How do I support friend who is going to terminate

[LuckyC]

Friend's just had a congentinal thing (Edwards) confirmed. It's just so hard for her - I am finding it hard to know what to say and just support her in general. She has a (gorgeous and beloved) DD who was born with a cleft and now this. She is generally a very level-headed, can-cope type of person. This has really knocked her (and me.) I am so sad for her.

My best friend had to terminate due to Downs a couple of years ago and just being there was the only thing I could do. Unless you've been through it yourself you can't pretend to 'get it', so all you can do is listen, offer a shoulder to cry on and be as thoughtful as possible. You'll know your friend better than anyone and what will comfort her, so just be there for her.

In my case, my friend is a very direct, no-nonsense kind of person, so I knew that me asking her honest questions about the baby and what she had gone through would not be an issue; if anything, she appreciated it as she wanted to talk her way through her grief. If your friend is more the quiet type, then this wouldn't be appropriate.

It's not just the emotional support, there's also practical support particularly as she already has a child. She may have a great family support network in place, but I made sure i was hand on to help with childcare, cook meals, help around the house if that's what she wanted.

Hope that helps, and my sympathies go to your friend at this difficult time.

Thanks loveis. That's really good advice, particularly about the practical stuff.

You are a lovely friend. I agree about the practical support, and I would say just take your cues from her, let her talk about the baby if she needs too and acknowledge that baby as a little life. After I terminated at 23 weeks and was told a lot of insensitive things, our best friends came to stay with DH and I (we are foreigners and have no family in the UK), and gave us a lovely christening bracelet with our daughter's name on it. It was a lovely gesture and we appreciated it so much. The irony is they don't have children, but knew how to be there for us much better than many friends who do.

I am very sorry for your friend, it is so hard.

I would like help with this too. A close friend has recently been told that her second baby is suffering from a severe omphalocele (sp) with liver, kidneys and bowel outside the body. The baby may have further problems but it's too early to tell. But the omphalocele alone is the most severe the consultant has seen and I think it is likely that she will terminate.

I really need to know how to help her and not say stupid insensitive things - hopefully I won't but I have never had anyone deal with anything like this before.