How can I help a friend who regrets termination?

[MamaChocoholic]

WARNING: upsetting post, about termination.

I hope this is the right board. If not please tell me and I will ask MN to move it.

My friend had a much wanted and tried for twin pregnancy, but she became very sick (hyperemesis and high blood pressure). It sounds like she had a breakdown and decided to terminate, against her husband's wishes. She felt she couldn't talk to me as I had recently had twins, but finally we spoke today. She is in a very bad way mentally/emotionally.

I love her and I want to help her reach some peace. Does anyone have any suggestions how I can best help? Are there places she can turn for support? Would it be crass to send flowers/chocolate? She lives two hours away, and would find seeing our twins too upsetting, so although I will offer to go see her when the kids are all in nursery, I expect I am mostly limited to being at the end of a phone.

Ohhhh, poor lady. :(

What a good friend you are to try to find out best way to help.

I too hope she can find peace with herself. Sorry I don't know what to advise as have no experience in this area.

Hi MamaChoc
I am way out of my league here - but it sounds to me she needs professional help. Can she go to the GP? It sounds the pre-abortion counselling wasn't doing it's job either. Was the high BP preeclampsia - then she had a life-threatening disease and might have terminated to survive. But hyperemesis by itself?
Maybe she was suffering from depression but then she should continue to see a professional. Maybe ask her what would help her and push she see a GP.
You seem to be a caring friend - she can be glad to have you.

I know she was hospitalised due to her BP, but people were trying to persuade her not to terminate, so I don't think she did it to survive, physically at least.

She is, now, having counselling, though I don't know if she's been to her GP. I'll ask. She hasn't told her close family. She sounded in such a bad way :(

I was hoping to hear from someone else who struggled to live with their decision, and since found some way to do so. I didn't want to post in a general area because I don't want this to turn into a judge-fest, but I guess this board is frequented by people who are in the process of making their decisions, not those who have come to terms with decisions already made.

Hi Mama,
I can not give the best advice as my termination was many years ago, an unplanned pregnancy and I was only 17 at the time. I am now 31 and it took me many years to come to terms with my decision. My partner at the time did not want me to terminate but I was terrified of having a baby so went ahead with it anyway.
I refused counselling and spent a good 5 years and more surpressing any feelings to do with the termination, I drank a lot at weekends and had some very dark days. But there was nothing that any one could do to help me through, just be there for me when I did break down and listen.
It hit me hardest when 9 years later I had my first baby and the guilt was overwhelming, I still didn't seek help. The breaking point though was Sept 2010 when I had to have a termination for medical reasons and I just couldn't contain it any longer, especially as I was having a termination that I didn't want, but there was really no other choice. My now DH let me release all my feelings on him. I didn't need professional help by then as I realised the reason I didn't want to see a counsellor is because I wanted forgiveness from my ex for doing what I did. My DH listen to all of my heart ache and the release was amazing. I couldn't speak to anyone else because I didn't trust anyone else.
I have now forgiven myself to a point for the first termination although I will never truelly forgive myself. The second termination was not really a choice, and at our little girls funeral, I grieved for both my lost babies.
Being there for your friend - be it at the end of the phone or sat in her living room is as much as you can do and as much as she will let you. I rang a close friend the day of my first termination and didn't say a word, I just cried down the phone and she just let me, occassionally adding 'it's ok, let it out'. Ive never spoken to her about that since, but I will always be greatful to her for letting me do that.
I can only speak from my experience, which of course is very different to what your friend has been through, but let her lead with talking about it. Letting her know that you are available to her at any time is all you can do for now. She may feel able to open up to you, she may not. The guilt I felt stopped me from talking to anyone. I felt I didn't deserve anybodys sympathy as it was my decision and I hurt my ex and my family in making that choice, even though at the end of the day they all fully supported me.
Your friend is lucky to have someone who is so concerned about her. Terminating, even when you decide to do it for non-medical reasons, is a devestating decision IMO. Others may disagree, but I pray it's never something my daughters have to go through.
I wish you and your friend well xx

Thanks for being so honest Natz. I'm sorry you had to make such a hard decision. I have told her I am there for her to talk whenever she wants.

It is awful, not knowing what to say. A good friend of mine terminated and seemed fine, then called in screaming hysterics on what would have been the due date. I just bumbled through it the best I could, telling her how sorry I was for her pain and how much I loved her.