very early temination - help.

[anonymity72]

I really did not want to post here but can't see where else to put this. I am so very sorry to be posting this when I know how much others have wanted children so badly.

I am 40 yrs old and on maternity leave with my 2nd child, DS, who is 8m old. I also have DD who is almost 4.
DP and I are delighted with our family, we are very happy and although not looking forward to going back to work in October, I know I have to as I am the main earner.

It took us over a yr to conceive DD and 7m to conceive DS (with DD there was a point I thought I was infertile) and I started using charting temps to detect when I ovulated. It was successful and after DS we have successfully used it as a form of contraception with no problem.

This month though, the day my period was due (Saturday), my temps shot up and have stayed up and no period. I took a pregnancy test this morning and I am pregnant.
I am shocked and terrified and feel so very stupid and irresponsible. There was no indication that when DP and I had sex that I was ovulating - my body failed me and I was arrogant enough to believe I knew what I was doing.

We simply cannot afford another baby and had never ever planned to have another one. I earn almost £50k and so I have to work otherwise the mortgage doesn't get paid. I cannot work part time (boss already turned me down). DP earns about £20k running his own business which he cannot do part time either.
Our child care costs for 2 will be £1,400 a month - more than our mortgage. We can manage it for a year (DD starts school next yr) but only cos we've saved up, but having 2 in nursery for 3 years or so is literally unaffordable. We would have to sell the house (some are taking months to sell and ours needs some work which we can't afford just yet and we'd have to buy a smaller house, new car (can't afford) and I couldn't take more than 10 wks on mat leave cos we can't afford the drop to SMP - for DS we saved for a year to afford it).

I also had a simply horrendous delivery with DS which ended up with a GA crash c-section and my care was so appalling we are suing the hospital. I couldn't go through that again. i am simply terrified of anything medical, especially midwives now.

So, I have to have a termination. Now I keep trying to convince myself this set of cells was never meant to be but I feel so guilty and scared. I know we can't do it but it still feels like a terrible thing to do. I keep picturing DD running around and skipping and thinking I am about to destroy a life like this.
I have rung BPAS who can do an early medical termination with pill and pessary on the NHS is a get a letter from my doctor.

I will go to see my GP tomorrow but i feel just so pathetic and stupid - I never thought I'd get caught out at my age! It's also going to dominate the last few weeks of maternity leave, which is so unfair on my baby DS.

DP does not know yet - he is away with work. Thank you for reading, i just had to offload and feel so pathetic as when we were ttc, I was desperate for a positive test. To make matters worse, my sister's SIL has just been told she is infertile and will need donor eggs so I cannot tell her or anyone close really :(

First of all have a big hug. This is a crap situation to be in but it happens to a lot of people. A huge number of married women with dcs find themselves exactly where you are. It sounds like you've made your choice for sound reasons and yes go and see your GP but you do need to talk this through with DP before you make final decisions. The other thing you'll need to do is use different contraception in the future so it would be worth talking to him about that too - not immediately but soon - because given your age and situation I'm thinking that a vasectomy might be the way to go?
No getting away from it, this is going to be a horrible time for you but assuming you and DP are in agreement about the choice then you will get through this together. Don't look at your children and think of this in terms of them, you'll just torment yourself for no purpose. You are only in the very early stages of pregnancy. Nobody can tell you if this will or won't be happen but if it helps consider that a positive test does not mean a live birth. Lots of people will miscarry or lose babies later in pregnancy. Nothing is certain in pregnancy. I think a lot of women struggle with termination because it seems like ending a life. For me (and I'm a practicing Christian btw) it isn't that. It's ending a potential but nothing is certain and life is complicated. Life is complicated and hard and things happen that we wish hadn't happened and you just have to do the best you can. You have sound reasons - for your welfare and that of your family - to choose to end this pregnancy. Don't torture yourself.

I was going to reply but Northernlurker has said everything I was going to say. You sound very certain that you do not want another child and that is (IMO) all the reason you need to have a termination. Other people's fertility issues won't be helped by you having a pregnancy you don't want. You don't have to feel guilty.

Best of luck, hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your maternity leave nonetheless.

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it.

I am racked with guilt though as whilst this baby was never meant to be, if I was a SAHM or earned a small salary, DP and I would have cut our cloth accordingly and we could consider a 3rd child.
I think cos I'm 40, this feels like my last chance but I know we simply cannot keep it and keep a roof over our heads.
I have a GP appointment tomorrow morning and will ask to be referred to BPAS. I couldn't go to the hospital that I had my DC at. It's a male doctore, the female one is off, which I was hoping to see.

As an aside, it got me thinking - do I tell DD if she reaches for the sky career-wise, she'd better earn a shed load of money to pay for a nanny or be with a man who earns a lot more than her if she wants a family. If she wants lots of kids, then just go and work for the local supermarket. It'll be easier.

anonity I'm feeling so sad for you, having to make the decision must be so very hard. I know its hard not to be hightly emotional but you have to consider the effects of a pregnancy on your whole family and their life in the future if you chose to go ahead. it's not for me to say whether you should have a termination but I can see why it seems the best way out of a difficult situation , but you really must think things through thoroughly and discuss everything with your dh if you are going to get through this.

Sympathies here too.
Difficult situation with no 'easy' way out.

Tell your DP, make appointment to see your GP for a referral or contact BPAS.

The only word of caution from me (who counsels woman post-termination): just be sure you are making whatever decision you ultimately make for the right reasons. For you. For your family.
Having an unwanted child is a horrible thing to inflict on you/the child/your family.
Deciding to have a termination you don't really want, but are having out of a sense of obligation, can come back to bite you many, many years later.

Much love. Have chocolate. I hope you find lots of support, love and understanding in RL to help you through this.

Northernluker, btw I think I luff you

I had an unplanned third pregnancy and was terrified. It was the worst thing ever. I briefly researched termination, but knew I could not do it. In the end I miscarried. At first i felt lucky, like i had dodged a bullet. But after a time the guilt that i had wished fort the pregnancy to end crashed down on me and i was very unwell with depression and severe guilt for about two years afterwards. In time I got better, but resent the two years wasted of my children's lives.

What I am trying to say is that if you do choose to end your pregnancy (or like in my case the pregnancy ended itself) then it is not going to just be over. You need to be prepared for how strongly you will feel afterwards. I was totally startled by this and it was further compounded by not telling people as I felt I did not deserve sympathy.

One of the reasons I did not want to have another baby was that I did not want to be stuck in baby world for another two years. In the end I was stuck anyway.

Make whatever decision you feel you can live with, but ask for plenty of help too starting with telling your dh. You need lots of support, I know how scared and foolish you must feel right now. I felt that too. I really am sending you lots of love, but you definitely need some RL help too.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP.

Northernlurker - what a lovely, clear-eyed, compassionate post.

Agree with everyone urging you to seek support and not to be too hard on yourself - whatever your decision.

Oh FFS. Dropped DD off at nursery and got an appt with GP at 9.30am. Steeled myself, deep breaths etc and as soon as I told him, he said he would have to stop me as he doesn't refer for terminations.
I managed to get another appt at 3.20 today but I feel so upset as I'd built myself up to doing it and I just felt so judged by him.

Thanks for all the comments btw, I think deep down if things were different I would keep the baby but the stark reality is, things are not different and I have to have a termination for the sake of my family (and that includes me as part of that family). So I'm doing it for myself and for my children as whilst money is not the be all and end all, the current economic climate and my earnings mean we might end up homeless with a 3rd child cos we can't pay the mortgage and at the moment I doubt we could sell this house. I would also have to go back to work after 14 weeks of maternity leave as that is how long I get full pay for as we have no savings left. I have a company car which isn't due to be changed for 2.5 yrs but will not fit 3 car seats in the back and we can't afford to buy a separate car and I couldn't do drop offs on the way to work.
And that's before we've even looked at childcare costs - once DD is at school, i reckon we'll need to find about £700 a month which we can manage (just). With a baby, you are looking at over £1,200 a month in total which is just not possible and pay the mortgage.

So - I am envious of those for whom either money is not an issue or one parent does not work and so don't have childcare costs.

Northernlurker thanks for your clear view. I am so angry at myself for letting this happen and for it getting in the way of my last few weeks of mat leave.

Op I'm glad my post was helpful to you (and Pacific I luff you too!)

That's very frustrating re the GP. Don't feel judged by him though. You have no space in your head to worry about what he thinks. It's not important. Just start again with this afternoon's appointment.

Be kind to yourself.

When does DP get home?

northernlurker gives very sound advice throughout. Just wanted to add that i have had a termination (2 in fact) and had no major depression following it. I presumed I would because of the way things are portrayed in the media and because i've always wanted kids, but I put my non-depression partly down to the fact that I was absolutely sure of my decision before going through with it. If things had been different i would not have had a termination but they weren't so i did.

It also helps to think of it as a decision for both of you and not just bear the brunt yourself. Dh wanted both terminations whereas I struggled more with the decision. By the end we were both in agreement. Definitely talk to your dh, during our three hour discussion (number two the baby had downs) i was in favour of keeping the baby but dh not, i talked him round and in the process realised that I was relieved he wanted to terminate the pregnancy. A lot of the decision was for practical reasons like being able to afford it, how our other children would be affected, whether we would still be together with a stress like that on our family. Wouldn't it be nice if those things didn't matter? but they are very important to me.

I also let myself grieve for the babies I didn't have even though I chose not to have them. Didn't think that would be the case but I think a bit of guilt and sadness is pretty healthy. Then I got on with my life and appreciated those children I could have - tried to appreciate them more in fact.

I would get another gp practice. I didn't know they could make judgements like that and I think it's wrong frankly.

So sorry for you op. Make sure you do what is right for you and your family and eat loads of chocolate. x

I can only offer my sympathies that you are in this position and say I would be in the same position if it happened to me. I have two DSs, age 1 and 3, I am the main breadwinner, and our childcare fees are extortionate too, around £1,600 per month at the moment. You are right that you need to consider your existing family (including yourself); sitting in the same financial boat, I can see why you feel as you do. ((hugs))

Sorry to hear you got less than a sympathetic response .
The dr you saw is under no obligation to refer you, but he does have a duty of care to make sure you see somebody who can help you.
Ignore Dr Dufus.

I really hope you found your second appointment more constructive.
And also wish you a good conversation with your DP.
Don't be too angry with yourself - I agree a bit of accepting that there are learning points to be taken from this experience is fine, but don't beat yourself up too much.

Best of luck.

bless you OP, i feel for you. please dont feel guilty, you are doing what is right for you and your family for the right reasons.

talk it through throughly, be sure, and do what ever you need to do. In your position i would do the same. i am 40, my youngest is 15, i could not possibly afford to do it all again for a whole host of reasons.

i hope your doctor this afternoon was more supportive.

NL post was spot on, sympathetic and sensible. do what is in your heart, and you wont go wrong what ever that is.
good luck OP.

Hi. I had a termination at 14 weeks when I was 22 as it took that long to get it signed off and to get an appointment & I had to go private. I still believe it was the right thing to do and have never felt any guilt about it at all. The reasons were mostly financial. At the time my mum also admited to me she'd had a termination in her early 40's she said it was because she was so happy with us she didn't want anything to change. It made me respect her even more. I had a lot of grief from so called friends who didn't agree with my choice and I never even told the father but it was my choice and yes I'm having trouble TTC now but it's a seperate issue. I agree with all the comments re tying to think of it as cells and a potential life rather than a baby. This will sound harsh too but if you are 100% sure the quicker it's done the easier it will be to deal with. Thinking of you. You don't need to justify your choices.

How're you doing now OP?

Thank you all for your replies (and for the incredibly supportive private messages from some too). It has really really helped me.

I saw a lovely GP yesterday who confirmed (sods law) that out of the 4 gps in my practice, 2 are catholics and i chose one of themfor my first appt. They should tell you these things shouldn't they ?

The 2nd gp said it was none of his business and he did not consider a 6 week old embryo to be a human being. In our area it is standard to refer me to BPAS and they take it from there. He did say that I have to have a consultation first and then make a 2nd appt to go through with it, which is tricky as I reckon I can get childcare for one day but will struggle for more than one. BPAS website suggests you can go in first thing for a discussion and scan (ugghh) and then take the tablets then go back 6 hrs later for the pessary (as i'm under 9 weeks I can do the pill/pessary and be at home), so I'll call them to see what they can do.

DP gets home tomorrow. We've talked on the phone but i've not said anything cos he's a worrier. I'll tell him tomorrow night. Thing is, it's DS's christening on sunday so we'll have the whole family round and it'll be so busy. I'm worried DP will panic, especially as he can't really take time off atm, so I'll be going to bpas on my own but i think that's better.

I really have made my mind up and had a large glass of wine tonight and didn't feel guilty, so hoping it's a good sign. I'm pretty resilient, though my c-section scar has already started to ache - i suspect cos it was so huge and it's only 8 months since the op and my uterus is already beginning to stretch. I can't believe this time last yr I was 6months pregnant and I'm pregnant again. arrgghh it is sinking in.

I think you're being very strong. Thank goodness for a helpful GP.
I hope your discussion with DP goes well but it's a huge stress for you both and it's probably going to be quite tough, especially as he will be a few days behind you in processing the news. So if it's at all possible I would suggest telling him, give him a bit of time alone to think it through and then talk. Will be thinking of you.

I agree you are being very strong and it's a great help you saw a decent doc in the end other than Dr Dufus! Anyway just thought I'd mention that I only had my 2nd consult at the clinic prior to the procedure. And at the scan They place the screen so you can't see it. They need to do this to be 100% with the dates. I would have preferred to have done it that way but was too late. Just do whatever feels right for you and your family and trust your instinct.

hello anon it's good that you have really made your mind up, unlucky to hit one of the Catholic GPs but glad your second visit was more helpful. Agree with northern about telling your DP sooner if you can, so he has a chance to process.

On the practicalities: looking at Marie Stopes and BPAS websites it does suggest it can all be done in one day. On the other hand it's hard to know how long it will take to have effect at home - it might be the day after the second appointment. If you can only get one day childcare, it might be worth considering a surgical termination - you spend a bit longer at the clinic but once you leave it's all done. Just a suggestion and BPAS can advise you better than me I'm sure.

Best of luck x

I don't have anything very much to add, but good luck, I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

Good luck op xxxx
Thinking of you

tell DD if she reaches for the sky career-wise, she'd better earn a shed load of money to pay for a nanny or be with a man who earns a lot more than her if she wants a family. If she wants lots of kids, then just go and work for the local supermarket. It'll be easier.

I disagree with this though.

A career is more than just something to do until you have children.

You having a well-paid job has allowed you to have the children that you chose to have and to live (with them) in the style you are used to.

If your DH had the same job he has now, and you "worked for the local supermarket", what part of your life would be better?

I mean to say that one accident shouldn't make you regret all of your previous life choices (apart perhaps from the choice not to use contraception).