How did it go so wrong? Advice? Answers?

[Lemoncake5]

I want to just share my story and maybe this will help someone some day. Firstly i havent slept in the last few days due to anxiety so please excuse any errors as its currently 3.30 am.
let give some back story i am currently 32 and my dh is 38.
after two years of marriage we decided to try for our first and we were successful on our first attempt but i ended up having a natural miscarriage around 8 weeks. After lack of periods and random periods i became pregnant with our DS 8 months later. It was a very smooth pregnancy and he was born healthy at 38+2. this was in 2015. Fast foward to 2018 we started trying and nothing happened for a year and a half but i was given clomid for 6 months and that didnt work. Then we went private. I was told i had PCOS and ivf would be the best route. So i did egg retrieval number 1 to only get 2 embryos. I did a fresh cycle which didnt work and then a frozen cycle which didnt work. My consultant believed i had an auto immune issue and changed my protocol because he believed my body was attacking the embryo. I then did a second egg retrival which resulted in 4 embryos. We did a fresh cycle and i became pregnant in February of this year. Now this pregnancy was filled with anxiety and stress. I bled gush of blood twice and each time i went for a scan baby was fine but i had subchrionic hematomas.
when i had my nhs scan at 12 weeks i was told abnormalities were seen such as odd cyst in stomach/ waist down legs werent seen etc. it wa a terrible and cold experience.
i had a private scan a couple of days later to see a baby jumping around feet with toes.
i was referred to foetal medicene dept and seen at 14 weeks which also said still too small come back in 17 weeks which made my heart sink as she said it doesnt look like normal development. I held on to hope. When i went to my 17 week scan my world came crashing down to be told i hd an abnormally large placenta and i could see the baby squashed in to a corner. There was no amniotic fluid and kidneys/ bladder could not be seen. We requested to see other specialists and left the hospital in shock and i was a complete emotional wreck. We were told this pregnancy isnt viable as its too early to do anything and if we continue I could suffer severe health complications or worse and baby would not even live outside the womb without development of lungs. I feel like so many things went wrong. I had a private scan yesterday just to get closure and the sonography was also a genetic councillor and who was so patient with me. But it hurt i could see baby all squashed in a corner, no fluid not able to freely move. Fast foward to today and i am awaiting my induction on thursday where il be 18 weeks. I contacted my clinic who were shocked and my consultant believes this is a chromosomal issue and not genetic as we have a healthy 6 year old. I am scared about my other 3 frozen embryos but iv been told these issues ive come across in this pregnancy are most likely chromosomal. I have opted for a post mortem to get some solid answers. So here i am shocked and emotional. I am so lucky to have a family support system and a wonderful husband. We want to try naturally for a few months and then look in to a frozen transfer in 3/4 months time.
In the meantime we want to go on holiday and just reset. i have so many questions and if only this or if it could've just become a natural miscarriage earlier on without me having seen the baby at so many scans. Im sorry for rambling on but i just felt how can any of this be fair. I just wish i could look in to the future and see myself with at least one more child. Im a secondary school teacher and hope to return to work after two weeks but i will iwll take my time to physically and emotionally heal.

@Lemoncake5 I'm glad this part is over for you. I hope you got home ok.

I didn’t want to read and run.

I can totally relate to what you’re going through having gone through this all myself almost 3 weeks ago. Mine didn’t seem to be as fast as yours though so I’m glad you didn’t struggle as much as u did.
I hope you’re ok, get yourself home and take care of yourself xx

Thank you for your kind words. It was strange today just walking out of the hospital. We drove past our local area and the world didn’t stop, of course it didn't. It just felt like that for me. The neighbour is still continuing with his gardening and the lady across has almost finished her painting project. So no, no one stopped it just felt like that to me being confined in a room for two days. I came home had a shower and changed and now im just in bed. This type of weather is the kind I make the most of but i want to just lay in my bed. We were told we would get the post mortem report in 2 weeks and this would be followed by a more in depth one in 8 months. All we need to know is if it was chromosomal or genetic issues. My bleeding isn’t a lot just glad I'm not dealing with stitches. My stomach is bloated even though for the past two weeks my stomach looked smaller each day due to no amniotic fluid. I still see my sweet boys face when i close my eyes he was just perfect and I've left him in the hospital by himself. I know deep down it will get easier but will it? Each month will be consumed with ttc naturally and if not back to ivf so how can these constant reminders make it any easier? I really do hope one day i can come back and share my happy ending with everyone. I will never forget him he will always be a part of me forever. I can’t fault the midwives and nurses they went above and beyond. Im due back at work 4th july and we break up on the 20th. Husband wants to fly out for our holiday on the 21st. At one point i thought forget the holiday but realised if we dont go this will be a constant cycle of hope and loss and thats very unhealthy. I began treatment 1 year ago and its been non stop since then with two failed transfers and two retrievals and then this. It was strange as i was walking out the hospital thinking do these people even have a clue what iv been through…. No of course not.

@Lemoncake5 The day I left the hospital was a real low point for me. The sun was shining. It had been grey and raining until the day Kara was born and then we had sun every day for weeks afterwards, it was like she'd brought it with her. Like you I got home and got into bed, I vaguely remember my mum coming in because she'd brought our dog back. Then I ended up having to get out the house and I walked for about an hour because if I didn't walk I'd have got back in my car and went back to the hospital and back to Kara.
It does get easier. I'm 13 weeks on and the pain is less intense, although I have days, like today, where I just feel sad and cry lots.
Going back to IVF so soon has been hard but I felt that trying naturally and failing every month would crush me more. But hold onto that it does get easier. There are days where I feel hopeful again and I feel happiness.
I hope your holiday and the change of scenary helps.

My DS spent the past few days at my moms house and his dad brought him home earlier. I hugged and kissed him but i couldn't get
myself to talk to him. I see the baby i lost in him. When i saw his sweet face yesterday i told my
husband he looks just like his older brother , the facial features were prominent. Im scared of falling in to depression. I’m bleeding, my
boobs are sore, im cramping. My husband said September is not far to do a frozen transfer but i feel like ive lost so much time. Scared it wont work or if it does il lose the baby again at some point. Ive had highs and lows the past few days but I’m scared il give in to the lows. Were going to start trying naturally once the bleeding stops and see if we conceive a miracle before september.

This part is incredibly hard. Your body has no idea why there's no baby. I thought I was going mad. I made myself get up and showered and dressed every day. My milk came in despite the medication and that was difficult.
But please hold onto that it will get better, the hormones will settle. The bleeding will stop.
I saw Kara in my husband and it was bittersweet. It now gives me some comfort and I hope it eventually does for you as well.

I cant believe how fast time is going. I cant believe how we were told everything last week and we made the decision and within that week ive given birth and im no longer pregnant. I know time heals its just the initial shock. But i cant escape from the thought of ttc/ baby when im still wanting to try asap and go back to ivf in a couple of months time when i know the protocol worked. I just hope with initial findings in 2 weeks time were told it was just ‘bad luck’ in other words sorry youre that 1 in so and so in terms of statistics. Its finding that motivation in getting up and facing the day. My husband goes back to work next week and I’m dreading him not being there. I haven’t even slept these past two days. The room was hot and stuffy and midwives would come in every so often to check blood pressure and temp. But im in my own bed and already feeling tired.my husband keeps saying to just focus on my health and recovery and says i need to bit in the best shape possible to concieve again and i know he does it as a form of encouragement but i suppose it does work sometimes.

@Lemoncake5
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I just wanted to suggest that when you try again, that you have future embryos sent for pgt before freezing. They should really recommend that for you now. I just had a successful frozen transfer, but we only ended up with two euploid embryos after seven egg retrievals and probably 25-30 eggs tested. I'm 41 mind, but they suggested we go this route because of the risk and subsequent emotional devestation, and after going through what you have I'd really strongly encourage you to just get them all screened if you can so you don't have to go through this again. ❤️

my clinic need the post mortem results first. They’ve said if its chromosomal then all the other embryos wont have issues but if anything genetic is in w results then they’ll test them. My hospital consultant said most likely just bad luck and my ivf clinic consultant said if we have a healthy living child it wont be genetic. But at this moment i just want to wait for the post mortem results. I cant believe you went through so many egg retrievals. You are so strong. I hope i can have another miracle before a transfer again.

What you are feeling is normal, I felt the same. I felt like the world was ending and I was drowning in sorrow.
we had our babies funeral and I think that gave me some kind of closure, but it doesn’t take away the pain, I still cry most days, I miss my girl so much and I think it’s normal.
we haven’t had the results from the post mortem back yet, but we have decided that we want to try again & have been focused on that since I got a negative pregnancy test after 2 weeks.
I’m now 3 weeks post tfmr and I’m trying to track ovulation, but nothing so far, my stomach was really bloated for a bit but seems to have calmed down now, the intense bleeding fully stopped after 1 week but I had spotting for about another week.
I think you will feel the way you do for a long time, but I do think a holiday will do you the world of good, some time to get away and exhale 🤍
the trauma won’t leave you, but know that you are not alone in this, xx

Honestly reading about women having gone through the same or similar experiences really makes a difference. I couldn’t get out of bed today until my husband opened the door and 2 midwives came to check up on me. They were lovely but again A part of me wants this all to go away but a part of me just doesn’t want to forget my little boy. Im thinking if i do get pregnant it will be a terrible anxious time to get to 20 weeks at least to be told all looks fine in the scan. My bleeding is okay im not finding it a lot or hard to manage. There are no clots its just red watery. I remember it was similar to when i had my son and i stopped around 2 weeks after. My stomach is also bloated . I feel my body is always good at bouncing back. I just thought we finally made it with a year of ivf treatment. I pray were told it was just ‘bad luck’ and we will be okay to resume with a transfer. Were so lucky to have paid for a multi cycle package which now considering what has happened has saved us a lot of money as well. I will take a test once my bleeding stops. Just to have that baseline and know we will try again from the start. September seems so far away and not so far away at the same time. Luckily a transfer is a quick process compared to the retrieval prior. My husband wants to book the flights today and now im having second thoughts but i know if i dont do it il be stuck in this constant cycle. I know i will get better and there will be a happy ending.

Yes it truly does help to know you’re not alone and that other ladies have endured this horrific trauma too. Ofcourse in an ideal world I wish none of us had to lose our beloved babies, but unfortunately it’s the card we’ve all been dealt. It does comfort me a bit knowing it’s not just me because for a while I felt like I had been picked on, like I had been chosen for this and it felt so unfair.
My bleeding wasn’t bad either it was just annoying though as I thought it was over but then kept restarting.
I was getting positive tests for a while, very faint lines and it was was frustrating as hell, as I guess my hormone levels were still up a bit. Getting that negative really made me feel better, as much as I don’t want to forget my girl, I don’t want to keep being reminded of what I’ve lost. It’s really a mind f*ck excuse my language.

I hope you’re ok, and I’m here anytime you need me, it will get better, you will still cry and feel hurt and that’s also ok! Xx

@NSx is right, it goes get easier. Do whatever feels right for you. Some days nothing will quite feel right and that's ok as well.

Thank you for your comforting words. Its strange how one minute im fine and the next im not. For the most part of the evening ive been completely fine. The husband kept me distracted planning our holiday and it did work. If there is anything positive to come from this is i genuinely didnt think i could love my dh and ds more. Dh has been so positive and i need to ensure i remain healthy for the next pregnancy. I dont know why i put this pressure on myself since day 1 like im too old and i need to have a baby asap. Or could it be the worry of the age gap between baby and ds. Im a private person in general and already worried if anyone makes a comment in future to do with having another baby. I wont be able to mention this without crying.