Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Antenatal tests

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Flip

Original poster

Surgical termination

12 replies

Leonheart · 26/09/2011 02:30

Gosh, I think I just needed somewhere to express myself because I can't tell anyone else. I have a surgical abortion booked for the beginning of October.

My reasons are mainly health-related, I can't physically (or even mentally) carry another baby without some damage to my health. I have a 5-year-old whose behaviour can be hard to handle at times and an 18-month-old who needs a lot of attention. My partner is dead against us keeping the baby and I doubt our relationship will survive no matter what I do.

These seem like really good reasons not to continue with the pregnancy, but then I think - I really want this baby now it's here...and I feel like I will regret it. Maybe things will be a little harder at the beginning, but a few years down the line they will no doubt improve. And any health problems can be resolved at the same point I'm sure.

But by mood seems to change from day to day, hour to hour. I don't want to get halfway through the pregnancy and feel I've made a terrible mistake. I don't want to terminate and know I will never get a second chance with 'this' baby.

Plus I'm so scared of a surgical abortion and the way it was described to me at my consultation appointment. It was a surprise because I assumed I would be given the pill option as I was less than 9 weeks, but they said it would be very painful and probably fail. I've never been under general anesthetic, I'm scared of the tools they will use, if something goes wrong, regret when it's too late, or being alone.

I feel so idiotic that I allowed myself to get into this situation. I'm a grown women and actually feel frightened of either option put before me, but my partner just doesn't seem to understand why and thinks I should just get on with it.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/09/2011 02:44

I'm so sorry for the horrible situation in which you find yourself, and will not try to sway you one way or the other, because only you can make this decision.

But I had a surgical termination a few years ago, and it was fine. You're awake (and scared) at the beginning, then it's a needle in the hand and you're waking up.

There's a bit of heavy-period type bleeding for a while, then back to normal.

That's physically. Emotionally is all different.

I don't regret mine, don't feel guilty. Wish it hadn't happened.

poppycat04 · 26/09/2011 03:24

Hi Leonheart,

I couldn't leave your post and not try and answer.
First you must feel pretty alone and scared at the moment. You're in a horrible position. I really hope you'll be ok, whatever you decide. I know it's mumsnet but I'm sending a hug.

Just a couple of things in your post really stood out. You say you really want this baby now it's here... Also that you think your relationship with your (very unsupportive sounding..) partner won't survive whatever you do. Do not go through with it for him. It is your body, your choice, your decision. Something you have to live with, whichever route you take.

Original poster

Leonheart · 26/09/2011 03:25

Thank you so much for responding. Actually I think your post gave me a revelation. Underneath it all I have realised the feeling is not really guilt of going ahead, just the wish that it had never happened in the first place.

I never thought I'd go through with the surgical procedure if faced with it. Now I'm here it's a different story, so I'm glad it's not as bad as I'm imagining.

It's just the waiting I think that throws me. Having to wait two weeks between the consultation and the procedure is a nightmare. I think in my heart I know what I want to do though, it's just my emotions are all over the place.

I guess there really is no 'right' or 'wrong' decision, only what is best for you at the time.

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 26/09/2011 03:27

Oh darling! What a terrible position to be in. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

As Poppy says, if you think that the relationship will not survive regardless, don't consider what he says or thinks at all. Think about what will be best for you, physically and emotionally.

You'll be in my thoughts.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/09/2011 03:37

The waiting is the worst bit. But it does give you time to really make your mind up, one way or the other.

No nurse/doctor is going to force you to go through with it if you change your mind in the antechamber.

Please make your decision the best one you can make.

Original poster

Leonheart · 26/09/2011 03:49

Thanks to you also Poppycat04 I hadn't seen your post in my previous reply (which was to OldLadyKnowsNothing).

The timing was sudden, but I would say 70% of the time I have feel deeply that I want to continue with the pregnancy. My partner wouldn't even have an open discussion about it until the day of the consultation...and that ended in a row. He is putting immense pressure on me to terminate, and his attitude towards it is cold. I am trying not to take his feeings into account 100% but I suppose in some way knowing that he will drop any support if I continue is playing a part in my decision making.

CheerfulYank - Thank you, I'm going to try and remember this.

OldLadyKnowsNothing - Thanks again. You're right, I suppose I would rather have this time to be sure of what I want, then have rushed into the wrong decision.

I have to say ladies thanks to you all, you don't know how much of a relief it is for me just being about to talk about my feelings openly. There's not anyone I can really discuss this with in my life at the moment who wouldn't judge me negatively. My head feels a little clearer now, even at close to 4am!

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/09/2011 03:59

Glad to have been of whatever limited assistance, and really hope you make the right decision for you and your family, whatever that may be.

CheerfulYank · 26/09/2011 03:59

Talk all you want to. :) It's not even 10 pm here and I am woefully unprepared for tomorrow so I will be up for quite some time!

If you feel that you want to continue the pregnancy, do it . I've had close friends who have terminated pregnancies they wanted to continue, and their struggle in the following years was awful to see. I am not in any way suggesting that you should continue if you don't want to, though!

It sounds like you're really going through a lot right now with your relationship having issues, etc.

What's going on with your son? Would you like to talk about that? It could just be his age; mine is 4 and he is wonderful but sometimes I just want to scream.

Keep talking, we're here.

poppycat04 · 26/09/2011 04:06

I'm glad you feel it's helping to talk.

70% of the time is a lot...
Why is your partner being so cold? How is he towards your other 2 children?
Is there really no one you could talk to who would put YOU first?

PenguinsAreThePoint · 26/09/2011 05:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manitz · 26/09/2011 14:29

hi, i have pm'd you. hope that's ok.
x

glimmer · 27/09/2011 17:03

I think you should ask for some counseling. It will be helpful to talk to a professional, the way they listen often causes us to reveal what we think (and didn't know we thought...) Come here, too and talk by all means, but try and find RL counselor as well.

It's a hard place. My kids are the same age as yours and I am pg with the third.
Single parenting and working for a while, since DH is abroad... I can be done but it takes its toll. You will have to decide what is right for you and talking about it will help you find out.

Flip