying to forget the date.

can I be nosy and ask how old everyone is, I suspect I am the oldest!?

sorry this is rushed, I hope to take my little one swimming today before my period. Had so much bleeding the last 7 weeks, as I had a period 3 weeks after the termination which lasted for ever.

I'm 32 Eulalia.

I'd take what BB says with a pinch of salt though, she fibs about her age

B x

Hiya,

I'm 39, 40 in November and my daughter is 8 in July.

Enjoy your swimming :>)

Marjxx