Post-abortion surgical - hormonal/ emotional roller-coaster

[Mrskayy]

Hello everybody,

I’m starting this talk to have some exchange with women who have also had an abortion. I had mine two weeks ago and seem to be going through an hormonal/ emotional roller-coaster.

When I found out that I was pregnant (I already have two DS – 4 years & 1 year 8 months) I was devastated. The pregnancy was not planned and I so did not want another child - at least not now. Please note that I love children and always knew that I wanted some, but I also always knew that I never really wanted a large family. My long term partner in turn always wanted to have at least 3 kids. Just like me, he was confused when I told him that I was pregnant again. He said that he would be happy to have a number three but he would also totally understand if I was not up for it. He even mentioned that it might good if I had a break (our lives have been manic since the birth of Nr 2).

My upbringing was very religious and initially put up with the idea of having a number three, reluctantly though (my Dad used to tell me all those horror stories of those irresponsible women that had abortions and killed babies). I cried for days worrying about money, how to manage three kids (we live abroad in France without family support and I’m the breadwinner while my partners is trying to set up his own business) and about the fact that I would have to put my life aside again for another few years. When my boyfriend mentioned again that I didn’t have to continue the pregnancy, and I started considering terminating, I started to feel relieved. I actually started to feel positive and happy again. I made an appointment with my GP for an abortion consultation. My GP was OK but I somehow felt ashamed and decided again to continue the pregnancy. I was sent for my first scan to determine how many weeks I was and when I saw the little thing I was not really touched. I was kind of nice to see that little creature but I did not feel excitement or joy. That evening and weekend I cried non-stop dreading the pregnancy and the thought of having another child. This is how I came to choose to terminate.
It was 1 ½ weeks later that the surgical termination took place. During that time I was kind of looking forward to it, please don’t get me wrong, I wanted the whole chapter to leave behind me. I was looking forward to not being pregnant anymore. After the surgery I felt extremely maternal for two days and longed to have a baby. It was so, so confusing, I felt the exact opposite as to the way I did before. I was told that it was the hormones confusing me (apparently the body thinks that it has given birth hormones are released for the mum to look after her baby). And indeed two days later I felt relieved and positive about my decision and I felt like “normal” again.

I had been doing well since and even thought many times that I had taken the right decision. HOWEVER, I went three days ago for a check-up appointment at the hospital and they made another scan to check if everything was fine. They showed the picture of the scan showing an empty womb. That imaged triggered something in me and I have been feeling very emotional since. It has awaken those maternal instincts again that I didn’t feel while I was pregnant. The doctor said that that the hormonal changes can last several weeks and I should try to relax until then.

Has anybody been experienced similar feelings/ confusion? Right now I feel terrible and keep breaking down in tears. I keep wondering if I took the right decision. I feel guilt and am mourning for that little thing. I’m praying that it will forgive me… ?

Hi MrsKay I'm a longtime poster but have NC for this as it's still quite sensitive to me and not well known within my family/friends.

My circumstances were v different to yours but i can really identify with your thoughts/feelings...

I had a termination 11 yrs ago when in my late teens, I was pg from a short term fling while working abroad for the summer and realised when I was back home in UK. It was never going to be a relationship, he lived abroad so I would have been a single parent here. I'd only been back a few weeks and had no work either. There is no judgement to other single parents in what I say but at that point in my life, i didn't want to do it on my own and I was certain of that.

I told no-one, went to a NHS clinic and asked for a termination, to my regret I didn't talk about my situation or feelings, my only words were that I was pg and didn't want to be. Drs were happy to confirm my decision.

A friend came with me because I had a GA and the clinic said they couldn't do it without me having someone to take me home after, if it hadn't been for that I would've told no-one.
I returned home to my parents house that evening saying id been at my friends house for the day and went to bed. They didn't think anything of it.

I remember that feeling of "I can't wait for it to be over" but after it happened I hated myself and was sure everyone else did too. I felt stupid to have got in that situation and felt I deserved every bit of the pain I was in.

I went through several years or depression and destructive behaviour as well as bad relationship choices, punishing myself for a long time.

I once approached my GP in tears about my feelings and guilt and she said I needed counselling but there was a long NHS list that I never seemed to get added to and I couldn't afford private so I carried on.

A few years down the line I met my now DH and my life changed, in the beginning we just got on so well that I felt I could talk to him without judgement so we spoke about it. Only once I properly acknowledged how I felt did it get any better.

Ultimately I acknowledged that it had caused me a lot of pain but a lot of that was caused by me trying to deal with it all on my own and I realised (after a lot of talking) that I still thought I had made the right decision for me at the time.

Now I look back on that time as painful but with regret that I didn't speak to anyone, that is my main advice to you...talk to someone, even if just in here.

Your hormones are all over the place at the moment and you can't control that but that side will get better and in the meantime, acknowledge your hurt and talk about it, I promise it will get better.

Hope that helps...

Hello
I had a termination 4 weeks ago. The hormones afterwards are really all over the place until you get your next period. Immediately afterwards I questioned whether I'd done the right thing, although I was absolutely sure. As the days went by and my head cleared, the more I realised that my decision was the right one. i think you have to just expect these feelings of sadness and just ride them out. Cry when you need to and eventually you will feel better. Dolly is right when she says you should acknowledge your feelings and accept them. I am feeling a lot better a month on.

Thank you much, girls. I'm feeling much better today after having spoken to a friend about it. It turns out that a friend of mine was going through the same thing at the same time as me! Neither of us dared to speak about it until her daughter spilled the beans. Funny how things go...

But yeah, I'm feeling much better today and I'm seeing things clearer. I know why I did it and I have to accept my desicion, deal with the feelings and move on. There is no point of feeling depressed for too long. I have also ordered a great book "The healing choice" that is already helping me a little.

I'm looking forward to my first period :)

Thank you!!

I'm literally in the process of an abortion now. I took the tablet today and will return on Wednesday to complete the process. I already feel like i made the wrong decision and i wish i could turn back time.

My pregnancy wasn't planned. I doubted my ability to cope with three children (my Dh works away) and i wasn't sure if we could afford it. Our house isn't big enough. I worried about taking time off work and then paying for childcare. These all seem like really stupid reasons now.

I'm sad that this was probably my last chance to have another baby

Hi,

We're going to move this thread into the miscarriage/pregnancy loss section.

We're wishing you all the best, MrsKayy

Dear UnknownGnome,

I'm so, so sorry to hear that. I feel for you. I so know what you are going through.

It took me 4 weeks to make a desicion and I was sure that terminating was what I wanted. Then after taking the tablet I started to feel maternal and regretted my choise. I felt terrible for the first few days longing to hold a baby. How crazy is that? I mean there I was wanting to terminate and then I felt like having a baby?!?! It just didn't make sense. Those hormones...

I have to say that 2 days after the procedure I felt relieved and happy and that lasted for about 2 weeks. On thursday after the checkup I felt regretful again. It is such a difficult desicion and I guess we can't help but think what if I had chosen differently.

But you know what? We have made a desicion and and it is now too late to go back. We now have to accept it, deal with those feelings and move forward. We can't be misserable for ever and we need to be there for our kids.
You know, the laws in place are there for a reason and women need to be able to decicde what is best for them and their families. We don't do this lightly and we suffer from it. But we also have to acknowledeg that we don't have to be victimes to our reproductive organs (yes - I'm feeling strong and positive today)

Hang on in there and don't beat yourself up. Have you got family support?

Lots of love...

Hello
It's been 6 months yesterday since my abortion. I struggled a lot just after even though it was right it was still really hard and something I really wished I didn't have to do. It's was very much a secret and something that still is. It did get easier over time. I'm finding it a little hard now as what would have been my due date approaches and no doubt will struggle with for the rest of my life. It has given my great strength and changed my life for the better.

No family support as I didn't tell anyone. My dh is supportive but I feel angry with him because he wouldn't consider going ahead with the pregnancy.

I'm dreading tomorrow. I know what you mean - I have to get on with things for my kids but I'm finding it so so difficult. I feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't feel like I'll ever get over it. Why did I take the tablet? I could have just walked away.

UnknownGnome just wanted to say thinking of you. I took my tablet this morning and feel exactly the same. I almost didn't take it and now I wish I hadn't. I don't feel ill ever get over the guilt. Not looking forward to Christmas at all

Help I feel for you. It will get better. I'm.starting to feel much better now. The medical option is often seen as the easy option but when it come to this there's no such thing. It's really hard to take that tablet, even if you know it's the best thing to do. I think it's probably normal to have doubts straight after.

It's an awful thing to go through. I'm here if you want to chat.

UnknownGnome it helps to know you are feeling better about it now. I have an early appt this morning for the second part. To top it all we have just come down with a sickness bug and I was up all night with my 6 month old. It did kind of make me realise how difficult a 14 month age gap would have been.

I hope it goes well. Come over to the Abortion I'm so scared thread in the Family Planning section (general health). There are a few of us on there and it's more active than this one. Lots of support.

Thinking of you today. Sorry to hear you've all been ill-not what you need right now

O honey....yes. It can be absolutely awful. We have 3 children, with the youngest one being 13 months, and I must say not an easy baby. Recently found out that we unexpectedly got pregnant (my worst fear), and I was at a loss, I was in utter shock, and was so emotionally shaken and upset. I did not want to be pregnant and decided to go the medical abortion route as I was early on. As soon as I took the first pill and headed to the car from the doctors office, I broke in tears. I felt absolutely miserable/guilty/unsure. I'm crying as I'm writing this. This only happened about 4 days ago, and I am so depressed. I cannot believe it, as I was so sure in my decision, and my husband was supportive in either route I chose. I cannot wait to feel "normal" - this is so painful. I'd much rather have a broken leg, than feel this depressed. I'm with you, and sending you a tight long hug!