@Balajake I am so sorry this is the result you got. There are a few things I would like to say - you're not having an abortion! You're not 'getting rid of a unwanted baby'. Please don't look at it this way. What you do is protect your baby. And this sounds hard and almost unbelievable now, but you do. You're taking on the pain that your baby would have and it's the most difficult and at the same time bravest thing to do.
I agree what the lovely ladies before me said - think about your options after the birth.
Even if your partner disagrees, you need to do what you think is right because there is so much regret of not doing certain things like seeing and holding your baby. My husband didn't want to find out the sex, name the baby, see him or go to the cremation. I NEEDED this. And so I did. Well, the cremation is next Wednesday but he's coming. We too brought personal things - my brother in Germany made a small and a bigger heart out of my old plum tree and sent them over. My sister (midwife) got me a little cosy wrap they give out at their hospital for babies born too early. The nurse wrapped our little boy (14 weeks gestation) in it and put him in a little crochet cot with a blanket on. The little heart went into the cot too and we placed his little hand on it, the big heart will stay with us forever and I sometimes get it out and feel so close to him. We also got a memory box with his tiny footprints, a birth certificate with his details and even weight and an SD card with photos and other things. We were offered a few options for burial/cremation but we decided that it's for the best that he's cremated with other little babies which as naff as it sounds gives me so much comfort knowing that he's got little friends and isn't alone. The ashes will be scattered in the baby garden by the crematorium - it's in the woods and it's lovely and peaceful.
I have given birth to our living child naturally with only gas & air but I knew I would want more pain killers as my mindset wasn't the same - please don't hesitate to ask for anything, don't torture yourself if you're in pain. Our birth didn't go according to what I had hoped in these awful circumstances and especially the time after he was born and I was still spaced out from pethidine is a bit of a blur despite remembering everything if that even makes sense. I couldn't cry. I so wanted to cry! I wanted to sob and let it all out instead I just looked at him, and put my hand on my partners shoulder whilst he kept breaking down over and over again, apologising to 'his little man' which broke my heart but I think this is what my husband needed. And I'm glad he got to hold him and touch him. We don't talk about it, my husband unfortunately doesn't talk about things like this and just let's me talk but doesn't add or share, so I'm not sure but he's not ever once said he regrets seeing him. Many of the thoughts I've shared on here I haven't even shared with him because I can't take another 'yes, I know.', so sorry if this is too much rambling about my own experience, I suppose it helps me writing it down. This all is only just 12 days ago, it feels like yesterday but also a long time ago. Everything comes in waves and whatever you feel is ok. And whatever you do is ok. Be gentle on yourself, you have not let your child down. Nor anyone else. You have been let down by nature and unfortunately these things are unavoidable, something we/or at least I didn't appreciate until it was me. There are times when I sob, when I stamp my feet on the floor and just question everything. It genuinely is like it's someone else's life and sometimes there's this haze and you feel ok and then it hits you again and you just feel numb.
I've signed up to the ARC forum and I've spent so so many hours reading in the last few days and nights and although it doesn't take away any of my own feelings, it helps. It helps because sometimes I can't find the words to explain what and how I feel, I can't even get the thoughts to match my feelings and then I read something and think yes, this is exactly it, I can't believe that someone else knows how to express MY feelings and it's upsetting knowing that other people have gone through it, but it helps so so much. And I know that I will share my story on there too, right know I'm only able to keep my concentration up for a limited time but every thought that I put into writing seems to lift a tiny little weight off my shoulders. Please do the same if it helps you. Don't hold back on here, no one will judge or take offence to anything. Many people on here have been through similar things and we all get it. The ups, the downs... Take your time, and even more so take care of yourself. Be selfish. Say no when you feel like it and don't try and please or protect anyone. You've got this.
@Treaclepie19 I read your story the other day - such a brave thing to share. I don't think I'll ever be able to do this like you did but I want you to know that there are people out there who appreciate this, they might not always say but I feel you need to know this...