very early temination - help.

[anonymity72]

I really did not want to post here but can't see where else to put this. I am so very sorry to be posting this when I know how much others have wanted children so badly.

I am 40 yrs old and on maternity leave with my 2nd child, DS, who is 8m old. I also have DD who is almost 4.
DP and I are delighted with our family, we are very happy and although not looking forward to going back to work in October, I know I have to as I am the main earner.

It took us over a yr to conceive DD and 7m to conceive DS (with DD there was a point I thought I was infertile) and I started using charting temps to detect when I ovulated. It was successful and after DS we have successfully used it as a form of contraception with no problem.

This month though, the day my period was due (Saturday), my temps shot up and have stayed up and no period. I took a pregnancy test this morning and I am pregnant.
I am shocked and terrified and feel so very stupid and irresponsible. There was no indication that when DP and I had sex that I was ovulating - my body failed me and I was arrogant enough to believe I knew what I was doing.

We simply cannot afford another baby and had never ever planned to have another one. I earn almost £50k and so I have to work otherwise the mortgage doesn't get paid. I cannot work part time (boss already turned me down). DP earns about £20k running his own business which he cannot do part time either.
Our child care costs for 2 will be £1,400 a month - more than our mortgage. We can manage it for a year (DD starts school next yr) but only cos we've saved up, but having 2 in nursery for 3 years or so is literally unaffordable. We would have to sell the house (some are taking months to sell and ours needs some work which we can't afford just yet and we'd have to buy a smaller house, new car (can't afford) and I couldn't take more than 10 wks on mat leave cos we can't afford the drop to SMP - for DS we saved for a year to afford it).

I also had a simply horrendous delivery with DS which ended up with a GA crash c-section and my care was so appalling we are suing the hospital. I couldn't go through that again. i am simply terrified of anything medical, especially midwives now.

So, I have to have a termination. Now I keep trying to convince myself this set of cells was never meant to be but I feel so guilty and scared. I know we can't do it but it still feels like a terrible thing to do. I keep picturing DD running around and skipping and thinking I am about to destroy a life like this.
I have rung BPAS who can do an early medical termination with pill and pessary on the NHS is a get a letter from my doctor.

I will go to see my GP tomorrow but i feel just so pathetic and stupid - I never thought I'd get caught out at my age! It's also going to dominate the last few weeks of maternity leave, which is so unfair on my baby DS.

DP does not know yet - he is away with work. Thank you for reading, i just had to offload and feel so pathetic as when we were ttc, I was desperate for a positive test. To make matters worse, my sister's SIL has just been told she is infertile and will need donor eggs so I cannot tell her or anyone close really :(

Trills - the OP was using a method of contraception. It just wasn't as effective for her as she believed it to be.

Apologies.

I just meant that one accident/coincidence shouldn't be cause to regret all of the decisions that you have made in your life.

Sorry you find yourself in such a tough situation :(

One thing I'm concerned about is that you seem to be quite far along in the decision making process without the input of your DP. Isn't it possible that he'll feel quite shocked and upset that you've gone to the GP and pretty much made your mind up without listening to what he has to say? If I were in his position I would be absolutely gobsmacked that my partner would decide not to go ahead with a pregnancy without talking to me about it first. Do you think he'll be in favour of the termination?

Trills I've put it badly - i don't regret any of my decisions in the past and i don't wish DP earned more as that would mean he wasn't DP, but I guess what I mean is that if you want a large family, one parent has to stay at home or you need to earn shed loads to cover child care fees. I always thought I wanted 2 but to be very honest, would I keep this baby if money was no object and we were millionaires? Yes, i would. I probably would too if I was a SAHM.
I know what I mean but can't put it into words. It seems to me so 'trivial'/selfish somehow to have a termination for money reasons - you almost feel you are doing it cos you don't want to give up sky or your fortnight abroad but for us, that is not the case at all. It could come down to us losing our home.

If I had met DP and, say, I worked for min wage, we'd have cut our cloth accordingly and giving up a few hundred pounds a month is more manageable than giving up over £3k a month. I should probably stop cos I do know what i mean in my own head. If DD ever says to me I want 4 or 5 children, then she would have to make different career choices to me.

And the comment about not telling DP until tonight - all i can say is that I know him and this is the way he will handle it best. I would never tell him over the phone as he panics if he's away from me with serious news. I pretty sure he'll be like me - sad but practical and if I present him with 'I've been to the GP and this is how we can go ahead with it, let's talk it through now and make sure we want this', he will be much 'happier' (wrong word) as I've taken the first step. I think deep down he will want a termination but he'll be afraid I don't.

He's due home soon.......gotta get kids in bed first.

Hope it went well with DP.

The only thing I wanted to say is to be certain that its not the trauma of your crash section that's making you want a termination- you could have an elective section if that is the case, which (I speak form experience) is very different and much more gentle. If that isn't the major factor then discount my post, but your last birth was very recent and you must still be recovering emotionally, give yourself space if you can to think how much of a factor that is-I hope that doesn't sound patronising, just it took me quite a while to contemplate another child after my dds birth, I was very scared. If its more that you really feel you don't want another child at all, then that's quite different, but either way , even though time is limited, don't rush the decision. Maybe your DH could give you some time away from the dcs to think and to be sure of just what is right for you. (disclaimer:-I have never had a termination, but I have had friends completely at peace with their choice to terminate, and friends who deeply regretted it, I think that being really sure you would be the former before you go ahead is the way to go, don't make a choice in a panic).

OP - to ask the question that doesn't seem to have been asked yet,do you want this baby? I know logistically, with work etc this seems like it's not workable, but putting this aside, do you want to keep it?

Hope the conversation went well.

Not been around as it was DS's christening yesterday so the whole weekend was manic.

I told DP on Friday night and, as I suspected, he was initially shocked but he was glad I had taken the first step of going to see the GP and he 100% agreed with me that we cannot continue with this pregnancy. I think like me, if money was no object, we would consider having the baby but he was also concerned about health implications. My section with DS was physically very traumatic and we were warned not to get pregnant again without talking to the hospital.
He is concerned how I am feeling but apart from that, supportive and in full agreement.

The question do i want this baby is a difficult one as I know myself and I adore being pregnant but tbh I really don't like babies. DD is almost 4 and is now a joy to be with. DS is 8m and whilst I love him with all my heart, I do look forward to the day when he becomes a little personality and have a conversation etc. So I have to be careful that I am not confusing my love of pregnancy with wanting another child.
I think hand on heart if circumstances were different I might want this baby but I cannot separate the fact that circumstance are what they are and to have another child would change our family in more ways than making us a party of 5. I like the fact we are 4, I like having one parent to one child and I do not want to make the DCs lives significantly harder with another child. I also cannot discount the fact that there is a good chance that we would not be able to pay the mortgage.

"I know logistically, with work etc this seems like it's not workable, but putting this aside"
but I simply cannot put this aside. I pay most of our bills and my career is not one open to reduced hrs. DP and my DCs rely on me for clothing, heating, food on the table etc.

Oh and the comment about section trauma - thanks for the thought but it is not that. I had a section with DD and that was extremely traumatic as I was v naive and part of the decision to have DS was a way to heal that. With DS, it ended up physically much much worse but I did everything I could to have a VBAC and so mentally I am not traumatised.

Anyhow, I have my first consultation with BPAS on Wed afternoon and hoping to have the termination on Monday.
Thank you for all your comments, most have been very helpful.

Thanks for coming back - it's good to hear that you are happy that you are making the right decision for your family.

I think that (nearly) everyone takes circumstances into account when they decide whether to have a(nother) baby - it's not just about "do I want one?" but also about "how would this fit into our lives?", and you shouldn't feel bad for realising that financial issues do affect how you feel about it.

Good to hear things are being sorted op.
X

Hello there I came back to look for you after reading something on the Daily Heil's website (don't judge me for reading it...) which suggests that you are so far from being alone in this situation and decision at your age / stage in life.
It must absolutely suck going through this with a young baby and damage from the recent section especially, I do hope that you book in something for you to look forward to in a few weeks so you have something to focus on and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Also, have you read the Caitlin Moran book "How to be a Woman"? there's an interesting chapter in there about how her decision to have a termination was easier to make than what sort of kitchen counters to get, and it's impact on your whole family unit that you consider, and you're doing the right thing for all of you. Sucks massively that you are the one who has to go through somethign so unpleasant on behalf of them all (which is however why you need a damn good treat to look forward to)

I'm glad you and dp were in agreement on how to proceed and I hope everything goes smothly for you at BPAS.

Best of luck OP. You sound like a lovely person. Your DCs and DH are very lucky.

Glad to hear you had a supportive conversation with your DP. And a more sympathetic GP second time round.

In an ideal world, there wound never be an unwanted pregnancy, contraception would never fail and noone would ever have to face hard decisions like yours. But that just ain't real, is it?
You do sound v together and I hope everything goes as well as it can go.
Good luck.

Flaming bloody nora. Well, I popped off to BPAS yesterday and they were very nice, did the scan and I am about 5.5 weeks. Then she took my blood pressure.... it was too high. I explained that I always give high readings in a medical setting and I have 'white coat' hypertension. In my last pregnancy the midwife came to take my blood pressure at home and I always gave low readings.
Sigh.
The nurse said I'm sorry, we have our rules and unless you give a lower reading, we can't treat you! Erm right, the most stressful thing I've ever done and you need a normal bp reading. Even NICE now say high bp should be confirmed with a 24 hr test. She said I could get a letter from my GP confirming I have white coat but even with that, they would still need a normalish reading. Otherwise, it's a hospital job.
They sent me away to think about it and their clinical services manager rang me and she suggested it would be better if BPAS did it and was there anyway I could get my bp down? As it happens, I do have some bp tablets that were prescribed to me in my last pregnancy but I never took cos the hospital would not be convinced that I have white coat (despite me giving normal readings at home and high in hospital).......so, do I take these to give me a lower reading? (incidentally, I have a home monitor checked by the midwife and last night I had a reading of 102 over 68. Any more normal??!! )

Anyway, i think I'll see my GP on Monday and see what he suggests. A hospital will be much more traumatic. I'm taking my bp reading everyday to show them how normal I am and hope for the best.

Nothing is ever easy is it? Thanks for all your really nice comments.

I would take the tabs and go back to bpas in a week or so...is that possible?

If you can, you should go back to BPAS. Everyone there is really nice. It's quick, efficient, and non emotional, which you won't find in a hospital.

Oh bugger, that's very annoyingly by-the-book of them.

I can understand why they can't just take people's words for it, it'd be awful if someone was given the pills, went home and was seriously ill, but it must be pretty common for people to have higher than usual readings in stressful circumstances.

The joys of treatment algorithms with no leeway/common-senseness, bane of my life, grrr. Sorry you have to deal with this added complication to everything.

These protocols of course are in place to make things as safe as possible.

What are the tablets you've got left from your prev pregnancy? Labetolol? If so, they are a beta blocker and quite good for 'nerves' as well...

Yes, they are labetalol so i will take them (can they harm me if I have normal bp and so wouldn't normally be taking them?).

I will phone bpas tomorrow and book an appt for next tuesday and throw myself at their mercy and offer to take my bp everyday this week with my home monitor.

Do you think it is worthwhile seeing my GP? I don't really know what he can do as I haven't had my bp taken there since last yr, so what can he do except give me a letter saying I didn't habe hogh bp in my last pregnancy? He might take my bp but I do give high readings in a medical setting so I'm a bit stuck.
The clock is ticking and I go away the 1st week in sept, then DS starts his settling in visits to nursery, so things might get difficult then and I really don't want to go to hospital!

Have you ever had a 24 hr Bp recording (cuff attached to you arm and a little recorder device you carry with you for 24 hrs)?
If you have, and it was normal, it would 'proved' that your high Bp is situational rather than persistant.

The flip side of that argument is of course, if your Bp is high in health care setting, then it is unlikely to be low while you are going through a termination (medical? surgical?) and the risks to your body are the same whether it is 'white coat hypertension' or 'plain old hypertension' IYKWIM.

I don't think taking the Labetolol would do any harm, certainly take it the night before and on the day of your next appointment.

And the saga continues........(I am never having sex again if it causes all this trauma).

I saw my lovely GP who was great. He took my bp 3 times and saw it came down over time and so he wrote me a letter to BPAS confirming I had white coat hypertension and there should be no problem having the termination at BPAS.
He faxed it over and even prescribed me a tranquilliser to calm me on the day.

I then get a call from BPAS saying that even with it, they would not treat me (so thanks for encouraging me to go to GP etc and waste my time) and so have referred me to the Liverpool Women's hospital (I'm in the north) who will see me tomorrow for another initial consultation but I can at least take DS with me. They have a good reputation but I fear I will have to have 2 further appts for tablets rather than do it on one day. I really don't want to have to take DS with me to further appts but I can only get childcare for one more day. Arrgghh.

Why is nothing in my life straight forward....... I am hoping to go in on Tuesday for the procedure so at least it should be sorted by next week and I can get on with my maternity leave.