Trying again after termination and age 40

[rosielee1]

I had a termination for T21 in December and it was the worse time of my life. I got great support here and I was grateful to everyone that sent messages. Anyway its only now that I can consider even thinking of trying again but like a lot you am terrified that this can happen again. I have a 4 year old so not sure if that means that it was age related more than generic but I know my chances are 1/100 of this happening again as im now 40. Is anyone else in the same boat or as a happy story to tell me. Its so scary, never thought i would be in this position. One day im dying to have a baby and the next day I think I should be thankful for the child I have and just accept Im too old. Thanks

That's a tough one for sure, and I'm sorry for your loss, that must have been really hard. There is every chance that you can have a 'normal' pregnancy, you've shown you can do that, but then again, no guarantees. I'm sure the termination was agonising, I think if I knew I would definitely terminate if it happened again I would not put myself in that situation. Families come in many shapes and sizes so one is fine? [seems like bliss compared to my 3!]. Then again, I understand wanting more. I might be in the minority, but I think if I tried again and the same thing happened again I would accept that and love and cherish that child as clearly it was meant to be. I also have a father in law who is a professor specialising in children with chromosomal abnormalities. He was the first person back in the 70's to treat these kids as children within the dynamic of a family rather than just kids with a condition. His book is fascinating, and maybe we should stop trying to achieve 'perfection' and embrace life in all its variations? You could do that? - I think that is often not presented as an acceptable option, though, that said, there is no judgement on my part. I believe we can all choose. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Morning rosielee

Im so sorry to hear about your termination, and that you're struggling with weather to ttc or not again.

I terminated in April for T21. The most devistating, shocking and upsetting experience i have ever gone (am still going) through. I am 43 and have 3 children already without any chromasonal conditions. So it is almost 99% certain that it was age related, and therefore, as you say, i have the same odds of it occuring again. However - my OH and i decided we wanted to start ttc again straight away. Its personal choice and your decision alone my love.

If the same thing happened again im afraid i would do the same. My baby had heart problems and possibly other problems that we never found out about as our decision to terminate precluded any further testing form that point. The worry of the unknown severity of future health issues affecting people with this condition, that cannot be foreseen before birth, contributed to our decision. Plus other factors. Every woman/couple/family must make their own choice and that choice, as tantrum says should be respected.

Please come and chat with us on our thread for ladies who have terminated. Theres a real mixture of lovely ladies with alot of empathy. You do not have to be ttc. Those of us that are try not to be boring about it! lol. Our terminations are not the only things we ever chat about. Its OK to be OK some days, y'know? But when you are feeling the strain - its so nice to be able to talk about it with others who know how it feels.

to you rosielee.

Rosielee as misty says, come and join us on the other thread, we've all been through it and many of us are also ttc. Also, 1 out of 100 is still 99 healthy babies.

tantrum your levels of empathy are astounding. I've not boggled at a post so much in a while. Well done on having three healthy children, it's nice you can wish a couple of them away. What do you say to those people with no children who are desperate to conceive?

'Yah, it's hard having three, all the washing you know; I do sometimes wish I had been infertile and desperate like you.'

Rosielee, it is such a terrible position to be in. People who have never been in our situation can never understand the awful gripping desire to try to conceive again that is twinned with the awful gripping fear that you may face the same scenario again. I can only tell you something I read ages ago that I never really understood at the time, that is, you have to make a choice between your hope and your fear. While your hope is greater than your fear, you feel compelled to go on. When your fear is greater than your hope, then it's time to stop. It was expressed much more elegantly than that, but I'm sure you know what I'm saying.

If you have a look at the thread for women who are pregnant or ttc after a termination for abnormalities (and especially the older threads) you will find many happy stories.

Sorry to butt in rosielee

I would just like to thank Gislaine for those wise words on hope and fear. You have crystalised the thoughts i've been having since April - and i can see clearly now why im so sure i want to try again.

For me at the moment my hopes ARE greater than my fears dont know if it will always be that way - but i'm happy thats how it is for now, and its a good way to think about it.

x

hi I am also from the ttc board. I terminated my pregnancy in october because I found out my baby had T21. It was my second termination, my first was 4 years ago yesterday because the baby was growing with only half a heart. I am also lucky enough to have 3 children already and am currently around 23 weeks pregnant with my fourth and last child.

because of age and previous history i was initially given 1/100 chance of it reoccurring (t21) but when I had my nuchal I was told it was 1 in 1700 and I have had various scans to check for both chromosonal issues as well as heart problems because of my previous history. I'm 38, there was a level of fear getting pregnant again but I feel I've faced my demons having now had bad news twice and have had to accept a level of risk in my 3 pregnancies since my first termination and have a lovely 2.10 year old boy who I wouldn't have if I had decided not to get pregnant again.. crossing all fingers i should also have this child in october which will be amazing even more so because I am now aware of how wrong things can go.

I understand that it is a leap in the dark but if you decide to try again you manage each issue as it comes up stage by stage and it is easier than you think.
Hope that helps and that you find the board useful. x

Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice, i think deep down i know its only myself and husband can decide, its such a horrible sad dilemma and something i never thought i would have to decide. I look at my friends and think about how lucky they are not to have ever experienced what i went though. I think somtimes i should be lucky that i have a child, but the longing doesnt just go. I will definately go over to that other thread, thanks again for helping me as much as anyone can. (its hard when you havent got anyone in the RW to talk to about this. Thanks x

Ghislaine - i agree you summed up the feelings that i think most of us are experiencing - spot on.

RosieLee - I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position and glad you have found these boards, there are lots of us who have been through the same thing and there is a lot of support and understanding on here (from the majority of people anyway...tut tut!!)
i terminated my pregnancy back in march for T21 (and related problems) and too have been going through very similar feelings to you. we DID start trying again straight away.....my yearning for another baby (for now anyway) outweighs my fears about becoming pregnant again. and do NOT feel bad for wanting another because you already have one beautiful child. i have 2 sons whom i adore, and should i never fall pregnant again i will count my blessings that i am lucky to have them (as i do every day) but whether you have 1 child or 5 children, if you want another then your feelings are still the same as anyone else. i hope that you and your husband can come to a decision about how you want to proceed - it is a very scary time, but lots of people on here (as you've heard already) have gone on to fall pg again and have troublefree pregnancies. of course there is always going to be worries, after what we have all been through, but there is a lot of support here and i hope you stay around and tap into it!
sending you lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I think the Hope / Fear equation is an excellent summary of our situations. Once you've been through tfmr you will never get rid of the fear but you can try to have hope.

Also Rosielee, I wanted to say that I seem to be surrounded by people who get pregnant in the first month of trying and have problem free pregnancies and healthy babies. They simply cannot understand what I have been through and people can be quite awkward with me. If I didn't have the women here to talk to I would feel desperately alone, so do come to the other thread.

Rosielee - I wanted to say something mainly because of your kindness to me (on and off these boards) when DP and I were waiting for our nuchal results. DP is 41 and until it happened (the bad odds) we just assumed that we would be in the good bit of the bad odds - I think the problem for you is the loss of innocence, e.g. the knowledge that yes, it could be you. The laws of probability though would suggest that it's unlikely to be you again. I think if our baby had T21 and we'd terminated we would have left it there - partly due to our situation, partly due to other factors. I wish you luck whatever you decide.

Hi,
My story is very similar to yours regarding age.
Tried for first baby at age 39, had to terminate. My world absolutely crashed.
From over the moon to abolute hell. Had complications with termination as well.... . All i wanted to say, I went on to luckily fall pregnant again. Went for tests (meanwhile I was 40 like you) and this time the odds were even worser.
First time it was 1:17, this time it was 1:11. Again, my world crashed... deep despair. Had to wait again for those CVS results. I was 100% sure that I was going through the same again.

But this time all was fine. I got results of CVS by phone and called back 3 times to reconfirm. Could only cry with happiness!!!!!! I still didnt relax throughout the pregnancy. But at the end I got my baby girl! She was 18 months yesterday.

These experiences change you forever. If you want a second baby, go for it.
I sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, wish you the best of luck. xxx

drviningmisscrazy: What you said, the loss of the innocence that sums up a lot of what i felt. Could not have found better words to describe it. x

Just wanted to add to this thread as everyone was so nice to me and supportive and maybe someone reading it, well it might give them hope to try again. I was so unsure whether to try again or just leave it, but then I realised i wanted a baby more than anything so put my fears aside and we tried again, we were lucky given my age that i got pregnant so quickly but it was very very nerve racking, we went straight to cvs testing and everything was fine, I am now 27 weeks and happily expecting a girl, please god, so thanks to everyone for all their advice and help, i tend not to go on this site as much anymore but hopefully someone else will get some encouragement if they are in same situation.

Congratulations, rosielee. It's always great when people come and update with their good news. Do come over to the "Pregnant or TTC after a termination" thread if you ever want to chat with others in the same boat.

Two of my friends who have children with Downs have gone on to have another child who does not have it. One of them was 40 when she had the non-Downs pregnancy. I have a child with Downs; I would love another but at 41 think the odds are even worse. I love my LO to bits but don't think I could cope with two children with Downs.

I had a termination last feb for T21, I am now 24wks pregnant am have had all tests back saying no chromosomal issues. One slight prob with an echogenic bowel which means I might have to be induced early and there is a chance of stillbirth apparently, so not plain sailing. I would say it is only now I feel 'over' the events of last year. I will never forget, and will always feel sadness but life does go on. after last year I said I would have one more go, if things didn't/don't' work out this time I won't try again. I think each woman knows how much she can go through. Good luck and follow your heart xx