Previous tfmr & now pregnant again and scared - anyone else been in the same position?

[sukieinthegraveyard]

Hello, I have just found out I am pregnant. I have a 5 year old already & would absolutely love for her to have a sibling. Me and my husband met later on in life and our daughter came along when I was 40; we now realise how very lucky we were to have an easy pregnancy and birth with no difficulties or worries regarding the health of our unborn child.
I always wanted a 2nd child, so we tried again and at the age of 42 I became pregnant again, only to miscarry at 8 weeks which was devastating.
Then, the following year aged 43 I became pregnant once more and everything appeared to be fine, including the nuchal scan at 12 weeks, until my risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome came back as 1 -23 following the blood test and I went for an amnio. I stayed positive throughout thinking that we had 22 chances of having a healthy baby still. Unfortunately the result came back as positive for Down Syndrome and after much soul searching my husband and I decided not to continue the pregnancy. It was the most heart wrenching decision I have ever had to make.
Anyway, that was 18 months ago now and although we have been using no contraception (I was holding out for another try; my husband was reluctant though as did not want either of us to go through any more pain & disappointment) I had got my head around the fact our daughter was to be an only child.
However, yesterday I took a pregnancy test as was late and lo & behold - positive result - and I am bricking it....
Cannot allow myself to get excited as terrified at prospect of miscarriage and another trisomy abnormality; we would do exactly the same again as however awful it was and guilt ridden we felt we feel sure it was right for our family. We did not want our daughter to have the legacy of not only 2 old bids for parents with dementia or the like to care for but a sibling also. My daughter would be overjoyed to have a sibling to play with & help look after.
I am 45 now and will be just turned 46 when baby due. Has anyone been in similar situation? Or an older older Mum where everything has turned out fine?
Any experiences shared gratefully received! Am feeling a bit all over the place at the moment.

Hi @sukieinthegraveyard ..I've just read your post, years later, and I'm so sorry to hear what you had to go through :(

I hope that everything turned out well for you xxx

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
ot was a very scary time, but all went well and I now have an 11 year old and a 5 year ol - two happy, healthy girls so I cannot actually believe my luck still…. Especially after te reading that old post as had forgotten I had posted this on here.
Your well wishes mean a lot - thank you

Hi again @sukieinthegraveyard , I was glad you've read/received my message 🤗
I thought you might not be here anymore...I joined Mumsnet in October 2022, so not long ago.
I'm 40 and in November we discovered that we're pregnant..I'm 10 weeks today and still can't believe it only took 2 months to conceive (iwas getting myself prepared at a long time of trying at my age etc).bi gone this bean will stick...I'll be turning 41 next year.
This is our first baby together ❤️ I have a 12 year old and an 8 Yr old already from a previous marriage and my DP has got 2 kids as well.

We have our 12 week scan in January and I'm very anxious...cause of all these trisomy risks etc and risk...due to age...also some money worries on top of that. This is how I've come across your original post (searching avout all these syndromes) and I can't believe nobody had replied to you at the time.

It's good to hear that everything has turned out well for you ❤- congratulations on having your two, healthy children!

Xxx

*I hope this bean will stick

It’s an anxious time isn’t it - congratulations and sending you all the very best of luck - hope it all works out for you guys 🍀🤞

Hi there. I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with a girl, and I underwent a TFMR in Sept 2021. I have a little boy who is now 5.5yrs. I'm 37.

However you're feeling and what you're experiencing is totally valid. We really wanted a second child, and we waited from the TFMR for 10 months until we were emotionally and financially ready. I still feel so much guilt; I often think that there ought to be 3 children in my family rather than 2, I feel like I'm replacing my first daughter with my current pregnancy and I feel like everything is going to go wrong again.

For the physical side of things, every 4 weeks I go for a scan, bloods and "reassurance chats" with my consultant. We moved from the East Midlands to the West Midlands shortly after the TFMR, and I made the decision that when I was pregnant again I'd return to the East Midlands. Takes a 3 hour round trip, but it's nice to be with a team who know my story and why I'm so anxious all the time. I have midwives based here in the West Midlands but I don't see them as much.

For the emotional and mental health side of things, that's been a bit more complicated. Majority of the days I'm fine, especially now that I'm heading towards the end. The beginning was tough. I have therapy every 3 weeks which has been beneficial and has helped me be honest with my grief and how I feel. I acknowledge that I haven't truly processed my daughters death as my Papa died about 4 weeks later, so I'm currently on a waiting list for specialist therapy surrounding that. Another part that I struggle with is guilt; do I buy brand new things for my daughter or do I use things from her older sister? My little boy kick started this conversation as he was desperate for us to use a pink rabbit that we bought. We made the decision to use it, and slowly everything else fell into place of what we wanted to use.

You're not alone throughout this. I try and talk openly about my daughter who passed away, esp around my son. It helps me and it breaks down taboos. I'm really excited to have a baby again, I promise.

What an inspiring story and I’m so glad you got your rainbow. I too went through two previous tfmr’s and I pray about it daily. The first was a trisonomy 18 in 2020 and then 7 months later trisonomy 21 in 2021. I was 40 and now I’m expecting again at 42 and terrified to even tell anyone much less take a nipt test. I pray I get a rainbow too because they have outlawed abortions of any kind in my state and I do not have the funds to travel to another state. Pray for me

We had a 50/50 chance of passing on a pretty much potentially fatal condition to our unborn child -we had at first a healthy daughter I was aged 31 then 2 TFMRs as these both had this condition plus the first had Down syndrome too -we had thought the same -if our babies managed to survive their quality of life would be awful and didn't want our daughter to have to care for a sibling once we passed but mainly I didn't want my baby to be born suffering and in all likelihood dying at 5 weeks or under which was what the Drs told us was a very real probability if they survive the birth!

Anyway we now have a healthy just turned 7 year old and a healthy 2 year old I had her aged 35 the two TFMRs were in between!