Help! Starting to doubt my decision to have a termination :(

[CoffeeQueen187]

I got caught pregnant from a stupid one night stand with an old friend I've known for years (you may remember my thread from the other day)

I decided to terminate as I'm a single parent with 3 children already and have no intentions of being in a relationship with the guy I'm pg to.

Only now, I'm starting to really doubt my decision . I've been fighting back tears all day, I feel horrible and extremely guilty for even thinking of having an abortion. I don't think I can go through with it. But at the same time I don't know if ill cope with 4 children on my own. I don't know what to do :(

I'm booked in for Thursday to start the termination process but feel like I'll get there and refuse to do it.

Sorry if this post is all over the place, my head and feelings are all over the place too :( is it normal to feel like this? I was so adamant a few days ago that I was definately doing it only now I'm not sure

I think it would be unusual to not have any feelings about your decision wait her way. Perhaps it's a bad day and you'll feel differently in the morning? It sound like you might need some counselling about it before Thursday.

Hugs op I've just had a termination for hyperemesis and have had a thread asking for help. How you are feeling is perfectly normal. I went from one extreme to the other right up until my termination.

You might find it helpful to see if your GP or the clinic your appointment is at can offer any emergency counselling. You can change your mind even at the last minute if you want to.

I don't want to project how I feel onto you but if you want to ask anything about the termination itself (i had a medical termination) or hand holding then I'm here. I've had loads of great advice and support here and you will too.

I'm glad there are others here more experienced to advise but I feel for you so much and just want to give my support and hope you are ok. Is there anyone you look up to and trust you could talk to about this who knows you? I wish you were my neighbour as I'd tell you to have the baby and we could share any practical burdens as it must feel daunting. We live in west London. Do you think you could live the baby an unlimited amount however hard the burden of managing so much? And do your children know?
Try to stay calm as you think through and lean on anyone trustworthy you can

Thanks for your replies

Tevin - I'll be having a medical too if I do go through with it

Looseleaf - my sister knows about it but she's adamant the termination is for the best. But I kind of feel she's biased (?). Everytime I talk about it she changes the subject. I would tell the rest of my family but I know what their reactions will be :( not to the termination, but to me being pg in the first place

Only you know yourself.
I know that another child would push me over the edge and then I'd be a crap mum to 4 kids not the 3 I have got.
However, you might be stronger than me.
If none of the reasons have changed then perhaps it's last minute nerves.
Can you ring a counselling help line. Doesn't have to be abortion specific .Something like the Samaritans?

Coffequeen I would encourage you to talk to someone. If your family aren't supportive have you a close friend? It helped me to talk to friends and family just because they know your real life and your limits.
Continuing a pregnancy or not is hard but easier with support.
Just so you know you can make the right decision for you and no one has the right to judge. The doctors and nurses won't at all (something I worried about!). Either choice you make is valid and your choice.
xx

I didn't realise there was emergency councilling, I always presumed it was a long waiting list unless there was a suicide attempt or something.

I do have a friend I can talk to, I'll have to wait untill Monday though when all out kids are in school, don't want my sons to hear anything. I'll invite her round for a brew.

It depends in your healthcare authority. I was offered some within the same week.

It might help to make a list of things you need to go ahead with the pregnancy. I found it helped me to be able to focus on the few really important things; everyone has different priorities and I think listing them helps to focus your decision.

I hope I'm being helpful here but a poster on my thread said you expect that if termination is right for you then you will feel relieved but life is more complex than that. So don't write off a lack of relief as meaning termination is wrong for you. It has taken me a while to start feeling the positives, despit knowing them, but I am slowly remembering the very valid reasons for my termination and starting to leave behind the guilt, grief and sadness.

I hope you can find some support and please keep talking if you need to.

Thanks for the support tevin

I don't know why I'm feeling the way I am, I've known I'm pg for nearly 2 weeks, I've been for the scan to see how far I am, I've discussed my options with the nurses and I've booked in to start the termination. I would've started it Thursday just gone but wasn't able to come back on the Saturday. So far I've been fine and strangely calm and comfortable about the whole thing. Just this morning I started to feel guilty and horrible for even considering it :(

I haven't been offered any councelling at all so far. My GP wouldn't let me get a word in edge ways when I went and ask for a termination, and the nurse at hospital seemed to want me out of her room ASAP. She just told me I could have a surgical or medical, explained what they were then told me to come back next week. The only person I've spoken to really is my sister but she keeps changing the subject too

I think a lot of the feelings are hormones. I struggled with the decision despite knowing my life was at risk. I also think people don't know what to say so avoid it. A good friend who will support you either way is good to have.

The GP and nurse sound awful. I found the nurse who did my scan very brusque and dismissive but the doctors and nurses who I met on the ward were fantastic and really understanding.
I think it's standard in an nhs hospital to offer counselling although I gather you need to book it as soon as you can. I booked an appointment thinking I wouldn't need it and am glad I have. Can you see a different GP to ask for counselling?

Don't feel guilty though. You can only do so much and if this pregnancy and another child would be too much for you then that's ok you are allowed to say no I don't want this. Equally if you decide you do want to continue then that's ok too. My GP said you can only make what you think is the best decision at the time. That's true, sometimes it's hard to know which is the right decision but you can only do your best and that's enough.

I hope this is helpful as I don't want to persuade you either way but you sound like I did, as if you need someone else to look at your decision and tell you not to feel guilty, it's ok not to continue with a pregnancy you don't want/feel you can cope with. x

Thank you tevin ??

You really are helping. Just by telling me it's ok to say no. A 4th child, as much as I'd love another, would push me over the edge, especially as I'm a single parent. I have a 7yo with SEN, a 4yo and an 11mo and they're a handful as it is. I can either be a good mum to 3 children or a crap mum to 4.

I know in my head that I'm doing the right thing by going through with a termination, but in my heart I feel so guilty :( it's hard to chose between the two.

I think I'll have the termination. I know its whats best for me and my children. I do want another child, but not untill I'm in a stable relationship and my other children are older.

It's such an emotive time coffee and I think doubt is normal. If you have a termination booked then you have options; it's ok to change your mind or rebook the termination for later if you need to and equally it's ok to go ahead as planned. I had mine brought forward as I was struggling with fluids and for me it's allowed me to heal quicker and sooner.

I think there is always going doubt, grief and guilt even afterwards. I'm beginning to feel better and although I'm still sad and feeling guilty, my life and my family's life is already so much better than it would have been. I think if my youngest had been older i'd have been able to do more for the hyperemesis but I couldn't so I chose to give myself and my children the best I can now. People advised me to do what was right for me as I have to live with the termination but I couldn't as I would also have to live with the guilt of seriously endangering my life and seeing my children watch that so I took the option that caused least guilt. You know, it's ok to do that; to do what is the slightly easier of 2 hard choices.

I hope your friend offers the support you need. Please keep talking as much as you need to. We are here to listen xx

I have health issues when pregnant too, nothing like hypermesis though, that must be awful :(

I end up with recurring UTIs and so have to be on low dose anti biotics through the whole pregnancy, I suffer with PUPPP when pregnant and I am also at high risk of blood clots so have to self inject Clexane every single day too. It's not nice.

I didn't even think about my health issues when considering a termination though, I don't know why. I was thinking more of whether I'd be able to cope, which I don't think I will. I don't think itd be fair on my children to end up struggling with them because I'd had another baby

Hi coffee I hope you got to talk to your friend today and have now some real life support.

Hi tevin, I've started the termination process. I have to go back in tomorrow for the 2nd lot of tablets/pessaries or whatever they're going to use.

I still feel guilty though, but, I know I'm doing it for the right reasons so I'm ok with it. I think it's probably normal to feel a little guilty I suppose.

I spoke to my friend, turns put she had a termination a few years back too and was very supportive and said she'd help in any way she can no matter what I decided to do. Which was really comforting, to be honest I didn't think anyone cared about me that much.

Hardest part of it all is my brothers girlfriend thinks she may be pregnant, she would've conceived around the same time I did. She keeps messaging me asking me all kinds of questions and (understandably) getting very excited. I'm happy for them, I really am, especially as this'll be their first child and my first nephew/niece, it just feels a bit rubbed in my face. I know they're not doing it on purpose as they don't know I'm pregnant never mind not going through with it. It's just hard to hear.

Thanks again for letting me ramble on. It feels better to get it all off my chest, even if it is to an Internet forum full of lovely strangers

Oh coffee ((hugs)) I hope you're not in too much discomfort. You are a much better person than me; when I came home from having the pessaries my friend came to visit to tell me of her pregnancy (she's a few weeks further on than I would have been) and I really struggled not to scream at her I have found it si hard to act normally around her and my sister who recently told me she is ttc #3.

I'm really glad that your friend has been a support. I was quite upset thinking of you not having support.

You can talk as much as you want/need to. I found mumsnet a lifeline- talking to people who understood was really useful. I think you're right that the guilt never goes but hopefully it gets easier to live with and all any if us can do is our best and it's not always easy. You are a really brave, strong woman and your children are lucky to have you.

I hope tomorrow is quick and easy for you. Take lots of sanitary towels and comfy clothes and be kind to yourself and have a few easy days (as much as you can!) Xx

Well, it's all over. I think I'm in shock though. I saw it when it passed which was devastating :(. I don't feel anything though today, I don't feel guilty or relieved or upset or angry or anything, I don't know what I feel really.

My sister was supposed to stay overnight with me but decided to go to the pub with her friends instead. She left me with my 3 children and her kitten, which is currently clawing its way through my leather couch as I type.

I think I just need to get through today and have a good nights sleep, hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

Hi coffee I hope you're feeling better today. I think shock is a normal reaction. It might have been your decision to have a termination but it's not always easy especially if you felt pushed into it by circumstances and I think it takes a while to sink in.

Are you able to have any counselling? I've found it really helpful so far (I've stopped crying myself to sleep and am starting to forgive myself).

Sending lots of (((hugs))) and hoping you're ok. X