TMFR need help and advise

[appleofmyey]

Has anyone got any advice on how to deal mentally and physically with TMFR? I have mine next Thursday am so drained. Feel so dark and down like it’s never going to be bright in my life again. Can someone run through what happens? Thank you x

I’m so sorry. I had my TFMR just over a year ago. I spent the next month devastated and gave myself time to cry and heal. It definitely helped. What got me through it is knowing how bad his (and mines) quality of life would have been if we hadn’t done it. Sending hugs

Thank you ❤️

are you ready and healed enough to go through it with me? They did say a tablet them go in two days later. But what was labouring like? The whole thing? The bleeding after? Just everything and anything you can tell me will help xxx

How many weeks are you? That will make a big difference. Medical or surgical tmfr?
I had a surgical tmfr in December 2024. Physically I recovered quickly but mentally I struggled.

I will be just under 20 weeks. They won’t give me surgical, so medical. Xxxx

Sorry to hear that @Fourlittlepiggieshow are you doing now?

am not coping very well, so envious of everyone around me and that pregnancy, all the upcoming events I planned to be pregnant at or have a baby, just so much thoughts going around am so angry xxx

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I'd TTC 4yrs before finally getting pregnant. Unfortunately the baby had trisomy 13, patau syndrome, so I chose TFMR. I'd paid for the NIPT early, so had the procedure at 12 weeks. I was also told I'd need medical management. Obviously follow the medical staff advice, but here are some things I wish I'd known at the time.

-Go to the loo before they put the tablets inside. They should have massive pads you can put on (like a nappy) otherwise use the largest maternity pads you can find
-I laid down for about 1hr, then started getting cramps so walked around and moved.
-The pills will commonly cause diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting and a high fever. My face looked like a beetroot and I was burning up. These are not allergic reactions, just common side effects. Ask for paracetamol and pain relief before it gets bad. It didn't last too long, but did feel awful at the time
-When you use to loo, you might see a whole tablet come out or a white/grey/pink paste when wiping. They will still work so don't worry.
-Being only 12 weeks, I never considered that I'd have waters break. I realise that sounds silly, but had just never thought about it so wasn't expecting it
-The might take hand/foot prints for you to keep. You will likely also get time with your baby. Some hospitals offer a special, cool crib to take babies home, but you'd have to ask if that was an option if you wanted to do that.

-I was kept overnight on a gynae ward. Sorry if TMI. The following day I met with a genetic counsellor and also someone asking what I'd want them to do with the baby after the autopsy. I was told I could pay to have a private funeral take the baby home or he'd be part of a group cremation with his ashes scattered in the Garden of Angels section. This was the first time I broke down because I hadn't even thought about funerals etc. DH and I hadn't discussed it so its something to keep in mind.
-DH and I were given karyotyping blood tests a few weeks later to check it wasn't a translocation
-Depending on your babies condition, there might be a facebook group you could link in with

Remember OP that this isn't your fault and you aren't alone. If you have any questions, I'm more than happy to answer. Or PM me if you prefer xxx

So sorry you are going through this. Arc-UK are very good for info and support.

Mine was a few years ago. I had to go in a couple of days beforehand for the first meds. Then on the day I attended the labour ward but had a room in a separate area. I think I got other meds, then had to lie up. There was a television. Things happened quickly, it wasn't like labour (unsure if you have had other pregnancies). I was lying on my side and my water broke, I felt something, basically my baby had passed into my vagina. My partner got the midwife who delivered the baby and my placenta. They took him next door to clean him and swaddle him then brought him in for us to see (we were offered a choice). We chose to hold him and spend time with him, to have photos and hand and footprints.
I have never looked at the photos etc but it is good to know we have them.
They offered to have a chaplain come and make a blessing. We did this even though not very religious, it was comforting. We left some things with the baby - pictures of his sisters and me and DP, and a little toy my Mum made. He was cremated with these.
We stayed til evening. There was no rush. Leaving him was very hard. A local funeral director collected him and arranged everything for us. We had a private funeral and cremation (just me and DP and one other family member). There was no charge for anything.

Be kind to yourself. You will get through this.

p.s. I was 19 weeks and had already had children, which might have made it more straightforward.

Me again.
I remember that feeling of darkness, like I would never be happy again. But I am happy again, and I can think of my baby with some pain and sadness, that is not overwhelming.
I would advise you to lean into the grief, that is accept you will be sad and devastated. That is normal. Cry your eyes out whenever you need to, and avoid things that make it too bad. I found it hard to be around other babies and pregnant women for a long time. I stopped watching Call the Midwife etc. I asked at work that I get taken off mailing lists for baby photos and pregnancy collections etc, I muted a lot of social media.
Naming our baby helped too.

I felt angry and sad too. I didn’t tell anyone apart from DH so feeling like everyone else was behaving normally/ DH wasn’t hugely sensitive after the procedure was done, was difficult.

Is this your first baby/ are you planning to ttc again? If it’s a comfort, after genetic testing we went on to have a baby relatively quickly - dd is 4 months old now.

OP I think a TFMR is one of the most selfless things you can do as a mother. You choose to take all their potential pain and struggles and make it your own. You will carry your babies pain for the rest of your life instead, so that they only know your heartbeat and warmth. They have never been cold, never been hungry and only known warmth.

if you haven’t been signposted to ARC please use them. I have just rang up and cried down the phone: https://www.arc-uk.org

It’s very normal to feel angry, and annoyed. I was so jealous of pregnant people. I will be honest it never really left me and even though I’m pregnant again I still annoyed at the medical professionals/ life. It does get better over time but the first year are rough. Due dates and anniversaries are awful. Give yourself some grace.

I’ve just been through this end of January :((
I remember the days leading up to it and I had that same feeling that I would never come out of that dark place but it does get easier.
the first 2 weeks were very hard, hormones all over the place so make sure you have a lot of support around you.
I chose a hospital cremation as my options were not explained well enough to me at the time but I later changed my mind last minute and did a funeral which is free.
i felt so much better that I had given them acknowledgment and a goodbye.
Spend some time with them after birth as their body’s start to change over a few days.
I promise you it doesn’t get easier and things will start to look bright again ☀️ ❤️