DH reaction

[DomTH]

We have our 12 week scan coming up and my DH told me that if the baby has a disability he wouldn't want to keep it. This has really upset me for a number of reasons. I'm not sure what to do about it now. I feel that he only cares about the child if it's 'perfect' and doesn't have any attachment to the baby I've been carrying thus far.

We haven't spoken about it since I replied saying I felt differently. We left it at that as it feels pointless to debate it and makes things more emotional if there's actually nothing wrong with the baby (we did a Harmony test and find out next week).

Any advice on how to handle this?

Many thanks.

The other way to look at it is that he doesn’t want to being a severely disabled baby into the world as the child will suffer for many years and he can’t face the thought of a child suffering and being in pain etc. while feeling that it’s his fault there is something hurting him/her, yet not being able to fix it and take the pain away.

It may be that and not that he’s looking for perfection.

You’re right, he’s not bonded with him/her as he isn’t carrying them. He will never have that same bond you have. So he will never be able to understand what you feel.

You’re also right that there is no point in worrying about a situation which may or may not happen.

It’s hard if both of you are feeling different things. I’m also pregnant (about the same gestation as you - had 12 week scan today, and had harmony result last week).

Just to give the other side - I felt (and feel) similar to your husband. Not because I only want a perfect baby, but because I wouldn’t want my child to suffer, in any way, if it’s at all possible to avoid it. I would worry how a very disabled child would manage after DH and I are gone. That would worry me my whole life long. In all honesty, I also don’t think I could cope. I see on here the continuous struggles that parents with children with disabilities / additional needs have, and how hard their lives can be.

This isn’t to say that to continue a pregnancy in such circumstances is the wrong decision - it’s just such a difficult one that there is no right or wrong answer to.

I hope whatever tests and scans you have reassure you that you have a healthy baby, but I would try not to let this cause big issues between you and DH.

Well the time for him to have an opinion is before conception. Because he now has zero say in it.

I'm also with your husband on this. Depending on the severity I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy.

I disagree. Your 'DH' said a disability not all disabilities are severe as others. He doesn't want a baby who has a disability and he should of thought about that before TTC it's a 50/50 chance sometimes.
You don't need him to raise a baby. Don't feel forced to have an abortion IF there was anything wrong.
If he didn't want to support you I'd be packing his bags.

Really helpful replies, thanks all.
Will try and look at it differently but I'm still quite thrown by his reaction. Will leave it for now and try not to dwell.

I think a few replies here are a bit harsh on OPs DH. There are things people only start thinking about once they have conceived, its natural. It's also natural to want a healthy baby. Of course your husband hasn't got the connection to your baby that you have, simply because right now all he has is to lines on a test and prob seeing baby on a screen when you had the harmony test done. Nevertheless are things going through his head just as they are through yours and I personally think it's great that he as voiced them. Although people are right and it is eventually your own decision, you're still a couple and you're both parents to be and are well in your rights to have an opinion.
It's also very easy to say one way or another until you're actually faced with making a decision about your unborn child. No one can say 100% this way or another until they're confronted with the reality of it all.
Some parents of severely disabled children had no choice and they're facing weeks and months in hospitals, operations, other issues, many die weeks, months, years old and have never seen the outside of a hospital. Disabled people you see on the street are a tiny window into the reality of what it's actually like.
Cross this bridge when you come to it, don't get mad at your husband for having a different opinion. His might change and so might yours. Don't waste your energy on something hypothetical, it's not worth it. There's no reason for anything to be wrong until someone tells you different.
I hope it all works out for you and your results come back ok.