Don't want another baby but really struggling with Termination

[justinshouse]

We have 3 kids - aged 5, 3 and 1. I am 44 and my DH is 51. Our last child was unplanned but we are really happy we had her. We conceived because I missed a few days pills when we were away and the morning after pill failed.
:(

I work full time in a very demanding job and am constantly exhausted and have been looking forward to when the youngest is at pre-school and less demanding. My DH is very definite about wanting a termination and I know it's the correct decision...so why am I feeling so very low and depressed?

Im just under 6 weeks and I'm healthy. I'm thinking about getting a scan done to see if it's a normal pregnancy but that may make things more difficult to deal with and I'm starting to get symptoms so I'd be surprised if it wasn't viable.

Every rational bone in my body tells me to terminate but there si something deep and emotional in me that is sad about it. And I'm not sure how much to listen to the emotional side of me. And I'm worried my Dh would resent it if we went on to have another one as he is very certain about it.

I just don't know. I hate the 1st trimester as I am so sick and tired but I keep looking at my youngest and thinking about the fact that she was nearly not here. I think I may be romantacising the whole things and not facing up to all the pregnancy symptoms, the tests, the increased risks at my age and the immense sleep deprivation that will continue for another 3-4 years as the hit rate for a child waking in the night is pretty high with 3 let alone 4!

everything you say here points to the fact that it is your dh that wants this termination. Your dh is definite he wants a termination; you're afraid that your dh will resent it if you don't have a termination...

What do you want?

not what you think is the right thing to do, what is it you actually want?

Ultimately, no-one can force you to do anything you don't want to do. So you have to ask yourself, what is it you do want to do?

Do you want a termination? Because if you don't then you will be the one that ends up resentful.

Is it that you don't want another baby? (which is understandable in the circs), or that you don't want this baby? Because there is a difference.

As things currently stand there is already a baby. If you proceed with this pregnancy the baby will be born and yes, things will be tough, with more sleepless nights and another mouth to feed and your family dinamic will change. But sleepless nights are not for ever, and there will be an end in sight, and as you already have three kids it is unlikely that this particular baby will be that unwanted. It's not as if you're a teenager unable to cope.

But if you terminate this pregnancy there is no going back.

So if you terminate the pregnancy then it has to be because that is what you want to do. You can't do it for anyone else, not for your dh, not for your other children, you have to do it for you. It is you who has to go through the termination, or alternatively carry and give birth to a baby you potentially don't want.

You can discuss it with your dh, but at the end of the day it is your body and your choice, and only you can decide whether or not to go through it.

good luck.

WannaBe - you are right. The trouble is I'm not sure what I want. And it's DH that is a SAHD so I can't really ignore his feelings.

I am torn between the rational and emotional and can't seem to get anywhere at the moment. I do feel isolated and lonely because DH is so one track about it and I don't feel I can talk openly about the way I feel. We've also just had a row ( which doesnt help matters) as he told me he felt like he had 4 kids already because I have been moping around the house all weekend in my pyjamas because I just don't feel up to anything more and I know I have a really tough week ahead at work. He says he understands how I am feeling but if he truly did, he wouldn't have made a comment like that. The phyical aspects of profound tiredness and nausea are already kicking in and it's made ten times worse when there is unlikely to be anything positive come out if it.

I feel pretty shit right now :(

Don't do anything right away (as in, in the next week) as you have time yet to process this a bit more before you make a decision. Can you get an appointment to talk to a counsellor, or have you a really trusted friend who you could share this with and would support you no matter what decision you made? Feel for you, I can see both sides and termination can often be the right way to go but it is a hard one to deal with.

I can only tell you from my experience in which my auntie found herself in a very similar circumstances as yourself. Basically, my uncle threatened to leave if she did not have a termination. She went ahead with it and i can tell you it nearly broke her. Her redemption was that she fell pregnant again soon after and kept it. But i know that termination haunts her. Although termination would be the "easiest" solution, if it is not what you want 110% and you are absolutely sure it is the right thing to do, it can end up causing more problems than it solves.

Thank you for your understanding.

I don't think I would get an appointment before at least a week so there is some time to process it. I must confess that our row has tipped me over more towards termination as I can see what an extra strain it's starting to cause in the relationship already. Maybe I just need a good night's sleep ( will go to bed now) and hope things look clearer over the next few days.

It's a terribly difficult decision to make when you have a stable family home to offer....but, I did try my best to avoid getting pregnant again so clearly it's not what I wanted.

On the other hand, if this baby has gotten through they must be quite strong. If any woman only continued on with a baby's life when they were 100% then very very few of us would be here at all. They are always a temporary drain, which at the time is so hard but my do they reward you! Congratulations on your family.

This is such a difficult position to be in. FWIW our children were older - the youngest just about to start secondary school - when it happened to me. DH was adamant he didn't want another baby. We had endless discussions, counselling the lot. I had more counselling at the clinic before the TOP. What I realise with the benefit of hindsight was that while I was saying all the right things about why we couldn't have another baby, what I needed was for someone to give me permission to have it :(

Ultimately both my mum and DH were so against it I knew that if I had the baby and ever needed help I'd just get told "well you wanted it, just get on with it" and I knew I couldn't cope. But I sat there in that clinic knowing I didn't want to do it.

It caused a huge strain between me and DH, and between me and my mum. Most of all I couldn't get the idea of it out of my head, and I had a mini-breakdown when we had to have our dog PTS a year later.

My termination was 9 years ago, and we now have a 5 year old. I had 2 miscarriages inbetween, which DH still feels was our punishment for the termination. He now says he panicked and we both agree that if we could turn the clock back we would have a 9 year old now. I'm quite pleased he feels as bad as me, because I still feel it was my fault.

God that was long. But IIWY I would ignore your DH's wishes for the time being and just really think about what you want. Consider what difference either option will make to your life because whatever you choose will have repercussions. And in your case you won't have the option of another go 4 or 5 years down the line. This is It. But if you decide that you really don't want another child (rather than don't want a termination, which is totally different) then you will feel at ease with your decision. But it can't just be your DH's decision, even if he is the SAHP.

Thanks for the excellent advice. You are absolutely right - I've got to think about what I reallt want and clear my head of everything else going on.

By chance, my youngest kept us up most of the night last night and I have just come back from work absolutely shattered. I'm not sure if things happen for a reason but I woke up thinking I cannot go thru this for another 3-4 years. I'm also starting to feel termination is the right choice for me but it really doesnt stop it being very sad and very painful :(

hi there my fourth child is now 9 weeks old and i am very pleased to have him, my kids are 3,6,8 and it is manageable but he was planned. dh didn't want another he was persuaded and for that reason i definitely feel like he is my workload and I accept that. I had two terminations (for medical reasons) a year ago and four years ago. I have no problems with the choice to terminate my pregnancies and i know if I get pregnant again i will have a termination as I do not want another child, particularly as I have had 3 csection and have loads of scar tissue. I would be sad but I dont believe a life is a life and I think there are degrees of life and that embryos are less than babies so I don't have any personal ethical issues with abortion/terminating pregnancy. I think it would be very hard to deal with the grief if you also had different ethical beliefs.

From my experience you do need to know you are doing the right thing in choosing a termination. i dont think that would stop you grieving the child you lose but you would not want to feel you were forced. i also am finding that four children are ok but I am the person who stays at home and i think your dh has a point if he is the one with the burden of the childcare.

My dh was adamant about our last termination and i was in two minds (the baby had downs). I felt his point of view had to be considered and ultimately it had to be a decision for our family. Can you both get some counselling to talk through all your feelings before you make a final decision? we didn't have that but we did spend 3 solid hours exploring how we felt about all the possible outcomes available to us. It really helped and I managed to persuade him to consider keeping the baby, once we reached that point I realised that I probably didnt want to and there was also significant risk of stillbirth which persuaded me further.

I dont envy you being in this position but i think you need to spend some time exploring your emotions before making such a big decision. x

sorry, I misread your last post and it sounds like you have moved on already and are coming to a decision for yourself. I don't think that just because you choose a termination you are not allowed to be sad about that choice. Just don't let it eat you up if that's the way you go. x

dearjustin house, I am not in your position but I would urge you to listen to your heart and have this baby. Maybe a phone call to a understanding organisation like prolife.org.uk on 020 7581 6939 could help you.

Update - I had a termination earlier in the week.

I had a huge sense of relief that I no longer felt sick and profoundly tired and breathless and was able to eat normal food again.

However, I feel like I am going through an invisible bereavement. I have lost something but not many people know about it. And looking at my existing adorable kids makes it worse.

Having said that, I do believe it was the right decision as I now need to start looking at mine and my husband's needs and not just be a parent. I also know that I am looking out for the kids I have got who will not have even less of my time.

Heather1 - I know your intentions are well meaning but to direct me to a pro-life organisation when I may have already have had a termination is a little insensitive and also has an agenda.

It's a really difficult decision for anyone and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy :(

Bless you fidgety sheep, happy christmas to you and your too x