TFMR - Advice needed

[RunnerGirl123]

Hi. Heartbreaking topic I know, but my partner and I have decided to have a termination for medical reasons as our baby has 0% chance if survival if born and we'll most likely miscarry before term anyway. Please, no judgement, it's the hardest decision we've ever had to make and if there was anything the doctors could do, then we would try it.

Has anyone had a medical TFMR during lockdown / coronations? Was your partner allowed in with you during the labour? I don't know if I can do it on my own.

Also what did you pack for the hospital and how long were you in for? I know I'll need maternity pads and comfy clothes but my mind is drawing a blank on everything else.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

What a heartbreaking situation for you. I am so sorry.
At the moment every hospital is making their own rules about who can be with you & when. You will need to ask them. Have you got a contact person at the hospital such as a fetal medicine or bereavement specialist midwife?
I have been involved in this type of support for families for several years & would be willing to answer any specific questions if you want to PM me.
You’ll need to take a basic overnight bag and something to do to pass the time in the early stages (eg pointless magazines etc as you won’t be able to concentrate much) Think about whether there are things you want for your baby - a special blanket for example. If you want a toy, family photos or a letter to your baby to stay with him/her that is completely ok.
Have you had contact with SANDS? They have lots of really good information available, which will give you some points to think about regarding managing the experience of the birth and afterwards.
Sending love x

Thanks for your reply @sussexmidwife. Yeah, I thought it would be a case of asking the hospital regarding my partner. The FMU that has been looking after us has referred us to our local hospital and we were supposed to have a call yesterday to discuss next steps but they didn't ring, so I've been unable to ask questions. There isn't any guidelines about partners being present for late miscarriage/TFMR so it's just an unknown that is playing on my mind i guess.
Thank you for your support, I will check out SANDS and see what information there is.

Hi @RunnerGirl123 I’m so sorry you find yourself here - I was in a similar situation only 3 weeks ago. Luckily my husband was allowed to be with me throughout, I had a medical management. I do think due to the circumstances of your situation that covid rules have been relaxed and your partner will definitely be allowed to stay with you. There was no debate when we arrived together and they were really supportive and empathic to our situation.

I was made nil by mouth on arrival so try if you can to eat something light before you go - I know that’s ridiculous and the last thing on your mind.

I took an overnight bag for just Incase, comfy clothes, Pjs, slippers for pottering around our room, plenty of pads and some bits that I wanted to leave with our little boy. I was admitted at 9am, delivered at 5.25pm and was being discharged by 7.30pm that same day.

I totally agree with @Sussexmidwife contact SANDS they are really fabulous. The kindest and most caring people you never wish to meet. Hope all goes okay - take care xxxx

Thanks for the reply @Redhead43. I'm so sorry you've been through this too. How are you feeling now?

Thanks for your advice on what to take in the bag, I'm so glad your husband was able to be with you. When we made the decision, I just assumed he'd be allowed but then I started thinking about covid restrictions and I just got so worried!

I looked up the information on the SANDS website, and it has some really uaeful information but I just felt a bit overwhelmed today. I will definitely look again when I feel ready, and recommend it to my partner.

@RunnerGirl123 I’m sure he’ll be allowed to be with you. I know there are a lot of restrictions in hospitals but there is a lot of common sense too - the staff know it’s not something that you do alone.

Each day is different, each hour is different if I’m being honest I occasionally feel really strong and other times don’t even want to get out of bed. But I’ve decided I’m okay with that. I have to say the day our little boy was born I felt a kind of relief....I know that sounds really strange but after all the waiting and tests I was glad to not be waiting anymore. He was finally resting and I could start to grieve. When you’re ready The ARC Forum is another good place to be x

❤️❤️ nobody will judge you, nobody could think you are doing anything but the best for your baby. I had a surgical termination at 14 weeks on March 13th. I went in on my own because it had to be put to sleep. My baby girl had Edwards syndrome so no chance at all at living. I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Nobody would judge you 💐
I have a different experience, but I had an ectopic 2 weeks ago and they let my husband in once I had come round from the anaesthetic from surgery.
I cant imagine they wouldn't let your partner be with you.

I wish you all the best. Be kind to yourself
💐💜

Thank you both, for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear both of your stories. I've previously had 2 early miscarriages so I know it doesn't matter at what stage you lose your little one, or the circumstances behind the loss, it is so heartbreaking. I hope you've both been well supported

Sorry you are going through this OP. I had a TFMR for T13 (patau syndrome) a few years ago, so not during covid. Are you have a surgical or medical procedure? How far along are you?

I'd ask the staff if they have the extra large pads on the ward. I had medical management and their giant pads were far better than the smaller, maternity pads I took with me. Also take a spare pair of trousers or PJ's. Dont be afraid to ask for analgesia early on.

Best of luck and feel free to ask any questions xxx

Thank you @Elouera. I'm 19 weeks and opting for a medical termination so they can perform a post mortem afterwards. I will ask about the big pads, still no phonecall at the moment.

I'm sorry you've been through similar before, it's so kind of you to give me advice, I really appreciate it.

@RunnerGirl123. Sorry if TMI, but here are some things I'd never considered, been told or thought of:

• The tablets they give you commonly cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea and a high fever. My face went beetroot red and I was burning up. Its not an allergic reaction, just a common side effect. Paracetamol helped bring down the fever though, and the symptoms don't last too long.
• Ask for analgesia early on, because a tablet can take an hour to work
• Before they insert the internal tablets, go to the loo. After insertion, try to stay lying in bed for at least an hour (they might advise otherwise)
• You might see a whole tablet come out, or a white/pink paste when wiping. It will still work though.
• I was only 11 weeks, but naively wasn't expecting waters to break. I only assumed this occurred much later in a pregnancy, so it was a complete shock and wish I'd had a gigantic pad on and 2nd pair of PJ's!
• I wasn't expecting to be asked what we wanted to do with the foetus. Depending on the trust, you might have the option of paying for a private funeral, having a group cremation or being able to bring it home.
• Depending on the condition, you and your partner might be offered genetic blood tests yourselves to check if it was a translocation and the likelihood of it occurring again.

Sorry once again, but feel free to ask me anything