Terminated in Feb and still down and scared to try again

[AdiVic]

Hello - Just looking for some cheery advice. In feb i found out, after all the tests, CVS etc that my baby had DS. After much painful consideration we decided to terminate. It was so sad, and I found it much harder to cope with that I imagined. I do not regret my decision, as we did make it for the right reasons, and I would do the same again (based on our situation, and lack of family support for a child with such probs). The only thing is I still feel really, really sad about it and was wondering if this is normal? Also, because of my age (37) the docs have advised if we are going to have another, to get on with it as the risks of having another DS are higher. I am really worried about getting P again, as on other threads on here there seem to be instances of repeated probs - I would love to hear about any happy stories out there where the next pregnancy was normal and chromosomal problem free;) x

Hi Adivic,

Really sorry to hear of your loss. Yes it is completely normal to still feel very sad about it. I am almost 7 months down the line from giving birth to my baby girl at just over 20 weeks who had a rare chromosomal problem. I still miss her and feel grief at what happened though like you know I made the right decision, we were told she would have very severe multiple problems if she survived at all. I am also currently 16 weeks pregnant and turn 37 next month.

There is a support thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/1123555-Support-thread-for-women-who-are-pregnant-or-TTC-after-a-termination-for-abnormalities-3 This thread has seen many healthy babies arrive to women who have previously ended a pregnancy for abnormalities. There are some women who have been through it more than once sadly but it does seem as though thankfully, for most it is a one off terribly unlucky experience. The women on this thread can offer support and understanding through the scary time of a subsequent pregnancy and will also cheer loudly when little ones arrive. Its a very supportive place and you may find it helpful.

I was also concerned about my age. I have a DD already who is 3 and I wanted to get all my childbearing done by the time I was 36. But I've learned you can't really control these things. My own view is that I would rather not wait as risks for lots of things, not just chromosomal problems increases with age but there are plenty of women who have healthy children right up into their 40's. I would say you should get pregnant again when the time is right for you but also that no matter how long you wait, it will probably be a scary and worrying time. Provided your baby had regular T21 and there is no genetic issue with you and your OH the risks of it happening again are only very very slightly higher and it is MUCH more likely you will have a healthy baby next time. There are lots and lots of good news stories. One of the women on the support thread has suggested that when the current thread is full and the next one begins, it should start with a list of all the thread babies that have been born. And that list will be pretty long! Good luck, Cherry x

Adivic, I'm sorry about your loss. A month ago I had a termination at 22 weeks for a severe heart problem and probable chromosomal syndrome, we find out tomorrow. I have just turned 38 and this was to be my second and last pregnancy.
I am desperate for a second child but am also frightened at the thought of being pregnant again. However, my desire for another child is greater than my fear of another loss so it's a chance I'm prepared to take. The risks are higher but they're not ludicrously high and plenty of people have healthy babies who are older than us!
There is the thread cherrybug mentioned which, as she says, is hugely reassuring and there is also the thread for 'support after termination for medical reasons' and there are many people on that thread who want to conceive again, some are thinking about it, some are pregnant and some are trying. You would be very welcome there as well if you felt that was more suitable.
One of the horrible things about termination is that you feel very alone and it's rare to know someone else in real life who's gone through it. Here, everyone has been through it and there is a wealth of sympathy, advice and support. Neither of them are gloomy threads, though they inevitably have their sad moments, there's lots of humour and chat too.
Don't suffer alone!
x

AdiVic - hello lovie So sorry to hear about your loss.

Cherrybug is right when she says that plenty of ladies go on to have problem free pg's. Remember that when you read these threads that you are looking at a sellection of women who are seeking support for prob's, and so sometimes it seems like EVERYONE has problems! But we here are/have been, sadly, the unlucky few.

I too terminated for DS, in April just gone, and yes, it is perfectly normal to be sad still. It would be more worrying if you werent affected by it to be honest! Its good to have a good cry when you feel the need. Other days go by quite as normal dont they?

I have good days and bad ..... the good outweigh the bad easily now, but it has taken time. I wouldnt have got through so well without the support of the wonderful ladies who lurk here, such as Cherrybug and many others who post regulaly. Some have lost more recently than us, some have lost a while ago but still bring their experience and success stories to us. Personaly i post on the sister thread to the one Cherry mentioned - Antenatal Support for Women Who Have Chosen To Terminate 7. On there alot of us are ttc, but not all - so its a mixture. We laugh together and have a darn good moan when we're down.

It is a very personel decision as to when to try again. I too was told to get on with it because of my age, too, lol. So i am. Is it just the fear of it happening again to you AdiVic, that is holding you back from ttc?

xxx

Sorry egglet i crossed with you. You're wonderful too! xx

Hi Adivic.

I think it is totally normal to feel sad about your termination. You had to make a hideous decision about a wanted pregnancy which involves all sorts of complex social and personal issues which you may never have faced before. You are only 3 months on from that decision and in my experience I think that is not very long.

Im not sure I'm a particularly cheery story as I have now had two terminations: 2007 for hypoplastic right heart and last october for T21 like you. However I have also had a healthy son in 2008 and am now 17 weeks pregnant (6th pregnancy and hopefully 4th child). My two conditions are not linked at all and nothing in pregnancy is guaranteed but you just have to bear in mind that repeated issues are pretty rare.

I really didn't know if I wanted to get pregnant after my first termination (nor with this pregnancy). I think the way you are feeling is totally normal and is part of our way of protecting ourselves, plus being pregnant is pretty worrying and takes its toll on our bodies and mental states. But in each of these pregnancies i have taken it day by day with scans as milestones (and I get extra scans). Now I've had my nuchal and a detailed scan I'm prepared to accept that I might get an actual baby at the end but it's better to think that I wont in some ways as it helps me deal with it. That makes it sound really sad but I feel really lucky and happy and know I wouldn't have my son if I hadn't had my termination so it has really lessened that sad feeling.

What I'm trying to say is I didn't want to get pregnant but I had to just do it (I'm 38 and for the same reason as others didn't want to waste time). It was definitely worth it with my son and so far it's worth it with this pg too. Even with my last pregnancy, I was able to cope with the bad news although obviously I had my days...

Take your time to get your head around it, a month or two either way wont make a huge amount of difference, and dont be hard on yourself. x