SIL Treatment of me after termination

[Wantstoforgive]

I know I shouldn't do it, I have always tried to get on with people regardless of their behaviour. I have a real problem at the moment though as I am feeling real hatred towards my SIL. I didn't used to, I used to feel very sorry for her as she was a childless single woman not by choice and is very unhappy about it.

She has said some really tactless and awful things to me regarding my termination, because she wouldn't have basically. She was also hugely disrespectful at the babies funeral as she did not repect our wishes.

How can I forgive ?

Why do you want to?

Genuine question.

What does "forgive" entail? Do you mean within yourself entirely or in relation to your reactions to her?

I don't know your back story but do you really want this woman in your life?

Presumably her point of view is completely opposed to yours. She, I would guess, cannot "forgive" your termination.

You'll have to forgive each other if you want to continue a normal family connection.

I don't really want her in my life but she is DH only sister. I feel as if I want to "get over" what she said which means forgive I guess.

Her point of view is she wouldn't have terminated, that is a decision she has never had to make.

I am upset I terminated but it was the right decision for me and my immediate family.

She has judged me and really why could she not just keep it to herself? she is currently doing something I do not approve of but I have never said anything to her. In fact she has leaned on me heavily lately ( phone calls ) for support and thanked me for it. I suppose it has bought up old feelings of how unsupportive she was at the time. In fact I didn't ask for support I could just have done without her being horrible towards me.

Her remarks stem from the fact that she is a deeply unhappy, bitter, and perhaps lonely woman (from what you say).

It sounds as if she envies you your life, while she is not in a good place. Perhaps she just could not find it in herself to be supportive of your decision. And knowing what you do about her, it may have been a tad tactless to invite her to the funeral.

The decision to terminate to the funeral date was less than two weeks. At that point she had not said anything negative about the situation and I think her head was in a better place then.

I agree she is unhappy, I have spent many hours with her supporting her as she talks about her situation. Her unhappiness has really escalated in the last year so a couple of years after my termination.

I have tried to step away but it is hard as she is my DH only sibling, who calls us etc.

It sounds as though it must have been a late termination due to a problem?

It was at 14 weeks for T21 sorry I should have probably explained more in the first post.

What's T21? (if you don't mind me asking)

Frankly if your SIL cannot put aside her feelings to support you in what I have no doubt was one of the most difficult times of your life then I would seriously question whether she is worth having in your life.

You clearly didn't make the decision to terminate easily and I see nothing wrong with cutting your SIL out whilst you come to terms with what has happened.

Hello - she sounds like a righteous pain in the a**e. My mother in law is as stupid as! when we terminated due to t21 we had to explain to her why we were no longer expecting, we asked her to keep it quiet as to why, and she told the whole bloody family, with a few exaggerations thrown in. Not as bad as your SIL, but god, can't in laws be a nightmare. This woman sounds jealous of you, maybe you have the simple things she has always wanted, so your bad situation was her chance to drive the knife in. She is ignorant about it and does not understand the situation. I would avoid her except when you can't help it. She's your partners problem, maybe he can deal with her? Does he support you on this? Can you avoid the miserable old hag? I think looking to forgive is admirable, but perhaps not realistic yet. Time will heal, and you will accept her poor behaviour, but if you are like me, she would have marked her card for good. I wouldn't waste time seeking to forgive just yet. Let it happen naturally if you can. Perhaps not great advice, but the best I can offer (considering I'd want to kick her round the parish) xx

I think you are right to feel upset about her treatment of you. If it were me I would be blunt about it and let her know that she has upset you. then you can hopefully both move on.

I have dropped friends for this. Obv you cant as she's your dhs relative. how does he feel about her? presume it was his decision too. my dhs family are very religious and i was worried how they would react (same thing and same reason, twice now first for heart issues). he said let them walk in our shoes, they were fine. personally i would step back and let him support her and just be polite but distant.

I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to reply, I was just feeling very angry about it and it has really helped reading your replies. My DH has never been anything but supportive to his sister and she has even been mean to him lately.

If she was a friend then I would just drop her. My friend is a devout catholic and she was hugely supportive and very lovely to me. SIL is not at all religous just bitter sadly.

Thanks again

Sorry it was his decison as well and we had already talked about it before we went for a scan.

You need to accept that she doesn't agree with what you did. Her childlessness is a red herring. Have you tried being straight with her, or writing her a letter, saying "I know you think what we did was wrong but it was our decision. If you want to continue to have a relationship with us you need to put it behind you and move on as we have done."

T21 is the medical name for Downs Syndrome.