Sensitive subject: types of TFMR

[missmarie85]

After combined screening, NIPT and now CVS brought bad news, I am now facing the unbearable agony of a TFMR. I will be around 15 weeks pregnant when it happens. I have been offered medical or surgical, and I don't know how to even begin to choose. Is there anyone out there who's made this heart-rending decision at a similar stage of pregnancy and can tell me how on earth they worked out which option to take? The genetic counsellor made it sound like it's just a difference between being awake or asleep, but it feels like so much more than that. I don't know how to make this decision. I don't want either of them; I just want my baby.

Really feel for you @missmarie85 and I totally get that you just want your baby.

I've had two PGs end in similar circumstances but was only offered surgical, probably because the last one was about 15 years ago.

Have they told you what the risks are with both procedures? That might help you decide. What does your DH think?

The medical may be less emotionally difficult. It might not help, but I had a surgically managed mc at just a little less, and 2 other natural mc. The medically managed takes away some of the physical side, but it does have to be what you can cope with potentially seeing. I hope that isn’t too blunt, and heart really goes out to you. As I say, I have lost 3 babies, and I have a dd with a very rare condition where a tfmr was offered, so I understand a little of how you must feel. Be as gentle with yourself as possible. Much love x

So sorry for what you're going through. I wasn't offered a choice when I had to have a tfmr, only medical so I can tell you what that was like. I think it depends on whether you want to see your baby after delivery as I believe you can't with a surgical. I wasn't sure if I would be strong enough to but we did in the end and I'm so glad we did. The whole procedure was not as traumatic as I imagined and I believe there is less risks involved than surgical

I'm 6 weeks on now and still think about her 24/7 but you just have to remember that we choose to suffer so that they don't have to. Thinking of you xx

First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had a tfmr at a similar gestation 3 years ago and it’s such an awful thing to go through. I’d recommend ringing the tfmr charity helpline ARC if you can manage it, the ladies there have experience of tfmr and were a lifeline for me when I went through mine, I’ll put the link below.

www.arc-uk.org/for-parents/break-the-silence-around-tfmr

I decided to go for a medical tfmr and there is definitely more to it than being awake or asleep, I’m shocked your genetic counsellor says that! The medical tfmr is essentially being induced and labouring to birth your baby. I was in hospital with a specialist bereavement midwife who supported and guided me through the whole process. It was painful and emotional but for me, it was important to see my baby and hold her afterwards. As terrible as that day was, I’m glad I have the memory of holding my child, it’s seems strange but it was a beautiful moment for me. My hospital trust also organised a cremation for her so that I was able to keep my baby’s ashes. I’m not sure what happens with the baby after a surgical so it might be worth asking more questions and talking the options through with someone.

Thinking of you x

I had a surgical around 13-14 weeks. I would not have personally gone through the medical route. It was an easy choice for me as I couldn’t face the emotion of having to give birth. It was a quick operation, stayed over night - went in first thing and it was a speedy recovery. The staff at the hospital were brilliant and I don’t have any regrets about not seeing the baby, I think it really depends on you personally as to whether you need that aspect process the loss.

It’s around a year later and not something I think of often but I’m not one to dwell. I am 8 months pregnant now and all is good.

@LittleLottieChaos

I had a surgical around 13-14 weeks. I would not have personally gone through the medical route. It was an easy choice for me as I couldn’t face the emotion of having to give birth. It was a quick operation, stayed over night - went in first thing and it was a speedy recovery. The staff at the hospital were brilliant and I don’t have any regrets about not seeing the baby, I think it really depends on you personally as to whether you need that aspect process the loss.

It’s around a year later and not something I think of often but I’m not one to dwell. I am 8 months pregnant now and all is good.

Couldnt have put it better myself.

I hope whatever route you take is right for you. Best of luck. I drank a whole bottle of champagne and ate a dominoes takeaway afterwards (not in celebration more commiseration!) make sure you do what you need to make it through the 24 hrs!

I've had 2 medical at 13 weeks because it was too risky for me to have surgical- you don't have to see the baby you just call the midwives once you bleed into the pan and they check so you don't have to -in and out same day if all goes according to plan!

Sorry you are going through this, sending my thoughts to you.
At 13.5 weeks I had no choice, was told it had to be a medical. May have opted for that over surgery because I was scared of surgery. Ended up having to have surgery anyway because placenta would not come away. It's up to you, I think for me it was about weighing up risk of surgery with the risk of medical. Being I wanted a baby after this I thought the smallest risk of doing something to my womb wasn't worth it. As it was I ended up with the op anyway and a perfectly healthy womb.

The medical route is also very traumatic so that's something to take into account too. Much love X

@MummyBearBoo I'm sorry you went through that, I too chose not to see the baby, and whilst it made it less traumatic, it still did not feel like the simple procedure you described. I mean, I felt the baby pass and found it very very distressing.

I had a tfmr on the 22nd October at 24wks exactly as my baby ds had hypoplastic left heart syndrome and ventriculomegaly and there was nothing that could be done for his heart. I had him on the 24th of October. The ending of the pregnancy was done by the same process as an amniocentesis and labour was brought on by tablets (mifepristone). I held him after he was born as did my oh and we told him we loved him very much as did his big brother and that we would always look for his star in the sky at night time. I wish you all the love and support in the world no matter what you decide missmarie85

@Opalfeet - didn't want to scare anyone do they can be it straight forward -neither of mine were I ended up getting admitted both times needing an operations both times and blood transfusions -the second time I almost bled out they prepped me for emergency surgery as they couldn't stop the bleeding but thankfully they managed to slow it enough so I could wait til I was properly prepped -I'm not supposed to have GA due to a genetic cot!
This is not usual the same genetic condition causes excessive bleeding -my first one I had a really rare complication afterwards where my veins and artery serving the womb fuse together so the artery was just bleeding into my womb I had to have an embolisation the stop this-this is extremely rare I have had a successful pregnancy since these though!!

Aaah sorry @MummyBearBoo i see where you are coming from. For me I didn't know what to expect, I didn't realise I'd be sat there all day waiting and niavely took my partner and had my son looked after believing it would happen and we would go home. That was not what happened unfortunately and it all happened when he wasnt there.

@Opalfeet sorry it must suck not being able to have your partner there (when I had my latest baby it was lockdown and I had to stay in 3 days after-he could only come for 1 hour a day no one else could see me and though he was allowed in while I was in labour he had to leave when I was to go back on the ward!)
My TFMRs were pre-covid but yes we had a lot of waiting around the first time it got started fairly quickly but I had to have 4 lots of the tablet and it took ages but came out all together in the sack they said -the placenta got stuck in my cervix the second time!

@MummyBearBoo. I've also had a child since my tfmr, shortly before first lockdown. My partner wasn't there during tfmr not because of covid, but because he had to look after our son.

I hope you are alright op, and able to make a decision about what you want. It was a dark time, but I'm out the other side. You will be too one day.