Midwife too concerned

[Anastasiakr]

Hello,
Has any of you experienced overly concerned midwife appointments ???
Seriously I don’t know what is up but first of all my midwife wrote down that I have Anxiety, without discussing anything with me or giving me any tests to measure if I do ( and I clearly don’t as I never been diagnosed with it or needed help or talking to someone), so she just decided it because I said ‘I’m concerned about my baby all the time and I want to make sure everything is fine’... is that anxiety? Just being concerned because u want to have a good and healthy pregnancy... i found it written in my notes that i have anxiety and now each time I go to see consultant or someone at the hospital they keep asking me about it...
and then another thing, my midwife only works on fridays at my local health centre, and my partner is always working fridays, so I’ve been to 3-4 appointments already alone without him, and she keeps asking me ‘are thing alright at home?’ Or ‘how is your boyfriend?’
Is it just me or it’s a bit weird?? She makes me feel uncomfortable, as if something is happening back home when the only thing is that my bf is working and that’s why I come alone.. i told her that many times, and she just ignores it and keeps asking and looking at me weird as if she’s trying to catch me on something 😂 what the hell??? She actually gonna give me anxiety which I never had before, but it will come if she keeps doing this 😂 I literally even asked my bf to take a day off next time I go so she sees it for herself that I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A PARTNER AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND OBV EVERYTHING IS FINE AT HOME 😂
Pls tell me your midwife is the same because it will make me feel better? Also, she said someone is going to ring me and come visit us at home, is it normal? Is it just to check that we live in a suitable for baby place etc? Or is it one of her weirdness things again and she just actually convinced something is wrong in my relationship FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON? 😂

She is asking about Home and your boyfriend because she has to. domestic violence often starts durring pregnancy.

If you are always anxious about your baby being OK I would say that is anxiety.

I mean you should be not okay if you are not being careful or wanting to know everything because u concerned about your baby being okay. I think it’s completely normal, I never had anxiety, so just because I want to be sure my pregnancy goes fine it doesn’t mean I got it now... it’s a normal human thing to be protective and concerned especially when you growing a little human inside you

Btw, thanks for that info, if she actually has to ask then it’s completely fine!! But I’m a transfer from another health centre, and my midwives before this one never asked it before! Maybe because I was coming with my partner all the time and now she never even seen him

Totally normal for them to check everything is okay at home - they ask everyone this. My husband never came to a midwife appointment, only consultant ones and scans, that’s very normal too.

I would ask her - say you’ve noticed it says you have anxiety in your notes but you don’t think you do so why does she think that? I had awful anxiety pre and postnatally and I didn’t realise it for a long time.

Sounds like some misunderstanding between you and your midwife. Anxiety in pregnancy is very common and often manifests itself as constant worry about the baby. But saying that I think there is a normal amount that women worry about their pregnancy. It sounds like she has taken what you have said literally (which is better than not listening or acting on what you say imho) but perhaps you didn’t mean you are ALWAYS worried. Like I say, it’s easy to misunderstand each other.
With regards to a home visit I believe this is normal, it certainly is in my area. I can expect one when I’m 36 weeks.
And again asking about your boyfriend and home situation, I imagine this is assessment for domestic violence. Perhaps you are reading more into this because of previous misunderstandings between you and midwife.
Hope all is going well with your pregnancy

My midwife actually asked if I was safe at home whilst my mother in law was waiting outside and the door was open, it was so awkward. I get though they have to ask these questions cos of dv concerns and my midwife has already been to the house, she did that at the booking in stage. I don't get the purpose of it because she literally just came in for five minutes, didn't look around or anything so could have easily done that at the clinic. So I wouldn't worry too much about that. With the anxiety thing she is probably covering her own back unless someone develops PND or similar and checks whether she picked up on it. I would ignore that if I was you. I actually have been diagonsed with anxiety before but I don't discuss it with midwife because it was a long time ago and it's normal to worry about your baby, I would find it weirder if someone didn't 🤷🏻‍♀️ it's annoying for you to have to talk about it with doctors etc but I wouldn't get too stressed about it, it's their job to be thorough at the end of the day.

I don't think there is anything wrong with pointing out that you do not have a diagnosis of anxiety and would like to know why it's been recorded that way? Being anxious about pregnancy and actually having anxiety are not necessarily the same thing.

Services are supposed to explore the risks of DV and how things are at home with expectant mothers, but in none of my pregnancies have I experienced being asked the same questions about that over and over. "i told her that many times, and she just ignores it and keeps asking and looking at me weird as if she’s trying to catch me on something"- it sounds as if she's making you feel stressed and uncomfortable with her way of approaching this subject. How would you feel about (politely) telling her how she is making you feel?

It sounds like maybe your communication styles don’t fit? I had this recently with my midwife and found myself feeling a bit combative...then I remembered she is a human being, trying to do her job, and I am an (alleged) grown up! So I just had a very frank conversation with her and now everything is fab! So might be worth at your next visit just saying, ‘I noticed you’ve noted down anxiety in my notes and everyone keeps mentioning it. I think I might have given you the wrong impression-could we talk it through some more?’ home visit is standard where I live, but again with the bf thing just ask ‘do you find it odd he’s not at appointments? Is there a reason you keep bringing this up or do you just have to ask each visit?’. Always much easier to just have the conversation and move on I reckon!

I don’t think my husband came to any midwife appointments, just the scans, I though that was more ‘normal’ she does sound a bit over the top to be honest. I think that your just going to have to ignore it to be honest, it’s only a few twenty minute appointments and if you do have any worry’s least she will be their to listen.

Oh and re home visits- did not have for ds1 or ds2, even though ds2 was a planned home birth! Moved to another area before pregnancy with ds3 and had a home visit there, allegedly because I had some mental health issues in my history although it may be standard in the area, I wouldn't know as communication among and with HV and maternity services was utterly shite.

Yeah it actually makes me feel a bit uncomfortable as it just seems too much! Constantly asking me the same exact questions I don’t even know if she believes me when I answer them because she keeps asking 😂 I will maybe try to talk to her, although it’s so awkward bringing it up, as I already always talk about my relationship, always use ‘we’ in a sentence, tell her in detail about my bf job and that he is working a lot, and then she keeps asking if things are alright... i think i will just make my bf use his day off for one of the appointments and see if she stops all this when she meets him.. because we are a young happy couple, we are so excited gor our baby and idk how she cannot see it! I come in always happy to my appointments, ask a lot of questions and share things with her honestly, so I don’t get where here concerns are coming from...

I don’t think she has concerns. Part of her job is encouraging women to open up about any problems they may be experiencing in their relationship so that they can offer appropriate support. Nothing you’ve said suggests she thinks there’s a problem, she’s just doing her job.

I agree with PP who have said she's just doing her job, regarding asking about your BF. I was asked twice at my booking appointment if I felt safe at home, any DV, etc. it's just something they have to do. I fully expect for it to be mentioned at future appointments too.
It's totally normal for DH/partners not to come to midwife appointments, so don't worry about that, she won't find that unusual.

Re: anxiety, I would ask her to discuss it further, as has already been suggested. If you don't talk to her about it then you can't get it rectified. It may just be the way you said what you said to her. Being concerned about the baby "all the time" does sound a bit more than "normal" level of worry when it's put like that, so she may have misunderstood what you meant and thought you were saying that you are worrying about the baby every waking minute, which would be worrying without an underlying reason.

It does sound like a possible mismatch in communication too TBH, but talk to her and try not to take her questions personally, as I'm sure they aren't meant that way.

I have been asked at every midwife appointment how things are at home. They are just doing their job, as pregnancy can be a trigger for violence. They are also trying to ascertain if you have enough support in place once the baby arrives. I think you are being unfair to your midwife, her role is to make an objective assessment of your needs and while you may not agree, if she feels you are anxious she is obliged to document it.

My midwife actually writes in my notes whether I've attended alone or with my partner (he's only been to two appointments and just because he happened to be off work those days). I assume it's to get a picture of your support network and as others have suggested around DV.

My midwife told me that she will always ask me about domestic violence as women don't admit to it straight away and can take up to 30 times of being asked before admitting it!

Be prepared for the health visitor to ask about your bf and domestic violence too, it's just one of those things they have to check.

I have been to all of my midwives appointments alone. and they always ask if I'm happy or am I being abused. I even went to the hospital for a scan with a burn on my arm from the iron and saw the sonographer, consultant, midwife and a nurse for an injection, each and every one of them commented and asked me what had happened despite being with my husband and daughter. it's just one of those things they ask. and they always document "attended alone". I wouldn't worry :) x x

Yes it's completely normal to ask do you feel safe at home etc it's a tick off sheet they have to ask, as for the anxiety alot of mums do get it she may of taken it literal about your concerns but it's good to take note of it just incase it develops further after the birth, she's just being thorough as there meant to be but some don't bother so I'd say your lucky you actually have a midwife doing her job properly and caring, don't worry or look into it see it as a positive.