considering a termination - is it ever right?

[emptycloud]

i'm posting this here because i didnt want to post it in a pregnancy forum

basically i have found myself pregnant after my pill failed, im 7 weeks and i am seriously considering a termination. i was in shock at first and after the initial shock went i was ok about things but i just can't stop worrying about my health in pregnancy.

in my family there is a nasty inherited disease that can cause death and pregnancy complications roughly 1 in 7 death rate in pregnancy, its a vascular disease and there is no way of knowing if i have it until something ruptures. the disease is a 50% chance of being passed on, average age to die from it is 48 im nearly 30.

im worried sick about leaving my 3y/o ds without anyone, he is sen and would go in care if im not around, this baby's dad i we have fallen out but he knows about the pregnancy and is supportive but we don't make a good relationship but i can be a single mum that no longer worries me its these health troubles.

am i wrong to terminate a pregnancy for this reason alone?

You're not wrong to terminate a pregnancy for any reason at all but protecting your existing much loved child from the possibility of losing his mum at a young age is an extremely good reason.

I would go and see someone as soon as possible because it's a much quicker and easier process early in the pregnancy.

Sorry you're going through this

I think only you can make that decision. Have you takes to your gp about this?

Talked even.

Seconding Dowager

A 1 in 7 death rate in pregnancy sounds very high.

Is there an association related to the disease that could offer specialist counselling?

Best of luck

i wasn't even given the name of the condition i get checked for i only knew the symptoms and hall markers when i left the hospital... its rare and i think the website to do with it is american.

im going to the gp today

If it is a genetic disease couldn't you have genetic screening for it? This is quite aside from the termination question, because that seems like a dreadful burden to have to carry

The problem with asking a question like this on the internet is that there will be people who will turn up on the thread for whom abortion is never right. They do not have a monopoly on truth, it is their opinion and that is all.

I worry though that as you're feeling vulnerable you'll pay more attention to those views than those of other people who will tell you it is your own decision and that your current role as a mother to an SEN child is something which rightly is your main concern. I think counselling would be helpful - just make sure you go to a non-directive counsellor - there are organisations which say they offer pregnancy advice but which in fact exist to dissuade you from terminations.

It's your decision, but I don't think you're wrong to be considering it, I would probably be thinking the same in your situation.

It sounds like you need to get some good medical advice about this condition and what your options are. I'm not clear from your posts whether you have the disease yourself or are a known carrier for it, or just worried due to family history. I hope the GP can help, or refer you appropriately.

If you really have a 1 in 7 chance of dying during the pregnancy I'm certain it'll be no problem getting a termination approved, and none but the most extremist pro-life types would criticise you for it!

Terminations are rarely undertaken lightly and I'm sure you will think hard about the right decision for you. Fwiw I think your reasons are perfectly valid. I don't believe you need a horrendous litany of reasons to justify a termination, if you can't have a baby, for whatever reason, then don't. Termination is free, legal and safe for a reason.

Yes, sometimes it is right.

Every woman should have the right to choose whether to continue with a pregnancy or not, whatever her circumstances.

It's a horrible situation to be in and I hope whatever you choose things work out okay for you.

DowagersHump put it well, I totally agree.

"Is it ever right?"

Yes, it is often right, and often in cases where there is no more chance of injury or illness (or death) than any other pregnancy.

I am pro-choice always have been and will be, your situation sounds dreadful. I hope that you get all the support you need, having a termination is probably the hardest thing any woman will every have to do, but and it's a big but, you will get through it if this is what you decide is besy. Talk to your Gp and there are many counselling services available to you, just Google.

I hope you are okay, it hurts but sometimes it is the right option. If you want to talk I would be happy to lend an ear.

regarding the medical condition, its rare and when i went to see a consultant about it, he said most people are diagnosed at death, in my family we can only trace back 3 generations, 5 deaths definitely from this great grand parent, grand parent and 2 great uncle's, parent, there is no carrier gene you either have it or you don't 50% of getting it and i weren't offered any genetic testing just checks to see if i have any associated problems. i was told i'm "lucky" they rarely get a patient who they can monitor they are normally very ill when they come to them.

i may not have the disease this is the hard thing, i generally live my life as i dont but this situation is different, the actual odds are 15% so roughly 1 in 7 its really difficult and i wish i had asked for counselling when i first found out about the condition, i werent offered anything though.

i know the babys dad would support me and the baby through pregnancy but if i choose to terminate he will be absolutely destroyed and im worried about him causing trouble for me but i know in my heart i think i've made my decision whats best for me and ds. think i'll text him tonight and tell him theres some complications we need a chat about things and take it from there, think i might get my friend round though just incase he kicks off

thanks

Does he know about your condition?

emptycloud you need to get some good advice about the medical condition. The first and most important thing is to get the name of it, so you can find out more information about it in case that helps you with your decision.

I think you have a very tough dilemma. First thing you need to do is see your gp and find out exactly what this condition you may have is-I am a little bemused that you havent made more of an effort to find out more information about it yourself considering that it it may be fatal?.

Once you are armed with the proper facts then you will be able to make a more informed choice.

I think the very first thing you should figure out is whether you want a child at all.

You were not TTC, it was an accident. If you don't want to be pregnant then that alone is a good enough reason to terminate in my book. You say the your ex would be supportive, but that you have fallen out and don't make a good couple. If you have a baby with him you will have a relationship with him for life.

If you realise that you do want a baby, then you need to consider the complications and medical issues and get as much information as you can.

I think there are two issues here. The first is that you have an unplanned pregnancy with someone that you are no longer in a relationship with, and the second is your potential medical condition. Many people would terminate a pregnancy with only one of these factors.

None of us can tell you what to do. If you have seen a consultant about this condition, then your GP will have the details of what the condition is. He or she will be able to refer you back to a specialist for further tests, and it should be quick - pregnant women are normally prioritised. If you seeing a consultant for annual check ups, even better because you will already be in the system. Did you know about the condition during your first pregnancy?

It's probably a good idea to go back and ask for genetic testing, whatever the outcome of your pregnancy, rather than having this uncertainty hanging over you. If you need hand holding for your decision, MN will be here for you.

To be honest I don't think many women would go through with a pregnancy that they had a 15% chance of dying from, regardless of anything else.

At under 9 weeks you can still have a medical rather than surgical termination if that makes it seem less scary.

I might get flamed for this but:

While I am always in favour of discussing a termination with your partner if possible, if he is going to "kick off" "make trouble for you" and be abusive, IMO you are well within your rights to keep your decision to yourself and tell him you miscarried.

This situation is difficult enough without adding an abusive partner to your burden.

Agree with Dowager'sHump on this one

Also what TonyDanza said.

hi, sorry i've been shakey on the details but with it being rare i dont want anyone noticing me on here bit paranoid i know!

i do know the name of the condition but i had to find it out for myself, i've only ever seen a consultant twice about it it was just a case of we will check you every so often for complications from it and that was it! if it wasn't for my GP i wouldn't have recieved certain care in my last pregnancy and i wouldnt know what it was she mentioned a different form of the condition, i googled it then it came up with the different types and i found the one in my family, there is several hallmarkers for it and i have quite a few.

my minds all over the place tbh, i should be seeing the midwife tomorrow, i've left her a message to ring me back i just cant face booking in and getting green notes :( trying to get a gps appointment is proving difficult, after the one who knows my family history... i keep looking at my son and i know what i've got to do :(

Hi, emptycloud Do what you need to do for you and your little boy. It is your decision, and only the most heartless and dogmatic person would tell you otherwise. I'm sorry you are going through this.

On another note, whether you decide to go ahead with this pregnancy or stop things, afterwards it might be an idea to discuss other forms of contraception with your GP. The pill can fail and there are other options such as an implant under your skin (on the arm) which releases hormones and keeps you protected for months at a time and is very effective. I know that future contraception is not the main thing on your mind at this time, but it does not sound as though you've been given great medical advice about your condition so far and sometimes you have to point things out to GPs to get the advice you need. In this case, they need to understand that that it's really very very important that you don't get pregnant unexpectedly.

Best wishes.