Does my head need a wobble?

[IsThisReallyCrazy]

I'm posting here because I think people here are most likely to understand. I hope so. I lost a pregnancy at 23 weeks, compassionate induction of labour due to a genetic condition our little boy had zero chance of surviving.

I'm since pregnant, this time with a little girl who thankfully seems healthy.

Since falling pregnant, I keep having these recurring thoughts. I have a great counsellor that I can go to, but something is stopping me. I feel like these thoughts are almost ridiculous but I can't stop thinking them.

Honestly, with my last pregnancy I wanted a girl. We found out he was a boy when the abnormalities were discovered. Did God take away my boy to give me the girl I wanted?

I hope DH and I will have a long marriage - does the universe keep giving us trauma to bond us together?

I hated pregnancy (DS' condition gave me HG and I was really unwell) so is a relatively smooth pregnancy some sort of karma?

I've never thought of God as someone/something that has direct involvement in people's lives (free will and all that) but now I'm questioning it. I've never believed in luck or fate, or superstition, but now I notice single magpies everywhere.

Am I being nuts? Can someone give my head a wobble please.

You've asked 4 questions and the answer to all of them is No!

You're in a state of anxiety because of the awful experience you had with your last pregnancy, That’s perfectly natural, but you know really that the weird thoughts you’re having are completely irrational.

Stop looking for magpies and try spotting ginger cats instead!

You feel guilt, it’s common with grief. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your wrong thinking didn’t cause your son to have that genetic condition, it’s genetic so that condition would have started developing as the DNA formed. So before you knew you were pregnant and could wish for a girl or an easier pregnancy, that condition was already there. You did nothing wrong. You can enjoy this pregnancy but it’s also natural to feel a lot of trepidation too and looks for meaning (and hope) in symbols. Go see the counsellor and work through these feelings with a professional though.