Really need some advice - termination related, unexpected pregnancy no.3

[helga19]

We found out two weeks ago that I'm pregnant with no.3. This completely threw us into turmoil, first reaction was to terminate, then we thought about it and decided we weren't sure enough to do that, decided to keep the baby.

From yesterday morning it's like the darkest cloud has descended over me, I cannot see any positives about having a third child, only negatives - and plenty of them. My other children are 3 and 6.

I explained to my husband that I'd changed my mind and decided I did want to terminate after all. Understandably he has become quite quiet and distant with me, but ultimately I know supports my decision. He said he'd got his head around having another baby and was ok about it (I know he was thinking far more positively than me, anyway, and was actually thinking it would be nice to have another baby) and now he needs to readjust and get his head around my change of heart.

I'm so torn. I feel so anxious and scared about both choices and I really can't see the wood for the trees. I'm not sure what advice anyone can give me but I just needed to post. I am a regular but have obviously name changed.

I would suggest contacting BPAS you can arrange counselling to talk through your decision.

Thank you Catonlap. I had counselling with Marie Stopes last week, i presume BPAS would be similar. No disprespect to the counsellor who was a nice chap, but I didn't find it at all helpful. I've never had counselling so perhaps that's what counselling is all about, but I came away none the wiser at all.

Yes it probably would be similar. Although to some extent it will depend on the individual counsellor and so it would do no harm to go for a second session somewhere else just to see if you find the session more useful?

You're right, I'll give them a call. Thank you.

The bottom line is nobody else can make this decision for you. Counsellors can only help to guide your own thought process. You should obviously involve your dp in the process and discuss with him.

If you can think it through and be 100% happy with your choice then you will get through it fine. If you go through with a decision you are not really happy with then you may feel regret.

I was in a very similar situation a few months ago. I have two chidren aged 7 and 4 and had no plans for more when I was horrified to find myself pregnant. After the initial week of blind panic, we were able to start to look at the situation more calmly, but even then we yo-yoed with our views for quite a while. I know this isn't helping you but I'm trying to say don't make a snap decision because you feel bad today as you may well feel differently tomorrow.

It sounds like your husband is fab, not trying to put pressure on you either way trying to support you.

Whichever choice you make at least you can rely on each other.

The only advice I could offer would be not to think that you'll grow to love a baby that you really didn't want, its just as likely that you'd struggle and thwe children you have already will bear the brunt of mum falling apart. But maybe that's just me.

A friend of mine was in a very similar situation. Her kids were 3.9 and 2 when she unexpectedly got pg again (had had fertility probs first time round and was a few years over 40 by this stage). She'd had complications in her second pregnancy which was only nine months after the first, totally didn't expect to get pg that quickly after taking so long first time, and her health was quite poor after the baby was born what with tiredness of having two, age, and having no family at all nearby to help. So third baby was really out of the question, and both her mother and MIL were strongly advising her and her DH to terminate given how fragile she had been for quite a while after. They did decide to but her DH was against it really and things were strained for a short while after but in the long run, for them, totally the right decision. If she'd been younger, more support, etc maybe they would have made a different choice but as I say, right thing for them to do. They are totally fine by the way as a couple.

Anyway, I don't know if this has any bearing on your situation, but I just wanted to give you other stories and a bit of support. I hope you will be happy with your decision, and I'm sure you will be once you know what it is. Indecision is a horrible state to be in. All the best.

Thank you all for your replies. I'm still just as unsure this morning, have the telephone consultation with Marie Stopes this afternoon. I think I have to focus on the fact that we didn't want a 3rd child, life is easy now (and good, we have a nice life, decent standard of living, 3 bed house so children can have their own rooms etc.) and that I've recently started to enjoy a proper relationship with my husband again; weekends away, time to ourselves, readily-available babysitters (we're lucky, I know) and I love him, I really do. I'm glad we've still got such a great relationship after all these years and I enjoy being able to spend time together again. BUT, there's still a BUT. And should there be? I just don't know. I'm scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it forever. But I'm equally scared of having another baby and all that entails. I truly wish someone could make my decision for me and tell me this is what you're going to do, now deal with it.

What a crap situation.

Do you know what makes it worse? There's no real reason not to have this baby, we're young enough, financially it would be ok and I know it would be loved. But it isn't wanted like my other children were and there are too many reasons (all selfish) to not have it. But not one of them is a good enough reason.

As a parent of 3 DCs I can say that it IS quite different from having 2 DCs, someone told us once that you need one adult to each child, and it does feel a bit like that when they're little - there just aren't enough hands and laps to go round! And I agree, getting babysitters for 3 DCs isn't as easy as it is for 2, but we find ways.

As they have grown up things have changed several times. We have had to buy a larger car to fit the car seats, not had holidays because its so expensive, avoided going out for family meals because its so noisy and expensive etc,

But we've now come out of the other end and they no longer all need car seats so we have a smaller car, DS1 no longer has 'toys' as such, (just an x-box, wardrobe, desk and a bed!) so he has the 'nursery'/box room and DD has his old room, we can use vouchers and discounts for meals and days out.

Its not easy having 3 DCs but its not that hard either. Whatever your practical reasons are, if you do have this baby its not the end of the world as you know it, you'll just be a bigger family with a bit less cash to go round.

whatsonyourplate, what did you decide to do?

Have just found this thread and wondered if anyone could help, I am married with DS and DD aged 7 and 4 ( nearly 5 ) and have just found out I am pregnant, absolutely terrified if I'm honest as not planned.
We have been deliberating non stop over the past four days over what to do, I feel like reading helga19 post is exactly how we feel,

Can I ask helga19 what did you do in the end? Or anyone else who has had a similar experience?

Thanks

It's not quite the same but I just found out I'm pg with no 2 and tonight had a freak out. We had been trying so not a surprise but getting the test result threw me into a panic. My first is 2 and life is good so had the lifestyle dilemma but think we would regret not going through than any financial struggle which may lay ahead. I totally feel the same as you though and was torn until about 30 mins ago as there is no reason not to have the baby

Helga19 what did you end up doing? I know it was a few years ago just curious kind of in the same situation would really help
Thank you