unplanned 4th and very sad and conflicted, v complicated issues

[Hannah06]

i am a 35 years old stay at home of three boys - 8, 4 and 2.
i am pregnant unplanned with 4th and i feel it is most probably going to mean termination which is something i never imagined. i know either way the decision will be with me forever...
I am an educated person who finds herself on benefits, because my dear husband who was sole earner had a mental breakdown 2 years ago and is only just getting back to work.
He has ongoing symtoms, anxiety, which he manages beautifully, but it is still a significant situation.
i have been at home 8 years and it is so tough at times, just dont know how i would manage to nurture another baby emotionally and the others.
I would feel so ashamed to bring another life into the world when i am on benefits and we do not have the means to support the baby although we will in the near future i am sure but still.
just the social judgement. i live in a very middle class area and i can only imagine the disaproval i would receive. it does seem sad.
the breakdown was such a stressful time and i feel it is irresponsible to myself and my other children and my unborn to add more pressure to a loving and courageous but in some ways vulnerable family situation.
i will tell my husband when he wakes. i am nervous about what it will raise for him as he adopted but i know he pro choice...
oh lord, life is tricky sometimes...
any support much appreciated. good not to stew alone...

Oh lovely, what an awful situation you find yourself in.

I have no advice at all, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I hope you can find an outcome that you're happy with x

V sorry you are in such a difficult situation Hannah but please don't let your perception of what other people think affect your decision. All that matters is what's right for your family.

This sounds a terrible situation

I have not much advice to offer but didn't want to read and run

I think when things are like this you just have to put the dc you already have first

We also have three dc. We could not manage with four so if it ever did happen unfortunately I think we would have to terminate. As much as it would break my heart

Please don't let the mere fact you are on benefits put you off keeping the child. Find out how much money there will be and decide taking that into account (as well as all the other factors of course).
Do you have any help from local family?

thankyou. thankyou so much. you can see that there is just no way as a couple we would under normal circumstances consider termination which is the sad bit.
but low income and and financial insecurity to the degree we are experiencing it has very serious implications. the benefit cap means i am even 100 pounds short on my rent every week which is only covered in 4 week blocks on a discretionary basis by the local council and they also advise it could run out at any time, so i desperately looking for work to keep us housed.

thankyou so much. my mum is local and helps once a week. but i don't know what she would make of it and she is not in a position to up the help.
i think its the current climate of 'benefits street'. it makes you feel ashamed. even though i am a soy latte drinking, graduate, guardian reading, community volunteering, friendly neighbouring person for goodness sake!!!!
i just feel like a failure. and that is the highest cost of finding oneself on benefits. but yes, i will try and be open minded.
i think tis more me, i don't feel i have it in me to nurture new life well at this point, the emotional reserves just are not there.

then it sounds like an abortion would be the least worst option. Which surely is all it ever is - no one wants an abortion, really but that is the situation they find themselves in.

It's not unusual for couples to find themselves in this situation. we are a working family - I have two children, but if I became pregnnat with a third then I would not hestitate to have an early abortion. My Oh agrees.
My sister also terminated her third because she could not afford it.
My greatest concern would be for the welfare of my existing children.

Benefits or not- if your OH does get back to work you mat stil struggle financially.
My focus is on he kids I have - not any potential childrn I may have in the future.
Sorry to be so blunt-and I am speaking as someone whao has had a termination in the past when I was much younger and the circumstances were all wrong.
I don't regret that for a moment.

After the initial few months would he manage the family and you be the main earner? It is becoming much more prevalent and socially acceptable. When we were discussing having a third I did the 70yr old test. Basically if I were 70 looking back what would I regret more - a financially tougher time for my children and us for the 3 extra years before I would be able to work more and the extra cost or not having a third child. We decided to have a third. Which do you think you would regret more when they are all grown up? Will your reasons against still be valid? Will your reasons to continue with the pregnancy be worth the tough few years and financial impact on your other children? Try not to worry too much about what others might think as you might not live there in five years and people who would treat you differently probably aren't worth worrying about.

You poor thing. I am so sorry, having been in a situation a couple of years ago when I was pregnant with my third and things were all falling apart, I know how it feels to consider something you would never normally consider.

I kept my baby and though things are quite tough (single parent) we are managing day to day.

I just wanted to hold your hand x

Also I am very determined not to become pregnant again but that is because I am 40, my body nearly lost the plot last time, I was very sick for the first 4 or 5 months and my other children were affected by this obviously. It would be a disaster - but if I were not going to be so ill, I wouldn't be so against the idea should it happen by accident.

You are in my thoughts.

Hello

I just wanted to say how sorry i am you are in this situation. This was me a couple of months ago. I never thought it would happen to me either. I think you really have to work out what your gut feels about having a kid, logistics aside. Write it down, talk to your husband. Try and work out how you'd feel after accepting both scenarios.

I went down the termination route and am very glad I did but I was totally sure for so many reasons.

For what its worth, like your husband i am adopted and it's made me even more pro choice.

I wouldn't worry about other people's disapproval, everybody hits rough patches in their lives at some point.

You say you live in a very middle class area.....is it possible to move to a cheaper area, i'm aware that your children are probably settled at school but somewhere with cheaper rent and where you are not battling each month to pay the rent might give you some breathing space to deal with your financial worries as well as your current predicament.

Sometimes to move on we have to leave the ideal of our old life behind.

Do you want to keep it? What about if money weren't a factor?

But isn't discounting finance a bit pie in the sky sj73?

The truth is money is a factor in determining how many children we have- for the responsible amongst us.
I think finance is one of the major restraints we all have to consider when planning a family.

As is should be.

Just want to offer you both hugs, all your reasons are incredibly valid. I hope you are both able to support each other emotionally through the decision you make.

money IS a factor, and has been for parents since it was invented.

OP, whatever you decide I wish you luck. It is for no-one else to judge.

I am really sorry to hear you are facing this decision Hannah, and I don't think anybody knows for sure what they would do in a given situation until they're in it. For entirely different reasons I had difficulties coming to terms with being pregnant and I found it particularly difficult because I didn't really feel I could discuss my feelings honestly with friends and family. I found counselling helped: it's not a magic solution, but I found it helpful to talk about how I was feeling in a supportive and non-judgemental atmosphere. Whatever you decide, perhaps this is something to investigate? My midwife said she could arrange it for me via the GP, although in the end I was able to access it quicker through a workplace scheme. Wishing you and your family a way through this very hard situation.