Like many couples approaching their 30s, my partner and I are trying to conceive. And like many couples, it’s been emotional. Before I begin, I want to say that I still don’t have answers. I’m writing this in the middle of uncertainty, hopeful, scared, confused, and waiting for more information. I’m not writing this as someone who has answers, but simply as a woman trying to make sense of an experience that has been emotionally overwhelming. If even one other woman reads this and feels a little less alone in the confusion, fear, or heartbreak that can come with trying to conceive, then sharing this will have been worth it.
Five months into trying, I had one positive test during our first cycle which sadly turned negative within a few days. I put it down to a chemical pregnancy , not uncommon, so we continued trying.
Then came cycle five. My period showed no sign of starting, so I did what I thought was the sensible thing and took a test. Instant positive. My heart felt full immediately. There was an instant attachment to the tiny possibility of life growing inside me. But alongside that excitement was doubt. Would this one disappear too?
The following day, I tested again. Negative. The next day? Positive. Confused and unsure what was happening, I contacted my GP. They advised that if I still hadn’t bled within the week, I should have my HCG levels tested. The bleeding never came, but the confusing mix of positive and negative tests continued.
A week later, I returned to the GP for blood tests. That same day, while waiting for the results, I started experiencing pain and bleeding. I was advised to go to A&E, where they began to question whether it could be an ectopic pregnancy. Hormonal, frightened and vulnerable, I was eventually told calmly and sympathetically - You were never pregnant. Your HCG is 2. There’s no ectopic pregnancy. No miscarriage. I went home feeling shaken and confused , grieving something I was now being told had never even happened.
What hurt most was the feeling of being let down by something I thought I could trust. We’re told false positives are rare, yet I had five.
Two days later, back at work, I felt dizzy and unwell. I contacted my GP again and was sent back to A&E. This time they wondered whether an ovarian cyst was causing problems. Ten hours later, at 5:30am, I was told my neutrophils had been raised during my earlier visit before returning to normal two days later, and that it could potentially point towards some kind of hormonal imbalance.
What I cannot fault throughout all of this is the care I received. Yes, I spent more than 15 hours in A&E altogether. But every GP, doctor and nurse treated me with kindness, patience and understanding. I felt listened to. I felt validated.
I have a gynaecology appointment next week, and I have a lot of questions. I’m hopeful for answers, while also trying not to spiral into fear about what this means for me, my partner, and our chances of conceiving in the future.
And physically, I still don’t feel like myself. I’m still dizzy. Still exhausted. My appetite has disappeared, and despite being told what it isn’t, I’m still left wondering what is happening inside my body.
For now, all I can do is wait.