TMFR tomorrow

[welshmercury]

I just want somewhere safe to pour my broken heart out. Had CVS and is T21 plus other issues and not growing properly. I’m 18+5

Had the tablet on Saturday and am now spending last night at home pregnant even though baby has probably now passed. I never felt any movements and I knew right from the start that this unplanned miracle was not going to work out. I’m 41 and have 11 yo DS. I also have a severely disabled step brother who requires 24/7 care so my DS could possibly end up with elderly parents and a disabled sibling to look after. Hubby is also against bringing someone who will suffer into the world. But has not pressured me. I lived in my bubble of denial before slowly accepting it is not to be.

I’m worried about the whole birth experience and empty arms afterwards. When we went in on Saturday we were in the bereavement suite which is right next to the labour ward and should have better soundproofing as I heard a lady in labour and then the gorgeous first cries of newborn and my heart split again into a million pieces.

This whole drama is not helped with corona. I’ve been lucky and hubby allowed in for antenatal tests and with me for this process.

I need to pack my hospital bag which is breaking me and bringing back memories of how many times I packed and repacked it the first time round with newborn onesies. Our little DS was so bloody long that he went straight into 0-3!

We have to take food for hubby as once in he has to stay in but the hospital will feed the patient but not partners even though he can’t leave. Not that there is anywhere to get food due to lockdown. So he has porridge pots and pot noodles as there is a kettle.

We have to send DS to elderly grandparents as no way to look after him locally and a neighbour is coming in to feed the cat. I have scrubbed my downstairs today and banned boys from using downstairs loo as it is corona free now it has so much bleach in it. Not that anyone has symptoms as if anyone wakes up tomorrow with a cough I don’t know what will happen.

I’m so sad. Hubby says we can try again. I was asking for years and he said no. So last year aged 40 I made my peace with it as I could have left and found someone else who wanted kids but no guarantees.

So we got a kitten. She became my baby though she is now moving into her stroppy teens as she nears first birthday. Then this miracle happens. I don’t believe in God but if there is one then this is bloody cruel.

Anyway. I let son pack his own case so I better go check as it is 10:30pm and last time I let him pack his own he packed monopoly, connect 4, battleships and some pants.

I need to pack and go to sleep as tomorrow my little butterfly 🦋 will get his wings.

Thanks for reading x

OP, this is heartbreaking. I’m so so sorry for you. Life can be so cruel at times.

Wishing you strength for tomorrow.

You poor darling. This is so so sad. My heart goes out to you.

Sending you love and support for tonight and tomorrow. I know it's hard but try to rest a bit if you can.

I’m so sorry OP.

I lost a baby last year under different circumstances but I gave birth to my full term sleeping baby and never got it hear her cry or see her open her eyes. Those days are a bit of a blur now but I treasure the me memories of my baby girl. I don’t know whether I’ll get to have more children (she was my first) but none of us know what the future holds.

Stay strong

I’m so sorry @welshmercury, what you’re going through is totally heartbreaking 💔 I am thinking of you and know you’ll somehow find the strength to get through the coming days, weeks, months but it is something no parent should ever have to go through. Life can be so cruel. Sending you lots of love xxx

@BunnytheHoneyBee - so very sad to hear of the loss of your daughter 😢 Sending you lots of love too xxx

Thank you @jmm499

Thinking of you today OP

So sorry you’re going through this. I was going to have the tablets but as I was 13 weeks I decided a surgical was my best option. You are further along and I feel like it will be much harder than what I went through. You’ll cry a lot and you’ll be heartbroken, it’s just a really crap situation and you’ll need lots and lots of Support. For me I made sure everything was my decision, I took control because then I could say nobody pushed me or influenced me in anyway. I didn’t want to look back and feel anymore helpless (if you know what I mean)
I’m a month on now and i still cry and I’m on and Edwards support group on Facebook with upsets me as much as helps me to be honest. I see pictures of babies born with Edwards, little girls and I imagine that’s what my Millie would look like.

Talking to ladies on here has given me so much strength.

❤️❤️❤️ thinking of you today

Good luck @welshmercury. I'm so sorry to read your story. There are some similarities with mine. I am also 42 and recently lost a baby to T9 [super rare not to miscarry apparently]. I had my surgical TFMR last month at just over 16 weeks. It was my partners first baby and we know it was a boy too. Heartbreaking. I have 2 girls from a previous relationship. We were delighted when we fell pregnant straight away [at my age!] and the whole build up has been exciting for all. We had just told everyone our good news when things went very wrong for us. Suddenly there were heart defects, fluid on the brain and kidney issues. Finally we had the CVS to confirm in the second set of results it was T9. I have also lost a baby at 18.5 weeks for T13. 50% of my pregnancies ended in terminations in the second trimester. Frightening.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that several weeks later I am feeling fine and feeling positive. We are definitely trying again and I am even looking forward to it, something I didn’t expect I’d feel a few weeks ago. I have been out exercising, taking high strength its including COQ10 for egg health [apparently] and mentally I am ok. I think going through it before has helped me heal quicker this time although my poor partner is still quite sad :(

Best of luck today. Big deep breaths, allow yourself to cry a lot and then make a plan to make yourself feel better, health, fitness, you time, whatever it is.

@BunnytheHoneyBee Absolutely heartbreaking story, I cannot imagine the pain. I hope you’re ok.

Thank you @Kangaroo77 I’m sorry for what you have been through too

And @Balajake

@BunnytheHoneyBee @kangaroo77 😞❤️❤️❤️ Sending hugs

Thanks everyone. He was a good boy and came out quickly. We went in Monday and came home Tuesday as I had to have a general anaesthetic as placenta wouldn’t come out.
Have tested positive for corona as apparently 88% of pregnant women carry it with no symptoms. So I’m hoping that I’m at the tail end but means self isolating for 14 days so no walks.

The midwives were amazing throughout. I feel so empty and walking away from him broke my heart.

But we have 11 year old we needed to get from his grandparents and have to worry he may have given them corona.

Well done for getting through the past few days lovely - that must have been so, so hard. I’m so sorry again for the loss of your little boy. It must be absolutely heartbreaking 💔 Sending all the love and strength in the world xxx

Interesting re the stats on Coronavirus - I really hope you don’t develop any symptoms. Did they test you as a matter of course? Keep safe and well xxx

@jmm499 hospitals are testing all admissions in order to hit the government testing guidelines and to ensure that staff are protected. My result was back within 24 hours. I have zero symptoms and had lots of temperature spikes in hospital but they are a known side effect of the induction tablets.

@welshmercury oh I see, I hadn’t realised that. You poor thing going through the impossible at this time 😢 My heart goes out to you - I hope you’re bearing up as ok as you can. And very pleased to hear you’re free of symptoms Xx