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Antenatal tests

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Original poster

Unplanned 4th AND large age gap

17 replies

Hegthepod · 25/11/2013 14:11

Have just found out that I am 9weeks pregnant with v unplanned 4th. Feeling v embarrassed . Ds1 is 6, Dts (boys) are 4. Wondering what on earth to do, esp concerned about upsetting balance of family that has at last started to settle after exhausting 4 years of twins plus ds1. Dh being supportive but both in two minds. Would love to hear from anyone else with similar age gaps or experiences please.

OP posts:

bogwobbit · 25/11/2013 14:28

As well as being embarrassed are you happy, or at least not to unhappy, about your pregnancy? If so, congratulations.
I have 4 with large age gaps - 6 1/2 years between numbers 3 & 4. The youngest is now 9 and although it was exhausting when she was younger, it has worked out fine and obviously we wouldn't be without her now. If you have any specific questions, just ask.
Oh, and don't be embarrassed. People will probably make rude and insensitive remarks (they did with me anyway) but they're just rude people. Ignore them!

goshhhhhh · 25/11/2013 14:45

I only have 2 but same age gap & they get on really well too well. I am one of six with some large age gaps & we all get on really well. It isn't the age gaps that make a difference IMHO, it is how you handle them....

SugarMiceInTheRain · 25/11/2013 14:57

Well I'm about to find out about having an age gap DS1 is 7, DS2 is 5 and I'm due in February, when they'll be almost 8 and 6. Whilst we had previously been ttc, after fertility problems and 3 MCs I'd decided to get on with life with 2 and was enjoying things getting easier so it was a bit of a shock to find out I was pregnant. Think of all the positives - you can give the baby more time whilst your older children are at school, so can do the 'baby things' which are difficult or impossible to do when you have a toddler in tow, like taking baby swimming, baby massage etc. Also you can nap when the baby naps (impossible with a whirlwind toddler!). Tentative congratulations! :-)

Foxeym · 25/11/2013 15:27

I had a surprise DC3 five weeks ago and my other 2 DC's are 15 and 12 so a huge age gap. They older two have been absolutely fantastic with him and such a help. Big age gaps can work really well :)

whereisthewitch · 25/11/2013 15:34

Why embarrassed? I know lots of people who have chosen to have 4. This happened to my mum btw, she was 41 and not wanting anymore, I was the youngest of 3 and 8yo. Along came my sister and we all loved her to bits, wouldn't be without her and the age gap never posed a problem in fact it worked out well for mum because she had 3 helpers.

JustCallMeBaldrick · 25/11/2013 15:37

I've got DTs who are 7, DD who's 3, and no. 4 is due in February. The age gap worked well for us last time, so I'm hoping it'll be the same this time round! (If it helps, both DD and this one were unplanned 'pill babies'!)

JustCallMeBaldrick · 25/11/2013 15:38

Original poster

Hegthepod · 25/11/2013 20:48

Thank you so much for the opinions and experiences. All the very best to SugarMiceInTheRain. Embarrassed at being 41 and not being able to get a grip of birth control by now. And having 4 is not common in my sensible, middle class gossip-heavy area of the country.

Partly happy, partly upset at messing up status quo, just v worried about making the right decision for the right reasons. Lot of my buried issues with guilt over perceived (?) neglect of twins (two to handle, which to pick up if either, or fairer to hold neither) have been brought up by this event. Plus have always felt bad for ds1 who had to grow up far too fast as was 2.2 when DT arrived.

OP posts:

IamGluezilla · 27/11/2013 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleCrumples · 27/11/2013 11:04

hegthepod I had an unplanned 4th 11 months ago when dss were 9 and 7 and dd1 was 4. As someone else said its actually quite nice to be just me and baby in the day whilst dc at schiool. Its harder now as she is everywhere but i have lots of wiling helpers.

Although i was terrified having a 4th and it was all so unplanned i wouldn't change a thing now :)

Good luck and i hope everything works out for you

Mattissy · 27/11/2013 11:41

I don't think they're particularly big age gaps tbh, there's 5 years between me and DSis and 4 years between my dc's. It's normal for me. Everyone gets along well too.

Also, I'm 46 and it won't occur to me to be embarrassed if I suddenly got pg. I'd be devastated but not embarrassed, lol!

HawtChocolate · 27/11/2013 11:47

You dont need to feel embarrassed...just let the dust settle and work out whats the best way forward for you and your family.

A close friend has just had her fourth at 42 yrs old. Her older three are 8, 11 and 14. Very unexpected, and she had huge wobbles in the first trimester, but she has a (gorgeous!) 12 week old baby girl now, and the entire family is in love with her.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. X

Helpbeenstupid · 27/11/2013 12:01

I don't think you have big age gaps. I have an 8 , 7 and 6 month old. I've just found out I'm pregnant with an unplanned (map failure) 4th.

We aren't continuing with the pregnancy as we can't afford another and because we have the opposite problem of a super small age gap. I'm still not 100 per cent it's the right decision but I would feel the same either way.

If it helps my age gap is great all 3 children are getting on so well. The older two have really taken to the baby

insanityscratching · 27/11/2013 12:26

My fifth child was very unplanned. My older four were 16,14,10 and 8. I was devastated and cried every day of my pregnancy. Dh told my dc and his parents when I was 26 weeks because I just couldn't say the words without crying. I had told dsis at 14 weeks but swore her to secrecy. I told no one else and nobody asked.
Dd was born three days overdue, it was a surprise to everyone, I got asked "whose baby?" repeatedly.
Dd has been an absolute blessing, she is adored by her siblings, I have loved every minute of her childhood so far, probably appreciating it more because she is definitely the last and also because it has been so easy as I usually have pairs. I look back at all those tears and think I was mad tbh.
Hope everything goes well for you all.

SicknSpan · 03/12/2013 11:00

How are you getting on OP?

I am with the others that don't think this is a big age gap at all. I may be slightly biased though as I'm am pg with our unplanned dc3, already have 2 ds aged 9 and 5. I'm am very pro choice in regards to termination, and truly believe that as women we have the right to choose whether to continue with any pregnancy, so my thoughts below are framed by this- no agenda of trying to sway you either way!

You mention being worried about upsetting the balance of the family- I'd say that there are always going to be changes in other respects (eg work/life arrangements, school settings, friendships and so on) and for you existing dc this will not be upsetting. Likely far from it- my two are so ridiculously excited about us having a new baby in the family that it's made me realise how much love they are capable of and I am immensely proud of their attitude already. I'm only 14 weeks! So I wouldn't worry about how your dc will be affected.

Just my two penn'orth :)

Strongecoffeeismydrug · 03/12/2013 19:00

I'm having very unplanned number 3 and believe me your age gaps are tiny .
My eldest is 18 , Middle one is 9 and new one due February .

Irishmammybread · 03/12/2013 22:47

I'm 45 ,have 3 DC, 20,14 and 10 and am 19.5 weeks pregnant. LO is due the week after DS's 21st birthday, how's that for an age gap!
Some friends think we're mad but this baby will be very loved, the older siblings are very excited (well the DDs are anyway!) and we're looking forward to the new chapter in family life!

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