Memorial service/cremation for baby lost at 15 weeks-can anyone help?

[ifrustrated]

I know this is not really the "correct" topic to post in but I thought I may get better advise from others who have been in my situation rather than putting myself up for judgement on some other topics.

Have posted a few times before but my story is high nt at 12/13 week scan, no reason to think this was not another healthy pregnancy and a cvs confirmed downs. We had a medical termination at 15 weeks (10 days ago) :(

To start with I only wanted to keep the babies ashes and did not feel up to a memorial service but have since changed my mind and we will be attending the memorial service.

I feel for me that this is the only thing I will be able to do for my baby and am already regretting not seeing her once she was born and don't want to regret not saying goodbye in this way.

To start with I was told it would be a service held with other families at the cremutorium which brought me some comfort knowing she would not be alone and be with other babies but we have now been told it will just be a private cremation for our baby.

I'm just not sure what to expect if it's just us, dh and I are not up to speaking although the hospital Chaplin has said he would come and say a few words if we wanted.

I'm just really looking for a bit of guidance from others who have been through this, what happens if we don't have the Chaplin (which I think we will) but if we don't what would actually happen during the "service"

Also I don't want to upset anyone but what should I expect to actually see. I'm having panic attacks imagining the size of the coffin (if it's even a coffin at all I'm not sure what they use) will this be on show like at a usual cremation?

Sorry about all the questions I'm just trying to prepare myself as much as I can beforehand.

This happened to us a few years ago. It was just me and dh but I think other friends or family could have come but I didn't think of it at the time. Our baby was in a small White coffin, I had the florist make up a bouquet with small flowers which went on top the coffin. The vicar chap said a few words and prayers and we asked him to read that poem ' do not stand at my grave and weap'. Our baby was buried not cremated so i don't know if there is any difference. My thoughts are with you at this sad time x x take care of yourself x

ifrustrated, if you have a read through the support thread you'll see lots of discussion of this question which might help you. Practices do seem to differ amongst hospitals. Is there a bereavement midwife or someone at PALS you can talk to?

For my own part, we had a private burial in a regular cemetery with a priest (he was also the hospital priest). The coffin was supplied by the hospital, so it was the standard white baby coffin. The undertakers put a single rose on it for burial. We had totally forgotten about flowers so I really appreciated this act. I can't remember the exact size - somewhat bigger than a bootbox. I know I remember thinking it was far too big for my baby. Other mothers have chosen different types of coffins, eg a wicker one, and I know now that you can get all sorts of little caskets (have a look at co-op funerals here). Look after yourself.

Ifrustrated, my heart goes out to you. I am very sorry for your loss. I terminated in Feb 2010 for severe brain anomalies, I was 23 weeks pregnant with my first child, a baby girl.

We decided to have a cremation and then bury the ashes and the hospital chaplain said a few words both at the crematorium and also when we had the burial (although the latter was not in her remit, she was happy to come and say a prayer ? although we are not Christians, this helped somehow ). We also had an individual service and it was just me, DH and the chaplain (we are not from the UK and our families are both abroad). Before the service, the chaplain gave us the order of service and asked us if we wanted to change anything. I wrote a brief letter to my little girl which I gave to the chaplain to read, but somehow (I don?t know how!) I managed to read it myself.

I was also terrified before the cremation and worked myself into a right state, my GP actually prescribed sleeping pills as I wasn?t coping. We went to speak with the chaplain before and ask her what the service would be like and what exactly happens (as I said, we?re not English and funerals are very different in our country). We also went to the funeral home and asked them to show us what the coffin would look like ? it is indeed heartbreakingly small and I burst into tears when the lady brought one to show us. We actually decided to choose another one and I was pleased I did. Like you, I was having nightmares about it all and knowing what to expect helped me so much.

My advice would be to speak with the hospital chaplain and ask him/her what to expect. Also, if it feels right for you to think of your baby together with other babies, you can bury the ashes in the children?s section in the cemetery (that?s what we did and although it was heartbreaking it also felt right and like she was finally at rest with other children). We had the burial a month after the cremation, which gave us time to make all arrangements, choose a plot, etc. It might sound morbid and maybe it is, but we know that if we move to another country in the future, we can take our daughter?s remains with us.

I don?t know what happens at a memorial service if there is no chaplain, where we live the chaplain attends all memorial services as standard, if the parents want her there, of course.

Please don?t feel like you haven?t done everything you could for your baby, you really did. I am sure a memorial service will give you some peace, and I am speaking like someone who was in agony before. Another thing we did was leave a very small hat and blanket with the chaplain, and they were put in the coffin. I kept a small piece of the fabric in her memory box. Also, we bought two identical cuddly toys (very small ones, of course), one to go with her and another one to keep.

Almost 2 years on and I have a gorgeous 10 month old little boy? the pain of having lost my little girl is still here, and although the rawness is gone most of the time, it can still come back and I have a good cry thinking of her. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, and although this experience has changed me forever, both in good and bad ways, I am laughing and enjoying life again. Just live through each day, each hour even, and be gentle with yourself. Talk in here as much as you need to.