What will I regret more?

[needadvice321]

I am 39, 2 children aged 5 and 3. Unexpectedly pregnant with third. Considering a termination. It's such a horrible choice to have to make and I wonder if anyone who has been there can give me some advice?

A third child would put massive financial strain on us and we live in a very small place with no prospect to move. I feel that I would be taking opportunities away from the two kids we have. The two we have are great friends and very easy and happy kids, I worry what adding a third would do that relationship. My husband has a heart condition and I am worried about what the financial stress and sleepless nights would do to him. (My youngest didn't sleep through the night for 2 years). I feel like with three children the rest of our lives become a struggle to keep our heads above water and to give each of them the attention that they need. I need to work and earn money to provide for my family, even more so if we have a third, so more time taken away from kids and more stressed out/tired mum. I am also scared of being pregnant and giving birth again, especially at my age (I will be almost 40 at due date).

On the other hand, can I really terminate and live with it? I am scared that if I terminate I will regret it, always think about it, become depressed and ultimately ruin our happy family. I know that we would love a baby if it arrived. I do love babies and young kids. But also find them tiring and stressful at the same time.

I feel like whichever choice I make I have spoiled my little family and hurt my two existing children. Either way I will always wonder 'what if?' but what's the 'what if?' I can live with?

I a 6 weeks, in my mind I have set a deadline of 8 weeks as latest to terminate. It is easy for me to access the termination at any time where I live (it would be a surgical termination under GA).

Can anyone who has been in a similar situation help me get some perspective on this? If you terminated for similar reasons in the past did you cope with it emotionally? If you chose not to terminate did you ever regret it when times got tough?

Our third took us a bit by surprise, but it is the best! I look at him and am just so grateful and horrified at the thought that he might never have existed Because I work full time, our biggest expense will be nursery fees until he goes to school. That is the painful bit. Your third might not be like the others. Mine slept through at 7 weeks, feeds superbly, barely cries, is just really happy even though we are seemingly constantly on the school run. And for me, so far, having 3 has not doubled the workload nor impacted negatively on our lives. Yes, of course, there is a bit of juggling involved, but it is all do-able, and because the others are older, they are a bit more independent.

But for us:
The plus:

• the other two LOVE him dearly. I am not a sentimental person but it warms my heart when I watch them fussing over the baby.
• it is so lovely to have a baby who coos and smile, when you have stroppy 6 and 4 yo who think your cooking is yuck and that you are an evil mummy because you don't let them watch sponge bob square pants all day long.
• he sees his siblings and he immediately smiles because they can play peekaboo for HOURS.
• for me it is a year of spending time with my children, a year where my career is on pause before it resumes.
• the other two being older, we all still fit in the car because they have booster seats.
• we kept everything (I am the second of three, so three children is my norm and I was not against a 3rd) and what I got rid off I know where to find good second hand. Apart from nappies, he has not cost us a penny.
• much more relaxed mum, everything is easier: breastfeeding, weaning, etc. I have been there, done it many times.
• I am also dangerously close to 40, having a baby is keeping me young!

The minus

• because I was over 35 I had more tests, including an amnio. Everything was fine though.
• nursery fees for another 3 years.
• the two older children now have to share a room. No biggie, I shared with my sister for 12 years and loved it. They are also loving it!
• family tickets/rooms/etc only usually cater for 2 adults and 2 kids, we have occasionally needed to pay extra.

Having a child is a leap of faith, whatever their birth order, you never know what you are going to get. You are right to think about all the problems and constraints and risks. You should, however, also think about the positives and the possibilities. The only questions you need to ask yourself is: 1) can you love this child, 2) can you look after it, physically, emotionally and financially. (And for financially, I mean reasonably, as in the child being suitably clothed, fed and in a warm house). And since this baby is already in your tummy, you need to add 3) can I live with myself if I terminate this pregnancy. Would your family, including your children, value your sacrifice?

As for the wellbeing of your children... I am a middle child, the 2nd of 3, and it was the best spot. I was very close to my sister in childhood, but now as an adult I am also close to my brother. It is great to know you are not alone in the world. The baby has also done a world of good to my DC2 not to be the pampered little baby any more. Also, I am a firm believer that the early years are the hardest. But they only last a few years. What is 5 years in a lifetime? Nothing.

Good luck!

Thank you Sapat for taking time to write such a detailed reply.

A happy ending like yours would be lovely! Thanks for the encouragement. I have read many threads on internet of people finding 3 children awful, tiring, too much!!

Right now I am just feeling scared of ruining what we already have. I flip back and forth between hopeful of it all turning out for the best and then the next minute feeling confident that another baby would ruin the lives of my husband and existing two kids. I wish I had a crystal ball.

Also, I am self employed so no work = no money, and no maternity pay at all where I live so it's literally a case of back to work within weeks if possible. But can I really do it? With the other two I wasn't working but that's no longer an option.

So much to consider and yet I want to make the decision quickly and move on.

I had a termination of an unplanned third pregnancy last year (2 dc then 6 and 2) and almost a year on I am sure we have made the right decision. I had pregnancy problems which were why we couldn't go ahead but don't discount your financial worries or your dh's health worries. In your place I would add up the finances: can you afford nursery, how much stuff (pram etc) would you need to buy, would you need a bigger car etc. When you say small place can you fit another bed, wardrobe and so on in the space you have?

I'm sure you would love a baby (as I would have) but you can decide that it is just too much strain, deciding not to continue a pregnancy becauseyou feel it's too much of a financial risk is ok. Babies are rerelatively cheap and easy, teenagers are not.

It doesn't matter if anyone else would 'value' your 'sacrifice' if you feel happy and that you are coping and don't want to risk that then that is enough. You might find it useful to talk to a counsellor (your gp may be able to refer you or try bpas). There is a section called pregnancy choices too that might be useful to you.

You poor thing, that's a really difficult situation to be in!
But it has happened. You say you would be able to love another baby, and I'm sure the rest of your family would too. My feeling is that you are never going to regret the baby if you keep it. There may be times you regret getting pregnant, but that has already happened, no going back from that or changing that fact now! If you see what I mean - its the pregnancy not the baby that would be the regret, and it's too late to do anything about that, it will live with you always. You will love the baby, it's a whole new person.

Whatever you decide make sure it's right for you. I have just had my 3rd at age 42. If I had my way, I would have 4 kids. It depends on what you can cope with, physically, emotionally, and financially. It sounds like you have seriously and earnestly taken this all into great consideration. What does hubby want?

Thanks for your replies it is good to hear some different perspectives as can't talk to anyone in real life and going round in circles.

peach owl it is a relief to me to hear someone who has terminated and does not sound haunted by it. This is my fear. But, generally I am a strong person and able to deal with things in life so I hope I could cope. I hope the fact it is early would help. I do worry that now I have pictured a baby here it will be hard to forget what might have been.

My DH has always worried it would be too much financial and space (our flat is very small and no outside space) strain. However, it was actually me who raised the idea of termination. Even then initially he thought let's just go for it and have the baby. It was me who woke in a cold sweat thinking about the reality of this situation. Then we had a very serious discussion and agreed termination best. He still thinks that but would not force the issue if I decided against.

I feel deeply jealous of friends and aquaintances who can have a third, who have more space, font have to work. Although I know everyone has their own struggles in life. And of course no point comparing must face the realities of my own situation.

Still undecided but swaying towards getting the termination and getting it quickly. I think I would find early termination easier to live with.

I was advised to write a list of pros and cons for having the baby vs having a termination. It sometimes helps to write things down.

I did regret my abortion and i was quite overwhelmed by grief. However, looking back i was nowhere near 100% positive that it was the right thing to do. Plus I the kind of person who looks back on things with regret and I self punish.

I'd advise counselling before and after. It's something i didn't do but i wish i had. I think it would have made a difference.

I think it's important to remember also that having a termination now doesn't mean you couldn't have a planned third child in the future if you both feel you'd like to. You're not closing the door on that possibility, it's just that the circumstances at the moment don't allow it.

There's a new Pregnancy Choices board which is populated by women who have.been in your position. You could pop over there if you need some experiences (good and bad) of termination.

I hope you come to the right decision for you

Pregnancy Choices is in the Body & Soul section by the way.

I cannot advise you one way or another or share any personal experience, but just to say many people have terminations and are not forever haunted by them. Usually these are woman who are in no doubt in their mind that not continuing the pregnancy is the right thing for them and their families.
You are right to think beyond the baby stage: what would your family be like in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years time?

Yy to counselling. Take your times to make the decision - the psychological problems tend to arise if whatever decision (and that might mean continuing with the pregnancy) turns out to have been a mistake or done for the wrong reasons. Do not terminate or have the baby because of pressure from somebody else. What does your DH think about it? Do you feel supported by him? Does he share your concerns?

V best of luck to you

Well I went ahead and booked the termination for this Thursday. Have cried and cried since doing that. As has DH. Finally after much soul searching we have decided to continue with the pregnancy and deal with whatever practical difficulties it causes.

I feel a massive sense of relief and calm knowing I do not have to go ahead with the termination but I am very grateful that I live in a time and place where I have a choice.

I appreciate all of your input. It made me feel less alone at a very difficult time.

I'm glad you've come to a decision that you feel happy with.

Best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy

needadvice, you have made a brave decision and, by the sounds of it, for all the right reasons.

I hope you can put this soul searching behind you and at some point find a way to enjoy this pregnancy. V bets of luck

Good luck needadvice I'm glad you feel calmer and hope you have a stress free pregnancy.